Together for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what would you tell, say, your daughter if she was in this scenario and woefully unhappy? "Honey, I know your life blows, but you really need to suck it up and pretend to be happy for the next 10 years. You chose to give up your life when you had kids. You don't matter anymore."? Really?

You are putting words in my mouth that i would never say. I would tell her to take a very hard look at her finances and get a realistic picture of what joint custody and dealing with a stepmom will actually be like. Nobody is saying she gave up her life or that she doesn't matter. But divorce is trading one set of problems for another and there is no guarantee of being happier. I would tell her to get a therapist, take care of herself, and pursue her own happiness within the marriage as best she can, and only dovorce after she has truly tried her best to avoid it. Nobody is asking her to pretend to be happy, just don't expose the kids to conflict and stop chasing the fiction that a new man will fix her unhappiness. Romantic relationships are not everything in life and we can all find happiness whether married, dating, or single, because there are so many other parts of life to sustain us.

Of course there is no guarantee of being happier if you leave. But there is a guarantee of being miserable if you stay. And no one is saying romantic relationships are the apex of life. I'm divorced myself. No kids. I found complete happiness being single. I'm mature enough to know I don't need, and shouldn't depend on another person to make me feel happy and complete. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let another person PREVENT me from being happy.

Exactly this. As someone late 40s with a child, the decision I'm making now about getting divorced is the hardest I've ever had to make. Believe me, I'm not going through this hell so I can find a cute new boyfriend to make me happy. I'm at a point where I don't think I can handle being this miserable much longer. Finding someone new isn't on my list of priorities.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and remarried. I think the largest issue with divorce is that you have 2 parents who split and then have different agenda's and goals. If both parents have to stay together just to make the kids their #1 priority, I think that is worth it.

My ex left, I had 2 small kids and I went from splitting the work between me and my ex to doing it all myself. Ex wanted no part at all in parenting, he was OK with having fun with the kids though. If I had to stay married just to have my ex make my kids a focus then I would have.

Then, ex gets remarried and his priority is making his new wife happy, kids are a second priority.

I think this happens because a lot of men need a spouse (or think they need a spouse) and it is easier for them to just try and make the current wife happy then to take care of the kids. Also, dealing with the exwife can be unpleasant, so easier to just let the ex handle everything with no support.

This is not only a man thing, I've seen women do this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

exactly. My parents got divorced when i was 20. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought they were the model of a happy marriage. Their divorce was even civil. Everything right down the middle. Both had careers.

I did not see it coming, they never fought and were playful with each other. I suppose they were just friends. No passion.

And so afterwards were you happy that they stayed together throughout your childhood?

Oh dear God yes. It was really sad when they separated. I'm so greatful that I didn't have to experience that as a child. I will say though, them announcing their separation was like someone had just shocked me an ice bath. Whatever was going on with them went on behind closed doors and nothing spilled out. I have wonderful memories growing up in an entact family.

[Anonymous]

Staying together for the kids isn't always a horror story - sometimes there are happy endings. 2nd cousin and her husband stayed together for kids was well known among the family and everyone put on their respective airs at family gatherings to complete the facade that they're a happy loving family for the kids sake. But when tragedy struck concerning another family member the formerly "husband and wife in name only" found themselves able to get passt the obstacles they once faced as a couple and the crisis actually brought them together again. It's been 10 years since and they're a poster-couple for happiness.

[Anonymous]

WHY do you have to? Ten more years? That's like saying that you just received a 10 year jail sentence, and you have no hope of being released on good behavior. I wouldn't (and didn't) stay in a marriage for the kids, and I have no regrets, nor have I ever had any. My children also have no regrets. They like to say that it takes more courage to walk away than it does to stay and be miserable, and that their mom is a badass who has balls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY do you have to? Ten more years? That's like saying that you just received a 10 year jail sentence, and you have no hope of being released on good behavior. I wouldn't (and didn't) stay in a marriage for the kids, and I have no regrets, nor have I ever had any. My children also have no regrets. They like to say that it takes more courage to walk away than it does to stay and be miserable, and that their mom is a badass who has balls.

Your dysfunctuon is their normal. That's all.

How could your kids have no regrets? They weren't given a choice to be born to people who couldn't put their differences aside for the good of thr family unit. They are the victims.