She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.

He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled

This is the essence of it and was my first immediate reaction when I read the first post (without even seeing your later elaboration). For men, sex is elementally the most important way that a woman expresses her attraction for him. You were willing to do things with those other men that you wouldn't do with him. Of course you don't owe any act to anyone. But the fact that you were willing and interested in trying different things with other men and won't for him is something of course something that he takes as an insult. This sends the message that *they* were the ones that you were really interested in and and trying to please and he's kind of the reliable backup schlub you had to settle for when things didn't work out with the men that really interested you.

Let's put it this way-let's say that you were unhappy with the lack of romance and consideration in your marriage. He never remembered birthdays or planned dates or took you out. And you found out later that he had done all sorts of romantic gestures and date planning with his last five girlfriends. I doubt that you'd be like "Who cares? None of my business what happened before!" You'd probably take it pretty poorly.

So listen to all the women on the thread who say "LOL! Men are insecure slut shamers. Tell him to go to hell" See how well that goes for your marriage.

This is a really good analogy. *golf clap*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to man up! Because if you've been down the road of fun stuff, you probably still crave it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also, to all women out there please do NOT tell your DH that you will not do something sexually with them that you previously did to someone else because "I did not care about them but I care about you so I won't do that anymore." Men cannot process that. A better way to go is "I did that when I was in a bad place and I felt degraded after I did it - I never want to feel that way again."

I also thought this was very good. Kudos to the person who wrote this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.

He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled

This is the essence of it and was my first immediate reaction when I read the first post (without even seeing your later elaboration). For men, sex is elementally the most important way that a woman expresses her attraction for him. You were willing to do things with those other men that you wouldn't do with him. Of course you don't owe any act to anyone. But the fact that you were willing and interested in trying different things with other men and won't for him is something of course something that he takes as an insult. This sends the message that *they* were the ones that you were really interested in and and trying to please and he's kind of the reliable backup schlub you had to settle for when things didn't work out with the men that really interested you.

Let's put it this way-let's say that you were unhappy with the lack of romance and consideration in your marriage. He never remembered birthdays or planned dates or took you out. And you found out later that he had done all sorts of romantic gestures and date planning with his last five girlfriends. I doubt that you'd be like "Who cares? None of my business what happened before!" You'd probably take it pretty poorly.

So listen to all the women on the thread who say "LOL! Men are insecure slut shamers. Tell him to go to hell" See how well that goes for your marriage.

2nd best post I've seen on DCUM, ever. Sadly, the typical poster here cannot or will not see the hypocrisy in their argument/posts

[Anonymous]

I hear your concern for your husband and the situation with your past. From what you've shared, it sounds like your husband feels hurt that you were not completely open, honest, and truthful with him. Honesty, Truth, and openness are part of building a strong foundation in any relationship and marriage. It sounds like your husband expected you to be open and honest with him and when he found out you weren't, he felt betrayed. Truth is we all have made choices in the past that we would change if we could, however, we can't. We can only forgive ourselves, learn from them, and move on, having made many poor choices myself in the past. I acknowledge you that you truly want to make things right with your husband and asking for help when you weren't sure what to do.

Perhaps your husband just wants to feel heard by you or acknowledged that you are truly sorry for not sharing that part of your life with him. If so, maybe asking him to forgive you, genuinely with remorse, will help you to reconcile your relationship with him. Maybe it's best not to share the details of your past choices with him for the past is in the past. Instead, maybe you could share what you learned from that experience and how you've grown since that time in your life. Re-commit to him that from this point forward, you will do your best to be completely open, honest and truthful with him.

I hope this is helpful.
Blessings to you and your husband and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I worry that you think your husband is your knight in shining armor. What kind of real intimacy can you have when you think your life is supposed to be fairy tale?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy here is a situation that happened to me the other day. I went and had a haircut, afterwards Dw asked me to send her a pic, so I did. She commented that she loves my smile and thought I looked sexy. I replied that a sexy pic from her would be nice to see and she sent a wink face back.
Few days later we are texting and I said didn't you say you were going to send me a selfie the other day? I then received this long reply on how she deserves to be loved and appreciated and not ogled. I said I wasn't looking for nudes figured a face shot like I sent her, but sorry I do love and appreciate you as I tell you this all the time, also when we are in bed together I do ogle at you.
The thing is she told me before with her old bf that one time she took a bunch of hard core pics of herself with an instant camera, met bf and his friend out and showed the pics to both of them then proceeded to go into the parking lot with them because bf asked if she wanted sex. So Im left thinking I can not even get a face shot of my wife, but the guy before me got all this, what is wrong with me? I am the guy she say she loves so much and take such good care of her (shes SAH) but some other guy got all the fun. It is a little upsetting on my end

This obsession with getting exactly the same thing that everyone else has gotten is ridiculous. You feel that you "deserve" to get pretty face pictures of her because someone else got naked pictures? That's silly. She has the right to send or not send whatever pictures she wants. Would you still feel entitled to pretty face pictures if she hadn't sent other pictures to other people?

I think the part about how you take such good care of her so she should just give you whatever you want says a lot about where you're at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.

He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled

This is the essence of it and was my first immediate reaction when I read the first post (without even seeing your later elaboration). For men, sex is elementally the most important way that a woman expresses her attraction for him. You were willing to do things with those other men that you wouldn't do with him. Of course you don't owe any act to anyone. But the fact that you were willing and interested in trying different things with other men and won't for him is something of course something that he takes as an insult. This sends the message that *they* were the ones that you were really interested in and and trying to please and he's kind of the reliable backup schlub you had to settle for when things didn't work out with the men that really interested you.

Let's put it this way-let's say that you were unhappy with the lack of romance and consideration in your marriage. He never remembered birthdays or planned dates or took you out. And you found out later that he had done all sorts of romantic gestures and date planning with his last five girlfriends. I doubt that you'd be like "Who cares? None of my business what happened before!" You'd probably take it pretty poorly.

So listen to all the women on the thread who say "LOL! Men are insecure slut shamers. Tell him to go to hell" See how well that goes for your marriage.

This is a really good analogy. *golf clap*

+1. Yea, that WAS good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy here is a situation that happened to me the other day. I went and had a haircut, afterwards Dw asked me to send her a pic, so I did. She commented that she loves my smile and thought I looked sexy. I replied that a sexy pic from her would be nice to see and she sent a wink face back.
Few days later we are texting and I said didn't you say you were going to send me a selfie the other day? I then received this long reply on how she deserves to be loved and appreciated and not ogled. I said I wasn't looking for nudes figured a face shot like I sent her, but sorry I do love and appreciate you as I tell you this all the time, also when we are in bed together I do ogle at you.
The thing is she told me before with her old bf that one time she took a bunch of hard core pics of herself with an instant camera, met bf and his friend out and showed the pics to both of them then proceeded to go into the parking lot with them because bf asked if she wanted sex. So Im left thinking I can not even get a face shot of my wife, but the guy before me got all this, what is wrong with me? I am the guy she say she loves so much and take such good care of her (shes SAH) but some other guy got all the fun. It is a little upsetting on my end

This obsession with getting exactly the same thing that everyone else has gotten is ridiculous. You feel that you "deserve" to get pretty face pictures of her because someone else got naked pictures? That's silly. She has the right to send or not send whatever pictures she wants. Would you still feel entitled to pretty face pictures if she hadn't sent other pictures to other people?

I think the part about how you take such good care of her so she should just give you whatever you want says a lot about where you're at.

He never said that he was "entitled" or "deserved" despite your dishonest use of quotation marks.

What you bring and what give in a relationship is a sign of how you value it. She was very willing to be adventurous and sexually entice her ex. She doesn't have the same interest or esteem for her husband, who she she likely sees as an ATM and gutter clearing utensil. He isn't owed anything but he should take note of how she shows she values him vs other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.

He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled

This is the essence of it and was my first immediate reaction when I read the first post (without even seeing your later elaboration). For men, sex is elementally the most important way that a woman expresses her attraction for him. You were willing to do things with those other men that you wouldn't do with him. Of course you don't owe any act to anyone. But the fact that you were willing and interested in trying different things with other men and won't for him is something of course something that he takes as an insult. This sends the message that *they* were the ones that you were really interested in and and trying to please and he's kind of the reliable backup schlub you had to settle for when things didn't work out with the men that really interested you.

Let's put it this way-let's say that you were unhappy with the lack of romance and consideration in your marriage. He never remembered birthdays or planned dates or took you out. And you found out later that he had done all sorts of romantic gestures and date planning with his last five girlfriends. I doubt that you'd be like "Who cares? None of my business what happened before!" You'd probably take it pretty poorly.

So listen to all the women on the thread who say "LOL! Men are insecure slut shamers. Tell him to go to hell" See how well that goes for your marriage.

This is a really good analogy. *golf clap*

I think it's a good analogy too, and as a woman, I will add that if there is some reason why you don't want to do sexually adventurous things with him, you should communicate about that. My husband and I have a great sex life, but it's not as adventurous as I'd been with previous partners. The thing is that I tried stuff with previous partners that I then didn't end up enjoying. I am happy to have sex with my husband every night, but I don't want to ever do anal again. I didn't enjoy it when I tried it before, and I don't want to do it again. If DH suddenly wanted to do that, I would tell him that while I've done it before, I didn't like it and don't want to do it again. You shouldn't be required to repeat every sexual thing you've ever done before simply because you've done it before. It has nothing to do with trying to please one partner and not giving a damn about pleasing DH. People should have conversations about what they are and are not into, but we have a hard time communicating directly about these things. DH and I have discussed the stuff that we both are and are not into, and fortunately for us, we are on the same page. I'm sure he would like if we tried anal together, but it's just not something I'm interested in doing again.

So while I agree with most of the post above, I think it also depends on why the OP isn't doing the adventurous stuff anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy here is a situation that happened to me the other day. I went and had a haircut, afterwards Dw asked me to send her a pic, so I did. She commented that she loves my smile and thought I looked sexy. I replied that a sexy pic from her would be nice to see and she sent a wink face back.
Few days later we are texting and I said didn't you say you were going to send me a selfie the other day? I then received this long reply on how she deserves to be loved and appreciated and not ogled. I said I wasn't looking for nudes figured a face shot like I sent her, but sorry I do love and appreciate you as I tell you this all the time, also when we are in bed together I do ogle at you.
The thing is she told me before with her old bf that one time she took a bunch of hard core pics of herself with an instant camera, met bf and his friend out and showed the pics to both of them then proceeded to go into the parking lot with them because bf asked if she wanted sex. So Im left thinking I can not even get a face shot of my wife, but the guy before me got all this, what is wrong with me? I am the guy she say she loves so much and take such good care of her (shes SAH) but some other guy got all the fun. It is a little upsetting on my end

This obsession with getting exactly the same thing that everyone else has gotten is ridiculous. You feel that you "deserve" to get pretty face pictures of her because someone else got naked pictures? That's silly. She has the right to send or not send whatever pictures she wants. Would you still feel entitled to pretty face pictures if she hadn't sent other pictures to other people?

I think the part about how you take such good care of her so she should just give you whatever you want says a lot about where you're at.

He never said that he was "entitled" or "deserved" despite your dishonest use of quotation marks.

What you bring and what give in a relationship is a sign of how you value it. She was very willing to be adventurous and sexually entice her ex. She doesn't have the same interest or esteem for her husband, who she she likely sees as an ATM and gutter clearing utensil. He isn't owed anything but he should take note of how she shows she values him vs other men.

Please point to the place where he says that she sees him as an ATM and do us all a huge favor and point to anywhere in this entire thread where "gutter clearing" is mentioned.

It seems clear from their interaction that she thought that he was asking for nude pictures and felt uncomfortable with that. If he just wanted a pretty face selfie, then he should have said so. It's also pretty clear that the nude picture ask made her uncomfortable, and I think the sensitive thing to do would be to ask why she feels that way, rather than to go down a "some other guy got all the fun" rabbit hole and talk about how she stays at home and he takes care of her. That's the part that makes it seem like entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy here is a situation that happened to me the other day. I went and had a haircut, afterwards Dw asked me to send her a pic, so I did. She commented that she loves my smile and thought I looked sexy. I replied that a sexy pic from her would be nice to see and she sent a wink face back.
Few days later we are texting and I said didn't you say you were going to send me a selfie the other day? I then received this long reply on how she deserves to be loved and appreciated and not ogled. I said I wasn't looking for nudes figured a face shot like I sent her, but sorry I do love and appreciate you as I tell you this all the time, also when we are in bed together I do ogle at you.
The thing is she told me before with her old bf that one time she took a bunch of hard core pics of herself with an instant camera, met bf and his friend out and showed the pics to both of them then proceeded to go into the parking lot with them because bf asked if she wanted sex. So Im left thinking I can not even get a face shot of my wife, but the guy before me got all this, what is wrong with me? I am the guy she say she loves so much and take such good care of her (shes SAH) but some other guy got all the fun. It is a little upsetting on my end

This obsession with getting exactly the same thing that everyone else has gotten is ridiculous. You feel that you "deserve" to get pretty face pictures of her because someone else got naked pictures? That's silly. She has the right to send or not send whatever pictures she wants. Would you still feel entitled to pretty face pictures if she hadn't sent other pictures to other people?

I think the part about how you take such good care of her so she should just give you whatever you want says a lot about where you're at.

He never said that he was "entitled" or "deserved" despite your dishonest use of quotation marks.

What you bring and what give in a relationship is a sign of how you value it. She was very willing to be adventurous and sexually entice her ex. She doesn't have the same interest or esteem for her husband, who she she likely sees as an ATM and gutter clearing utensil. He isn't owed anything but he should take note of how she shows she values him vs other men.

You're scary. Sorry your red pill philosophy has not made you any happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy here is a situation that happened to me the other day. I went and had a haircut, afterwards Dw asked me to send her a pic, so I did. She commented that she loves my smile and thought I looked sexy. I replied that a sexy pic from her would be nice to see and she sent a wink face back.
Few days later we are texting and I said didn't you say you were going to send me a selfie the other day? I then received this long reply on how she deserves to be loved and appreciated and not ogled. I said I wasn't looking for nudes figured a face shot like I sent her, but sorry I do love and appreciate you as I tell you this all the time, also when we are in bed together I do ogle at you.
The thing is she told me before with her old bf that one time she took a bunch of hard core pics of herself with an instant camera, met bf and his friend out and showed the pics to both of them then proceeded to go into the parking lot with them because bf asked if she wanted sex. So Im left thinking I can not even get a face shot of my wife, but the guy before me got all this, what is wrong with me? I am the guy she say she loves so much and take such good care of her (shes SAH) but some other guy got all the fun. It is a little upsetting on my end

This obsession with getting exactly the same thing that everyone else has gotten is ridiculous. You feel that you "deserve" to get pretty face pictures of her because someone else got naked pictures? That's silly. She has the right to send or not send whatever pictures she wants. Would you still feel entitled to pretty face pictures if she hadn't sent other pictures to other people?

I think the part about how you take such good care of her so she should just give you whatever you want says a lot about where you're at.

I think its weird when women describe their own husbands as "ogling" them and how that insults them. WTF? A husband should think his wife is hot and want to look at her. Its not insulting and I am total feminist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is the essence of it and was my first immediate reaction when I read the first post (without even seeing your later elaboration). For men, sex is elementally the most important way that a woman expresses her attraction for him. You were willing to do things with those other men that you wouldn't do with him. Of course you don't owe any act to anyone. But the fact that you were willing and interested in trying different things with other men and won't for him is something of course something that he takes as an insult. This sends the message that *they* were the ones that you were really interested in and and trying to please and he's kind of the reliable backup schlub you had to settle for when things didn't work out with the men that really interested you.

Let's put it this way-let's say that you were unhappy with the lack of romance and consideration in your marriage. He never remembered birthdays or planned dates or took you out. And you found out later that he had done all sorts of romantic gestures and date planning with his last five girlfriends. I doubt that you'd be like "Who cares? None of my business what happened before!" You'd probably take it pretty poorly.

So listen to all the women on the thread who say "LOL! Men are insecure slut shamers. Tell him to go to hell" See how well that goes for your marriage.

Thank you for this -- you put it VERY well so women could GET it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Dramatic jackass. No one was referencing abuse. You're a woman who can't deal with the fact that other women had more sex and just lived more than you, heifer.

Who said anything about abuse? You should learn to read more closely. Engaging in sexual acts that make you feel worthless or degraded because of low self-esteem is sexual trauma (remember, the reason why many women claim they used engage in certain sex acts but don't want to do them now).

You need to give it up. You're a drama llama judgmental ass. Embrace it. No good adults act like that but you do you.

You're attacking traditional, patriarchal sexual norms by appealing to some "good people" normative standard.

Are you trying to be ironic?