i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you seem full of excuses and unwilling to make any changes. So you're just going to accept this horrible existence many women live. You refuse to find another job, can't go parttime, won't consider moving etc.

If I were you I'd find a new job near your husband's work OR a fed job that allows for telework even if it's a major salary cut. My understanding is you need health insurance, right?

That's probably why OP said, in the beginning, that she doesn't see any solutions but was just looking to vent

This is the struggle of life - we want more money, more time, more stability, and can't get them all at once. It causes us to suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

My husband and I don't even have kids and we would find it hard to live entirely on $105k. Why not assume that if OP is saying that her family needs her to keep working, that she knows her situation better than you do? And that she really is just expressing frustration rather than looking for you to tell her how she doesn't actually know what she needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how her husband has a job that pays 160k but doesn't offer health insurance? That seems really strange.

I also don't understand why OP can't go part time. Okay, sure there's a stigma, but you essentially can't be fired and you're working for the stability so why do you care? If I was in your shoes I wouldn't think twice about the stigma and just go part time already!

I would assume that his job is less stable than OP's - like for example, I have worked in digital media companies where I earned an ok amount and got health insurance, but was always aware that my job could be cut at any second (which is, in fact, what's happened). So, he may have insurance now, but he also lives with knowing his good salary and good job may not last. Anyway, that's just my guess.

[Anonymous]

Don't quit the Feds, OP. I also have a DH with some medical issues. Just knowing that I could keep working, providing the health insurance and some income was really important. My advice is to stop with one child-- the second child's expenses and complications would make it even worse. Or wait to have the second if you are going to.

With your security clearances and experience you can get a Fed job closer to your house. In the meantime you can go to 32 hours per week. Just one day a week will make a huge difference for you. You can go back to full-time if need be later.

Your child will start staying up later in a year or two, things will change. They actually need you more later, believe it or not. And they can tell you that too, so it gets emotionally harder.

Good luck! Focus on the positive things... you have a job, you have a home, your husband has good medical care, your child is well. Other people would give their right arm for those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this post. Your husband's salary is enough to SAHM. It does not have to be forever. I say this as someone who is 40 and worked full time until last year when my kids were 2 and 5. I now freelance part time to pay for personal things (my haircuts, my Starbucks, my clothes, etc). My husband makes the same as yours. I will go back in a few years or ramp up my freelance work and never go back again. I had enough money in my own retirement to step back. I have not noticed any financial difference in our quality of life. I am much happier. I have to say the elementary grades are harder schedule wise than younger kids. When my kids were younger and I was working, they stayed up til 9 pm, so I had time with them in the evening. I had a full time nanny so they could sleep til 8 am.

I would move or get a new job. Your commute is long. Or really re-evaluate. I think you have enough income to SAH,

Do you realize how much privilege is implied by your post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

Her DH MS means she needs good insurance. And eventually he will be unable to work so she needs to maintain career

OP here. I pray every day that he'll be able to work as long as he wants to, but of course it isn't a guarantee. Plus, being the sole breadwinner (or even feeling the need to supplement lost income from me going part-time) exerts greater pressure on him. More stress = greater likelihood of an MS episode. We have been incredibly lucky so far, in that he has only had 2 episodes since he was diagnosed 4 years ago. He can walk, and generally you wouldn't know he has MS. Of course, ultimately no one knows what the future holds, so we have to make sure we always have insurance.

His job stability is the same as for most in the private sector -- his company likes him and he seems to be valued now, but of course that can always change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't quit the Feds, OP. I also have a DH with some medical issues. Just knowing that I could keep working, providing the health insurance and some income was really important. My advice is to stop with one child-- the second child's expenses and complications would make it even worse. Or wait to have the second if you are going to.

With your security clearances and experience you can get a Fed job closer to your house. In the meantime you can go to 32 hours per week. Just one day a week will make a huge difference for you. You can go back to full-time if need be later.

Your child will start staying up later in a year or two, things will change. They actually need you more later, believe it or not. And they can tell you that too, so it gets emotionally harder.

Good luck! Focus on the positive things... you have a job, you have a home, your husband has good medical care, your child is well. Other people would give their right arm for those things.

Thank you so much. Do you have recommendations for places I could be looking that are closer to MoCo? I am in risk analysis, essentially.

[Anonymous]

You make 90k with a TS? You can do much better in the private sector.
I get that you want to stay fed, so j would look hard for a move with the Feds. Plenty of agencies in MD. Make it a priority to look for a new positipn and apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't quit the Feds, OP. I also have a DH with some medical issues. Just knowing that I could keep working, providing the health insurance and some income was really important. My advice is to stop with one child-- the second child's expenses and complications would make it even worse. Or wait to have the second if you are going to.

With your security clearances and experience you can get a Fed job closer to your house. In the meantime you can go to 32 hours per week. Just one day a week will make a huge difference for you. You can go back to full-time if need be later.

Your child will start staying up later in a year or two, things will change. They actually need you more later, believe it or not. And they can tell you that too, so it gets emotionally harder.

Good luck! Focus on the positive things... you have a job, you have a home, your husband has good medical care, your child is well. Other people would give their right arm for those things.

Thank you so much. Do you have recommendations for places I could be looking that are closer to MoCo? I am in risk analysis, essentially.

Ft Meade. Cybercom, FDA, NSA, HHS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: a year ago, i would've been pretty upset. i just don't care anymore.

i live for the moment when i pick up my 1 year old from daycare.

Very very common for people to start caring less about work once they have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't quit the Feds, OP. I also have a DH with some medical issues. Just knowing that I could keep working, providing the health insurance and some income was really important. My advice is to stop with one child-- the second child's expenses and complications would make it even worse. Or wait to have the second if you are going to.

With your security clearances and experience you can get a Fed job closer to your house. In the meantime you can go to 32 hours per week. Just one day a week will make a huge difference for you. You can go back to full-time if need be later.

Your child will start staying up later in a year or two, things will change. They actually need you more later, believe it or not. And they can tell you that too, so it gets emotionally harder.

Good luck! Focus on the positive things... you have a job, you have a home, your husband has good medical care, your child is well. Other people would give their right arm for those things.

Thank you so much. Do you have recommendations for places I could be looking that are closer to MoCo? I am in risk analysis, essentially.

Ft Meade. Cybercom, FDA, NSA, HHS

Frankly, the commute from where I live in MoCo to NSA is probably worse than what I have now. I also know a lot of people at NSA, and most talk about how it's impossible to get promoted. The place is also going through massive reorgs (yes, multiple) right now, and it's sort of a s*tshow. I know less about Cybercom and HHS.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you are stuck living in Montgomery County if your DH job is in MD east of the District and you work in NOVA. You should move closer to one of your jobs, ideally yours since your DH will likely change jobs or eventually need to give up his job because of his MS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband's job does have health insurance. The issue is that we need health insurance to be as much of a guarantee as possible, given his MS.

His job doesn't exist on a part-time basis. He is a VP at a large company and supervises a large marketing org. He can't do his job part-time.

For those asking -- I make $90k. I care about having a career; I'm not just working for the stability. I get that I'm probably just trying to have it all, which is impossible.

OP, I totally get it. We make a similar HHI with a very similar salary breakdown between DH and me, and we have two kids in daycare. My DH also has some chronic health conditions and though not as serious as MS, they do impact our decision for me to keep working, too. I still struggle with wanting to stay home, trying to find ways to simplify, worrying if I spend enough time with the kids. I know my DH worries about these things too, and we both balance needing to maintain our own physical and mental well-being with the needs of our kids, our home, our careers. It can be overwhelming.

I'm a few years further down the road than you are, and obviously I made the decision to keep working. DH and I commute in opposite directions too, with our home and daycare being roughly in the middle. There were some very rough times, especially after our second was born. I recently decided to shift direction with my career and pursued an internal role with my company that allows me to telework most days and go into our main office a few times a month. I used to be client facing and required onsite access, and now I work in resource management for those clients. It definitely does not have the trajectory that my old role had, but my knowledge of the industry qualified me for the job. It's stable, flexible, and geographically transferable. I'm also available for my kids. The tradeoff is I do not have the earning potential I once had, though I'm really not sure how far I could have made it up the ladder in my old role anyway.

Anyway, just one of many anecdotes on how someone managed a similar situation. I do think it's worth examining your professional options at this point to see if there's something that might offer you more flexibility...you just honestly don't know until you start poking around (I know I didn't). Something that helped me in the early days was to try to be present and in the moment when I was with my babies - no phones, no thoughts about work or what needs to be done, just me holding and caring for my baby and really being there. It makes the time you do spend so special. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

Where exactly was this area?

[Anonymous]

I'd move to the private sector or to a fed job that allows some teleworking.

So many employers offer this. I WFH 2x a week and it's a total game changer for me. Changed my whole outlook on work.