Did I handle this okay? 2nd grader stole gum

[Anonymous]

Ran to grocery store today with kids for 5 items. Few hours after returning home, found out DS had taken gum from the checkout while I was loading up the cart. Immediately, I returned him to the store, had him tell the person at the customer service desk what he did, and paid for the gum. The store clerk was a little nicer than I wanted. "Thanks for coming back, sweetie." I was hoping for something with a little less smiling. Not a scared-straight, take him to the back room kind of talk, but something without "sweetie", at least. She thanked me, I thanked her, and then she handed the gum back to me. I said "no, please." And she looked aghast, like I was taking this too far. Which got me thinking, I'm not, right?

DS has been having issues at home with taking things that aren't his. Like candy, my jewelry, soap. Stupid little stuff. But it's constant. He has ADHD and very little impulse control. He's a great kid. With a super big heart. But if he can't control these impulses, it has me scared for his future. He's only 7, though.

So, anyway, what do I do now? He's had a super-stern talking to from his dad and I. And no punishment, yet, because honestly, I don't know of one. Logical consequences work best for this kid, and immediate consequences, if possible.

[Anonymous]

I think you've done enough

[Anonymous]

You give him consequences. No ipad/tablet, tv or video games for a week. A stern talking to is clearly not working if he keeps stealing.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing - he just escalated his stealing. If you honestly can't think of a punishment for stealing from the store, and clearly can't dissuade him from doing it at home, you need to look at some outside help (for you and him).

[Anonymous]

The store person handled it wrong. Have your son write out what he did and why it was wrong. Then let it go.

[Anonymous]

Phew. I thought you said gun.

[Anonymous]

I work in law enforcement. You handled it ok but so do the store person.

Think about it for a minute - this person sees probably...oh, I would say a person a week just like you bringing your 5-8 year old kid back to the store to "make a point" about stealing. So her "mock anger" is probably a little thin on this. She probably even may think it's a little cute.

However, getting held up a gunpoint once a month are things she is more concerned about. That kid who ACTUAL steals from her? Yeah, thats the shit she saves her outrage for.

It's phase. Punish your kid at home. Be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Suburban parents are so cute.

[Anonymous]

You steal something, you have to return it. Can't return it because you used or ruined it? Pay to replace it. Frequently steal things? Can't be trusted as easily and must be more closely supervised.

I don't know that I would do an unrelated punishment such as loss of electronics. Different things work for different people, but for my 5 year old that would not be effective and likely make the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in law enforcement. You handled it ok but so do the store person.

Think about it for a minute - this person sees probably...oh, I would say a person a week just like you bringing your 5-8 year old kid back to the store to "make a point" about stealing. So her "mock anger" is probably a little thin on this. She probably even may think it's a little cute.

However, getting held up a gunpoint once a month are things she is more concerned about. That kid who ACTUAL steals from her? Yeah, thats the shit she saves her outrage for.

It's phase. Punish your kid at home. Be a parent.

This. Punish him! Take something away. Surely you can think of something to take away that he loves?

IMO, the "making a point" back at the store did nothing. Was that all you did? Took him back to pay and call it a day? So basically he got away with it?

Imagine if an adult shoplifter stole a $1000 diamond ring got picked up by police and the police just said, "Lets go back to the store so you can pay and be on your way." That's what you just did.

My kid would be losing her iPad and TV privileges during winter break. She could think about her thievery at home, AND now in stores, each time she asked for the iPad or TV.

[Anonymous]

I think you did fine, but would have some sort of additional consequence, especially since returning it to the store wasn't a big scary deal.

To me, the logical consequence for this is not trusting him or giving him the "freedoms" he has earned as a 7 year old. If you go shopping together, he holds your hand and stands right next to you in the store. Maybe he even needs to be supervised" in the same room as you at home, can't go over independently to play with friends or neighbors, or run ahead at the playground, etc. He has shown he can't be trusted, and thus will be treated like a much younger kid for a while. If that means sitting in the kitchen and doing something quietly while you prepare dinner instead of playing or watching TV elsewhere in the house, then so be it until he demonstrates he can be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you did fine, but would have some sort of additional consequence, especially since returning it to the store wasn't a big scary deal.

To me, the logical consequence for this is not trusting him or giving him the "freedoms" he has earned as a 7 year old. If you go shopping together, he holds your hand and stands right next to you in the store. Maybe he even needs to be supervised" in the same room as you at home, can't go over independently to play with friends or neighbors, or run ahead at the playground, etc. He has shown he can't be trusted, and thus will be treated like a much younger kid for a while. If that means sitting in the kitchen and doing something quietly while you prepare dinner instead of playing or watching TV elsewhere in the house, then so be it until he demonstrates he can be trusted.

I love this idea! I think it sounds perfect.

I'm also waiting for someone to tell you you can't "shame" as a punishment

[Anonymous]

Was he chewing the gum? I don't understand why you paid for it. If you paid for it, it makes sense that the cashier handed it back to him. If the package was unopened, I would think you just take it back into the store and give it back.

I worked at a kid's store in the mall for several years and would have parents bring in kids to return stolen items (we had a sunglasses display that was tempting). It's not the cashier's job to act angry or do the discipline. I always took the item back, said "thank you for returning it," and let the parents handle it.

As far as punishment, he's broken your trust. That would be the driving factor for me. He has to stay at the cart when shopping, etc, until he earns the trust again. Or you could go all out with PP's suggestions, but I would only make that for only a day or two of "Today and tomorrow, you will see what it's like when you can't be trusted," just so he gets a taste of what no freedom is like.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a deputy sheriff. When he was about 6, he stole some gum when he was at the store with his dad. His dad took him back to the store, made him apologize (he had already chewed the piece of gum), the storekeeper made him sweep the store, and then his dad took him home and spanked him. He told me that he never forgot that piece of gum, and never stole again as a kid or as a teen. He became a law enforcement officer as soon as he was old enough, and now he's three years from retirement.

[Anonymous]

ITA with the suggestion that in addition to returning to the store and paying for the gum, the appropriate "punishment fits the crime" consequence is a revocation of any privileges he earned by being older and more mature. In our house, that would be screen time, lack of supervision in her room, slightly later bedtime, etc.

I'd also have some proactive conversations with him about taking stuff that isn't his and taking stuff without paying for it. Since you mentioned the ADHD, it is likely an impulse control issue that will probably improve if it's an area of focus for him and you and any therapists he works with. When you talked to him about it, did he give any explanation for why he took the gum instead of just asking you if you would buy it?