Family Dinner together EVERY Night? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is our alternative: growing up, we all had various activities and rarely were able to sit down to eat together. However our kitchen (which was admittedly large) also served as our family room (TV and all), so that is where everybody converged. My mom seemed to always be cooking, my father seemed to always be watching or reading the news, and we played in/around there, so we were always together in a weird way.

It's about more than being together. It's about sitting down together and discussing the days events. My kids are always underfoot and around, but it is not the same as dinner time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so at what age ofyour kids did you start eating together?

We've always eaten together. DD is now 20 months. She does get a few decently-sized snacks at daycare, so sometimes she's not as hungry at dinner. BUT, she always sits in her highchair while we all eat, even if she picks at her food. On occasion, we'll still feed her at the same time and put her to bed, and then have dinner ourselves later in order to have "grown-up" time, but we still will sit with her together while she eats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So my question for those working families is this: at what age did you start having family meals? I assume this doesn't mean you eat dinner together with your puree eating infant or toddler?

From birth, really. I would usually eat dinner with one hand and nurse the baby with the other! Then when he was old enough to sit in a high chair, I would either feed him a mashed or cut up bit of whatever was on our plate, or give him some mashed fruit/cereal/soft finger foods. We both work and we have always had a schedule that is a bit later than most American families (i.e. the baby has never had a 7pm bedtime, more like 9-10pm). This way we have time for dinner and play time after work. I know that the "books" advocate for an early bedtime, but with two working parents, that type of schedule just won't work in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an infant that has just started on solids and we have the nanny feed her and when we come home (6:30 or so) we barely have time to bathe her, read her some books, and then nurse her to sleep so that she asleep by 8:00. And that is when my husband and I eat together. We would very much like to be a family that eats dinner together.

So my question for those working families is this: at what age did you start having family meals? I assume this doesn't mean you eat dinner together with your puree eating infant or toddler?

We did. They were always at the table with us.

yes, me too. I think it helps move them along to eating what the rest of the family is eating much more quickly. My little one is 15 months, and he eats whatever we eat for dinner. Occasionally he'll also have yogurt or cheese, but we all eat the same stuff.

[Anonymous]

you ate the same stuff at 6 months? i would never give her the food we eat (she is 8 mos and ped told us to wait until 9 mos for dairy and our foods generally have lots of ingredients she's never eaten). plus it takes a lot of energy to get her to eat (she isn't self feeding) so it would be impossible to eat at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really important to eat dinner together as much as possible. My husband used to do some policy work around alcohol and drug use by children, and he says that all the research is pretty sound that the best thing you can do is sit down for dinner with your kids at the end of the day, and talk to them. (This is way before we had kids, too.)

Anyhow, when my kids were toddlers they ate with us, to answer PP.

Of course like a million other things, we all do the best we can, and I think that families that eat together the majority of the time are beating the odds and doing a great thing for their kids. Not everyone can do it though - like a million other parenting things.

[Anonymous]

A six or eight month old doesn't have to eat your food to be involved in dinner. How long does it take them to finish a mouthful? With both of my kids, they got a mouthful and while they worked on that I took a mouthful. When they were old enough to feed themselves and eat a little more real food they did that while I ate. (Peas, beans.. whatever they could manage.. or smush on their tray) If they were still smashing food into their tray I would sneak a spoonful into their mouth while they made mush. We probably started having them at the table when they started on jarred food, actually. Even before that, I would do my best to feed them before we ate, and then they were beside us in the bouncy chair, or the exersaucer or whatever. Then we could see them, they could see us and we were all in the same room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you ate the same stuff at 6 months? i would never give her the food we eat (she is 8 mos and ped told us to wait until 9 mos for dairy and our foods generally have lots of ingredients she's never eaten). plus it takes a lot of energy to get her to eat (she isn't self feeding) so it would be impossible to eat at the same time.

We've been eating the same stuff since about 10-12 months. Of course before a year they're not ready to eat all the same stuff you eat, but by a year, they should be eating just about everything you do, cut up and smooshed.

[Anonymous]

I have a 2 yr old. I work from home so I can make dinner and have it on the table by 6, and my DH is usually home by this time (we moved closer to his work to reduce commute time). So yes, we do a family dinner every night because we can.

That said, there are so many ways that "we" can mess up our kids, and not having a diner as a family unit every day is probably not going to mess your kids up if you are providing them with warmth, love, and conversation other times, which I think you're doing. So don't stress out, do what you can. I'm sure you're a great mom

[Anonymous]

We eat dinner together almost every night, even if it means we don't sit down until 8pm (most nights we eat around 7) and have to give the kids. It is important to us and we really enjoy it. Having said that, if you can't manage it I don't think it is the end of the world. I think the critical thing is to have family rituals that create structure and stability for your kids, and give them a time when they know they will have your undivided attention in a relaxed, pleasant setting. It has to be something they can count on having, so a regular time and a regular place, for years and years. My family moved constantly when I was a kid because of my dad's job, and it was that sort of constant that always made wehrever my family was feel like home, and gave me confidence that my parents were there fore me.

[Anonymous]

we didn't start doing family dinners until my youngest turn 4. My kids also HAD to eat by 5:30pm or were nightmares. My kids now are 7 and 5 and they fight over who sets the table.

I am pro eating dinner together. Hard to do every night but I think it's great together time, great for learning manners, great for family bonding. we always had dinner at the table every night growing up. it was a routine I looked forward to and yes, as I grew older hated at times. But, I remember it being the one time we all had face time together (I had 3 siblings) esp as we grew older.

[Anonymous]

We eat dinner together almost every night--but admittedly our childcare situation makes it easier and our schedule is shifted slightly later than most people who have a toddler. DH and I usually get home around 7/7:30, we sit down to eat at around 7:40ish.

We've always done our meals Asian-style (rice plus a veggie dish or two and a meat dish) so DD is eating the same thing we are, just not necessarily everything we eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we only have one kid, who is 3, and we do have dinner together every night recognizing it is easier with one (and one of the reasons we will likely only have one). we do quick to prepare stuff, like pasta, sometimes make him something different (like it we are just having salads), but it is a time for us all to be togther and for both parents to enforce rules. the problem i wuld have with not having both parents there is that parent who comes in for play time gets off easy and is "fun daddy" while mommy spends 30 minutes every night forcing broccoli and peas down everyone's throat. i also think it has made my previously picky eater a lot more open to trying food, though that certainly could be his age. the kids i know who don't have family dinners are very pick eaters and don't understand the concept of a meal -- they just graze or snack, really, which i think can lead to poor eating habits.

in other words, it is a priority in our house and would factor into decisions about jobs, where to live, etc.

Please keep in mind that this is just how YOUR family works. Diner time sounds like a battle at your house while at mine it has never been that way. I have an almost 4yo and 11mo old that have never been picky eaters. Dinner time has never been a battle for us in terms of eating a variety of foods or staying put for dinner. Our 11m is strapped into a booster seat and wouldn't leave the table all night if you kept feeding him. Our 4yo has known the table rules for a very long time now (i.e. if you get out of your chair before dinner is over your plate is gone (exception is to go potty)) so there is no struggle there either.

My DH is not home for dinner most nights but depending on the night he is home for bath, play, story, or bed time. Most nights he takes on these responsibilities with one or both of the kids so it is not always mommy enforcing rules. We also don't graze like you suggest. I have ALWAYS only made 1 meal per dinner. Granted, if there is something I know my 4yo doesn't like (which the only thing I can think of is shrimp) then I include something she does like. Otherwise, 1 dinner choice and when dinner is over the kitchen is closed.

And while it is a priority for a lot of families to spend quality time together or eat dinners together, some don't have a choice to factor that into decisions about jobs and where to live. If you have that luxury than that's great. In my DH's profession he doesn't have that luxury because the main part of his work day doesn't start until early afternoon. However, it works for us and we get plenty of individual and family quality time (just not between 530 and 630 pm on the week nights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do family dinners together on weeknights. Kids are 3.5 and 1.5, and even with an afternoon snack, they are hungry by 5:30 and weeping beasties by 6:00. Our nanny gets dinner ready for them and they are usually finishing up dinner when we get home. One of us gets home by 5:45 most nights but at that point it's talk to the kids while they finish dinner, play for ten minutes, then upstairs for bath time, books, and bed. My 1.5 year old goes to sleep at 7, the 3.5 year old is in bed at 7:30 and takes about a half hour to settle down and sleep (and keeping him up later has no effect - he needs about a half hour of lying in bed time to settle regardless of bed time). So to come home at 5:45, make dinner for 20-30 minutes while kids are starving and weepy, meaning dinner gets on the table around 6:15, they take about a half hour to eat (so done at 6:45ish), ten minutes of play means it's 6:55, then we're left with what...five minutes to get bath, books, pajamas, brushing teeth and calming down for bedtime accomplished? That's just not going to work for us.

Do you sit down with your children for any meal during the day? Do you foresee a time when this will change and you will begin to eat dinner together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We struggle with this. Our family has 'had it both ways' and so I have a basis for comparison. DH used to have a quicker commute and the type of job several PPs have mentioned (leave at time X and log on later after bedtime). We had dinner together every single night, all eating basically the same food, and the experts are right -- there was much engagement among all parties.

Now DH has a longer commute and a job where there is no chance in hell he can stagger hours or whatever (he's in charge), and now we do that thing where the family eats in shifts and it blows, comparatively speaking.

From my vantage point I'd have to disagree that it's all the same if DW + kids get X amount of quality time in the car, and then DH + kids get Y amount of quality time during bedtime/weekend. It's not -bad- of course and it's better than nothing, but it is in no way the same when the whole family is not physically present and engaging in a 3, 4 or 5-way conversation. It's qualitatively different and, in my personal experience, not as good.

I have to respectively disagree with this wrt to my family. I'm a pp where my DH has the kids all morning (until 1015) so he does everything from waking the kids up to breakfast to getting them dressed and out the door to daycare/school. I have the kids in the afternoon and usually through dinner. His time of arrival in the evening varies greatly from 630 to 10pm. However, most nights he is home in time for a short play time and story/bedtime.

On the nights that we do eat dinner together we do engage the kids and each other, but it still is not 100% focused on conversation and "quality" time with the kids. Someone is always jumping up to get something from the counter or fridge. Someone is chopping up more food for the baby (11mo). Someone is shooing the dogs away from circling the baby's chair for dropped food. In between all of that we do get in some conversation.

However, I find that the time we connect the best with the kids is after that during play time, bath time, or story time. We make a point to have some dedicated time as a family every night my DH is home on time (always with at least me). We play board games or charades or do workbooks or something non-electronic while either engaging the 11mo as best we can in the game and playing with him as well. If DH is too late for play time then we read them stories together before putting them both to bed.

It seems silly to me that a lot of the poster are insisting that the ONLY time you can get quality time with your family is over dinner. I get that dinner is an easy target to use as a point in the day to insist on having the family together for quality time since usually everyone has to eat dinner at some time. However, we get more non-distracted, quality family time with our kids than most of our friends because we make it a priority.