Made a bad decision about going back to work and regretting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You described my life except I have no choice and have never had a choice.

If you and your DH are set for retirement, I would quit.

This. I have to go back to work at the same age because we don't have enough for retirement. It is what it is, it's not for fulfillment. Quit if you can OP.

Seriously why would anyone work if you don’t have to. Your DH clearly enjoys the breadwinner mantle and that role it gives him. It sounds like the slog of a career job doesn’t fit your phase of life, so enjoy the good life you have been given.

If something happens to her DH, Op would be left with no income and very little employment history, no health insurance. She would have no credit, she wouldn't be able to get a loan. Simply renting an apartment would be difficult for her. Luckily, Op and her husband have life insurance and a nice financial cushion which would, hopefully, be more than adequate to sustain her while she looks for a job. But she almost certainly would need a job for the health insurance alone.

I'm in a similar position as Op. I've been a SAHM for a long time, I don't really need work but with my youngest heading off to college in the next couple of years, going back to work is definitely on the table for me.

Op here. I hear you. You raise extremely valid arguments.

I am a firm believer in women being financially independent and secure for themselves and their children. DH and I, didn't have a great financial start to our married life. For years, we lived paychecks to paychecks and very frugally. That being said, when my DH became a high earner, it was a stroke of luck that he was at the right place, at the right time. When your prosperity is due to luck, you don't take financial well-being for granted. When I left my own job, financial insecurity of earlier years, drove me to insist that we become heavily insured.

My staying home with kids was something that both of us wanted, but, I was not going to quit my job just because we could afford it at the moment. Being poor is not a good place to be and I had lived most of my life being low on funds. I wanted to make sure that my family was looked after and I did not have to go back to work under any circumstance for financial reasons. I had read many years ago that divorced/widowed women and their children, were at a high risk of poverty and that made a huge impact on me.

Yep. We started off living paycheck to paycheck, too, and barely making ends meet. My husband happened to go into a field that became very high demand. With his experience he has never had a hard time finding work. By the time I quit work to SAH, I felt pretty comfortable relying on his income. I do think that life insurance is a good idea even though we have been blessed with pretty decent health. In fact, I've been working out, watching what I eat and have been working on losing weight over the past year. I feel great and have tons of energy.

The idea of going back to work is pretty daunting but I am in pretty good shape and fairly active so I think I'll have the stamina to get through a work day. I only hope I can find an office job like you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously why would anyone work if you don’t have to. Your DH clearly enjoys the breadwinner mantle and that role it gives him. It sounds like the slog of a career job doesn’t fit your phase of life, so enjoy the good life you have been given.

( this is turning into my free therapy session. I can be honest about stuff here that I would not confess in real life!)

I think my DH does not think too much about money at all or his role of breadwinner. He loves his job and is surprised that he is paid so well for it. When he comes home, he can immerse himself in family and home. He can compartmentalize very well. He knows we are taken care of, kids are taken care of, we have more than enough for needs and wants, and then more than that, he does not sweat it. Right now, he is in the basement, with blaring music and enjoying his own company, because kids are not here to yell him to keep it down.

I think one of the motivations that I did not list, for taking this job is my own persistent irrational sense of financial deprivation. I think Oprah once said that, "There is a confidence in women when they earn a paycheck and can support themselves". I think, while I have my own money and I have DH's money, in someways, I may have gone back in time to see if that paycheck would offer me that confidence. Somehow, I felt no elation when I got the paychecks. There was a deep sense of wasting precious time for getting money for something that I did not care about. The phase of life when meeting the rent was an important accomplishment has passed. My paycheck has no value to my family. My presence does. For those who need to work to make ends meet, there must get a great sense of accomplishment and pride. I got none of it.

I do agree that the slog of a full time career job will not fit this phase of my life. I also know that any new role will need to have both - meaningfulness and interest - and that will drive how I want to spend my time. I just need to readjust myself to my new reality. My working now has to have some intrinsic value to me and this job is not it.

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound bad but in this phase of my life work only means bridging the gap between now and retirement (53-62). It's a safety net plain and simple. We don't need the money but if something happened to dh's income, I would like the ability to be able to rent an apartment myself (or help my college age kids rent one), I'd like to be able to take out a car loan if I had to, I'd like to be able to cover health/dental insurance for myself and the kids through my job. I also like the idea of hiring a house keeper and yard maintenance which is something we've never splurged on before.

But, like you Op, I'm not all that stoked about the idea of working in a demanding, boring, isolating and no fun job. There has to be some level of enjoyment to it. 9 years in that environment? Oh, heck no. You need to find something sustainable.

[Anonymous]

It is actually just an 8 hour a day job. It is ten only because of commute. Get a part time 20 hour a week job closer to home

[Anonymous]

Btw if husband drops dead there is life insurance, his SS, if kids Under 18 widow benefits SS and if over 55 and unemployed no penalties on 401k withdrawals. Plus you can downsize home and kids will get financial aid if zero income and college age. Don't worry

[Anonymous]

BTW folks give loans out like candy no job needed. Retired people buy homes and cars all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW folks give loans out like candy no job needed. Retired people buy homes and cars all the time

They have pensions and SS income though. A middle age person does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw if husband drops dead there is life insurance, his SS, if kids Under 18 widow benefits SS and if over 55 and unemployed no penalties on 401k withdrawals. Plus you can downsize home and kids will get financial aid if zero income and college age. Don't worry

Op's kids' college is paid for but what about off campus housing? Wouldn't they need Op to sign for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw if husband drops dead there is life insurance, his SS, if kids Under 18 widow benefits SS and if over 55 and unemployed no penalties on 401k withdrawals. Plus you can downsize home and kids will get financial aid if zero income and college age. Don't worry

Op's kids' college is paid for but what about off campus housing? Wouldn't they need Op to sign for that?

Not OP, but hopefully they have money set aside for both. We did a prepaid and 529 to make sure ours could go to 4 years, hopefully graduate school without issue. Not everyone can downsize their housing. Some of us are already in small homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw if husband drops dead there is life insurance, his SS, if kids Under 18 widow benefits SS and if over 55 and unemployed no penalties on 401k withdrawals. Plus you can downsize home and kids will get financial aid if zero income and college age. Don't worry

Op's kids' college is paid for but what about off campus housing? Wouldn't they need Op to sign for that?

Not OP, but hopefully they have money set aside for both. We did a prepaid and 529 to make sure ours could go to 4 years, hopefully graduate school without issue. Not everyone can downsize their housing. Some of us are already in small homes.

Yes. But to sign a lease on an apartment you have to show income even though you will be paying for it out of their college fund, right?

I'm not clear on that because, so far, we've only dealt with on campus housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw if husband drops dead there is life insurance, his SS, if kids Under 18 widow benefits SS and if over 55 and unemployed no penalties on 401k withdrawals. Plus you can downsize home and kids will get financial aid if zero income and college age. Don't worry

Op's kids' college is paid for but what about off campus housing? Wouldn't they need Op to sign for that?

Also, it's fine to start those withdrawals at 55 if you plan on retiring at 55. But being forced into withdrawing funds 7 years early while losing your income 7 years early would make long term retirement plans either scaled way back or under funded.

Ugh, I wish I wasn't a worrier. But my young and (very!) broke days taught me that being poor sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m also a longtime SAHM on the brink of returning to the workforce, and you have so accurately described my fears, it’s eerie. The job I’m considering right now (waiting on security clearance) seems like it will be exactly like the one you currently have, with about a 45 minute commute each way.

I have been so fortunate to stay home with my kids all these years, and I’m grateful every single day. However, as they are now in high school and college, I feel ready to head back to work... just not sure I want to head right into an exhausting grind. Like you, I don’t need to work, but would like to now that the kids are older. I don’t want to regret taking a job that isn’t fulfilling.

Keep us posted on your decision and good luck! You’re not alone.

Not Op, but I'm a longtime SAHM with HS and college age kids, too. I've been thinking about returning to work myself but haven't applied anywhere. I'm curious to know how long it took for you to find a job, how many places you applied to and how many interviews you went on before you were offered a job.

Also, what did you put on your resume? I'm sort of at a loss as to what I would put down. I've done volunteer work over the years but I haven't done any work for pay nor have I taken any classes to update my skills. I would love to know what you did to make yourself marketable. Congratulations on your job!

Sounds like she knew someone and job just fell in her lap

I’m the first PP and curious why you would think that. No, this job definitely did not just fall into my lap. To answer the PP’s questions, I’ve been looking for about a year. I’ve had many call backs and a few interviews. I declined one offer because I could tell it wasn’t for me after the interview. Two other jobs went to other applicants. I listed all work experience on my resume, and didn’t try to hide the fact that I’ve been at home for many years. I did a PT stint during that time that I was able to include, and it helped because even though it was (very) PT, it was relevant to my field.

It certainly hasn’t been easy, and again, I’m still waiting on the security clearance to come through, but I’m hoping to get a firm offer soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I am in the "stay for a year, give it a chance" camp. Your first OP paragraph describes me, BTW. I admire you. Ignore the haters.

Woe is me posts by people who have been essentially retired for a decade have hard time garnering sympathy

Neither do sour grapes posts by bitter people like yourself.
-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all of you, because your plain speaking, thoughtful, strategic, BTDT and don't-give-a-damn-about-OP's-first-world-problem perspectives was what I needed today. DCUM came through for me on this one!

Finances -
- We are OK. Not super wealthy, but comfortably UMC. Retirement and college is squared away. DH's job is secure and we are also heavily insured. No prenup, solid marriage, low overheads, joint everything. (IRA from the years I have worked, and my own modest inheritance has remained in my own name for years).

DH's motivation -
- Since, I am highly educated and walked away from my job for my family, he wants me to fulfill any dreams that I may have put aside. He is extremely supportive and has done everything to make this easier for me. Money is not the objective for him. If I want to paint for leisure, he is happy for me. I think, what he wants to avoid dealing with is me curling into a ball and bawling when the kids leave.

Kids motivation -
- They are super responsible and troopers. They want me to do this if I LOVE it. They have assured me that they will manage and have taken over a whole lot of stuff in my absence during the summer break. We will see how it works during school year. I suspect they will need me more. They are ok with whatever I choose - work, volunteer or just stay at home.

My motivation -
Unfortunately, I am being motivated by negative feelings that has come from my own thought process, and not from any external source.
- Sadness - All my kids will leave home at the same time. Can I find something to fulfill me similarly?
- Apprehension - Can I get a job at my age? Can I earn a living? No one is going to hire a SAHM who has been home for so many years.
- Internal bullying - Everyone makes sacrifices to work. Why should I be the special snowflake who is spared?
- Shame - People are unemployed and I am rejecting a job that fell in my lap. What if I had no choice and had to be the breadwinner?
- Greed - What if this job becomes something more? It could fill in the gaps in my resume.
- Fear - If I leave, people will think I could not hack it in real world.

My challenges at work stem from multiple things happening at the same time, as posters have pointed out -
- New job. It takes many months to stop feeling uninformed. The workday is challenging also because I am on high alert all the time and trying to figure things out.
- Lack of practice. Yup, many years of not working in the corporate world is kicking my butt. It is a huge change for me.
- Playing catch-up. With technology, acronyms, and being in a completely new industry that is technical and my past experience does not match up with it in any shape or form.
- Hours. This is more than a full time job. This is not what I envisioned. The work does not end at the office. It has taken over my weekends.
- Commute. I am not doing well at all with this. I have already worked remotely some days and what it has translated to is me working longer hours from home. I have started putting in 10 hours at home without moving from my desk to catch up. No wonder they love me!

Why this job is wrong for me -
- Mental toll. I hate that so much of my mind space is being occupied by this job. It was not meant to take over my life.
- Physical toll. My self-care has deteriorated significantly. I am exhausted.
- Toll on the family, on home. I am wracked with guilt that my home, kids, garden, charity, relationships and mom are being neglected. I have spent years tending to them and I am letting it all slip away at the crucial last years.
- Nature of work - Nothing about the work I am doing is interesting, familiar or worthwhile. It is stressful and completely uninspiring. I did not lie in the resume. I told them that I have not worked for x years. They must have been desperate and no one wanted to do this work. They have hobbled together several jobs that no one was doing/wanted and made it into one.
- Office environment - It is pretty much an isolating job. I do not have the time to meet people. People are not impolite or unfriendly. The feedback I have been given through another person is that they like me a lot! I really wonder why? They are perfectly fine people and perfectly polite. I just do not have much interaction with them.

Bottom-line -
I was very happy being the caretaker to my family. I still have this role for the next 4 years. After that, I want a job/occupation/charity/hobby that can give me similar levels of fulfillment. This job is not it. I will send in my notice and resignation letter this week. I will complete the assigned tasks and that will be it for me.

Using different voices, I have read your valuable replies aloud to my family today. They crack up when I use the exasperated voice and read "OMG, JUST Q-U-I-T", and they become very quite when they hear different POVs from both SAHMs and WOHMs. Your voices are actually the voices that have been in my head for some time now. I know what I gain and lose in both roles - SAHM or WOHM - because there are trade-offs in any role. No option gives you all that you want.

We are blessed to be financially secure, so I am going to start from that. Health needs to be prioritized, because kids are not settled yet, and DH is not yet retired. I need to start the job search when I am mentally ready to do so, and do something that I enjoy. I liked the idea of another pp, about looking into part time positions with organizations I volunteer with. I can absolutely monetize it if I need to. Thank you for that.

To all the women out there - WOHMs and SAHMs - thank you! You have taken the time to respond to my vent and it has helped me a lot.

Wow, OP - great post. I’m the SAHM who is waiting on a clearance to possibly start back to work and your posts have scared me to death. We seem to have a very similar background and I am incredibly apprehensive that I will land in a job just as you describe. In fact, my husband and I were eating out tonight and I told him about you and your post and how you’ve exactly described what I’m most afraid of - that I will accept a job that kills our quality of life. Like your husband, he would be happy for me to do whatever I want, so I’m extremely lucky to have his support, no matter what I ultimately decide.

I don’t have any answers here; I hope you’re able to find something that makes you happy. And I hope I am too!

[Anonymous]

I would quit tomorrow and not even out this on your resume. Just pretend like it was bad dream, stay home with your kids, then start over from the beginning when/if you want at a later time. Pretty soon your kids may only come home twice per year, so get in those last precious years of them being home under your roof.