How to help 11 year old socialize and make friends

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader is in a new cluster for middle school and came in knowing nobody. He still hasn't made friends, which is not surprising because he has some socialization issues: while he's not shy, he's very introverted and doesn't feel the need to have friends. He is medicated for his inattentive ADHD and is doing very well academically, despite some motor skills issues (both fine and gross motor). He is at heart a non-athletic nerd/geek, as we all are, more or less, in the family, except that the girls in the family have friends. He reads voraciously and is allowed to play short video games like Plants vs Zombies in his free time.

Since I'm a research scientist, I see many intelligent adults without deep friendships or with minimal socialization skills. I don't want my son to become one of them.

What can I do?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Does he feel lonely? Does he want to have friends over? I'm an introvert and I'm done by the end of the day. It takes a LOT of effort to do anything social after school (I'm a teacher). I rarely go out but I am perfectly happy this way. Occasionally I will get together with a friend but most of the time I am very content to go home and relax.

[Anonymous]

Find some friends that share an activity he likes/would like. Maybe a board game or trading card game? You can encourage gaming parties where he invites his friends for pizza and a game. Magic the gathering is a classic, but expensive and slow to get started. I don't know what the current games are for the 11 year old nerds, but I'm sure there are some. If you would let him go places on his own or are willing to help out there is geocaching. I have some life-long nerd friends and we all enjoy cooking so we get together and make elaborate meals - I don't know what the 11 year old boy version of this is, but maybe someone else does.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is difficult to break into from a social perspective. If he's not lonely, that's a good thing, but you don't want him to become so.

Focus on his interests. Scouting, hobbies--like PP mentioned cooking, games, or geocaching. Places like Politics and Prose have bookclubs for tweens/teens.

Are there extracurricular clubs at school that are non-sports, like chess for example? I'm sure he's not the only non-athletic boy who has trouble making friends. Become active at his school. Seek out similarparents/kids.

[Anonymous]

My original reply became hung up, but I don't think I'm posting twice.

M.S. is hard to break into socially. It's good if he's not lonely, but you don't want him to become so through isolation. Focus on his interests. PP mentioned some good ideas--hobbies, games, cooking, geocaching. There's also scouting groups, 4-H, drama, singing. Politics and Prose offers book clubs for tweens/teens. So may your local library.

Get involved in his school. Try to find similar parents/kids. He's not the only boy who will be having trouble making friends.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

He's not lonely, but then he doesn't know what he's missing. He has never asked to hang out with friends after school or on weekends, which to my mind is necessary.

Mostly what I want to teach him is that even though making and keeping friends may be hard work sometimes - because you have to compromise and think about others - it's worth it in the end because you have a network and a community who can help and support you when you need it.
Obviously he doesn't understand that now, but hopefully one day he will.

I just enrolled him in the after-school chess club, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

He's not lonely, but then he doesn't know what he's missing. He has never asked to hang out with friends after school or on weekends, which to my mind is necessary.

Mostly what I want to teach him is that even though making and keeping friends may be hard work sometimes - because you have to compromise and think about others - it's worth it in the end because you have a network and a community who can help and support you when you need it.
Obviously he doesn't understand that now, but hopefully one day he will.

I just enrolled him in the after-school chess club, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

If he's not lonely, then he isn't missing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

He's not lonely, but then he doesn't know what he's missing. He has never asked to hang out with friends after school or on weekends, which to my mind is necessary.

Mostly what I want to teach him is that even though making and keeping friends may be hard work sometimes - because you have to compromise and think about others - it's worth it in the end because you have a network and a community who can help and support you when you need it.
Obviously he doesn't understand that now, but hopefully one day he will.

I just enrolled him in the after-school chess club, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

You are me and my son is yours. Can we try them out together? Sams age. Mine talks a lot though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

He's not lonely, but then he doesn't know what he's missing. He has never asked to hang out with friends after school or on weekends, which to my mind is necessary.

Mostly what I want to teach him is that even though making and keeping friends may be hard work sometimes - because you have to compromise and think about others - it's worth it in the end because you have a network and a community who can help and support you when you need it.
Obviously he doesn't understand that now, but hopefully one day he will.

I just enrolled him in the after-school chess club, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

You are me and my son is yours. Can we try them out together? Sams age. Mine talks a lot though.

*Same age

[Anonymous]

My son was painfully shy (I know, different from introverted) as a kid and I told him he had to pick one social thing to do regularly and I was going to pick one social thing for him to do regularly.

He picked band (he played piano and drums) and I picked student government.

I also sent him out to play basketball in the driveway a few times a week. Kids wandered by. It helped.

[Anonymous]

I have an introverted child with quirks. Hes also in chess club. However, i saw this disposition from an early age. People will jump on me ovee his, but i forced him to play sports. I worked through tears and him being so angry for me forcing him out of his comfort zone. He's now 10 and he is still not a great athlete, but he's been playing with the same boys now for years and has formed some very soild friendship. Sports has really made him confident and comfortable with a large group of boys. I havr no regrets being that parent pushing her crying child onto the field. I now groan this seadon because he asked to do 2 sports this winter andnim driving him all over kingdom come. I would have never predicted this 3 years ago.

Anyways, i know i project onto my kids about this, but I'm a firm believer that the only way to grow is to do things that we hate and that make us uncomfortable. It is how I've lived my life and continue to do so. I hate hate hate public speaking, but had to learn the art to excel at my career so i signed up for an Improv class at the comedy club. Worst thing ever, but when i finished the class with it climaxing at me needing to get on stage and make peiple laugh, i felt so good about myself.

Anyways, i hear what you are saying. Hes OK now, but an adult life without feiends is a lonly life. So many studies support the factnthat deep friendships lead to a healthies, happier, more sucfessful life. Right now his deep connection wirh his family fills his cup, but that wont last forever and if he doesnt develop social skills, it might be a rough ride.

[Anonymous]

A couple other activities I see being popular with DS's friends who are like your son are... Robotics -- the MS in our area have robotics teams, maybe not able to get into it mid-year but something to look at for next year -- and VJAS (Virginia Junior Academy of Science) - program where kids do extended science projects, meets after school.

Also, my DD, who is pretty introverted and had no interest in sports for a long time, has really enjoyed fencing. It seems to attract more introverted, geeky kids but provides a good physical workout and the social benefits of sports. It's really helped DD get comfortable with competition and "performing" in front of a group.

[Anonymous]

We have moved a few times -most recently to a new middle school. Each time, I peruse the sports opps with him - and then I go to the first several practices, hang out, try to to meet the moms. We have tried everything from math club to debate to LAX to swimming and martial arts. A couple of them have stuck and he is on his own now, looking forward to going b/c of people he knows. I stop going when he asks me to stop going. If he mentions kids my name, I ask him if he wants to invite anyone over, or out for a weekend treat, like the trampoline park or a movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here.

He's not lonely, but then he doesn't know what he's missing. He has never asked to hang out with friends after school or on weekends, which to my mind is necessary.

Mostly what I want to teach him is that even though making and keeping friends may be hard work sometimes - because you have to compromise and think about others - it's worth it in the end because you have a network and a community who can help and support you when you need it.
Obviously he doesn't understand that now, but hopefully one day he will.

I just enrolled him in the after-school chess club, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

If he's not lonely, then he isn't missing anything.

Np here and I really disagree.

He is missing out on building social skills. Now is the time to be building the social skills that will carry him through high school. OP is right and he does need to understand that friendship/social skills are work and continue to be skills that we need to build on as we grow up.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. Yes, people need social skills but insisting a child have more social interaction when he doesn't want it will backfire. I have no problem getting along with people but after a day of people, people, people, all I want is quiet.