Dating an older man - 20 years older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A younger husband would be better if you are planning to have kids. I would be leery of having kids with a 50+ year old, unless he's rich enough that you can afford all the help you need and will be taken care of if he dies earlier than expected.

Some of the doom and gloom here is a bit overblown though. Most 70 year olds do not need assisted living, in modern times -- especially not the mostly middle/upper-middle class people that post here. It's just a harsh reality that higher socioeconomic status means better health and longer life.

If he's 50, you've got a better than even chance of 25+ years of reasonably good health before he is old and frail. Most people would consider 25 years of a happy marriage to be a blessing. Nothing lasts forever.

But, I still wouldn't do it unless he's got money, or at least a really good career, where financial issues aren't going to be a problem. It sounds mean, but you don't want to be stuck with an old, poor man. It's one thing to be with an old rich guy, or a young, poor guy, but not an old poor guy.

Just more evidence men age like wine while women age like milk.

Not really. Only if they've got money, or unusually fit and handsome. Old, shlubby broke guys do not age like wine. Maybe jug wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not really. Only if they've got money, or unusually fit and handsome. Old, shlubby broke guys do not age like wine. Maybe jug wine.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex is 41 and dating a 22 year old. Everyone in our circle thinks he's a moron. I'm happily remarried to someone my own age.

Everyone is probably jealous.

Jealous of his babysitting job?

This is the case in my circle as well. People are minimally polite, but millennial girlfriends are tolerated, perhaps pitied for their naivete, but never fully accepted. The men are looked down upon and excluded if we don't feel like dealing with the girlfriend at a particular event.

Wow, talk about being defensive. And the younger woman is supposedly the childish one?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, why not? If you're not planning on kids and this is someone you can really see a future with, go for it. Chances are you'll have 20-25 years of good health with this man. Yes, it does mean (more likely than not) that you'll be widowed at a young age, and that you might spend your 50s caring for an ailing spouse. But if you'd rather have 2 decades with this man than 4-5 decades with any other, that's what you should do. It sounds like you're going in with your eyes open.

I know of a couple that was like this. The husband promised the wife 20 years. He made it about 25 years before he began to fall ill. But those 20 years were very active and they traveled a lot and enjoyed one another. She thought it was worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex is 41 and dating a 22 year old. Everyone in our circle thinks he's a moron. I'm happily remarried to someone my own age.

Everyone is probably jealous.

Jealous of his babysitting job?

This is the case in my circle as well. People are minimally polite, but millennial girlfriends are tolerated, perhaps pitied for their naivete, but never fully accepted. The men are looked down upon and excluded if we don't feel like dealing with the girlfriend at a particular event.

Wow, talk about being defensive. And the younger woman is supposedly the childish one?

Right. Sorry, but it does seem like the stereotypical Old Hens Circling the Wagon in response to a "threat" (a younger woman).

[Anonymous]

Husband of one of my best friends is 25 years older than she is. In her case, it has turned out to be a very happy, fulfilling marriage. She is quite smart, is independently and professionally successful, and is financially independent, in addition to her husband being wealthy as well. While she is not financially oriented, that security is helpful, I think, given the possibility of long-term illness or care needs. She has mentioned, though, that she needs to spend longer getting to know people and new communities, like at her children's school, before some people get over there presumptions about her given her husbands older age. Also, it has been harder for them to make "couple friends" given the age difference. They are both very independent people, though, and are happy to do their own things with their own friends. So, in her particular circumstances, the age difference hasn't had a huge impact. If she did not have professional success and security, independent financial security, or the personality to want to build social relationships independent of her husband, I could see there could be far greater issues. As it is, though, she and her husband of one of the better overall marriages I've seen. Not that anyone really knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage.

[Anonymous]

It is working for me. He accepts me and treats me with respect. He is present in our relationship. We have an intimate sexual and emotional bond.

It doesn't hurt that he looks 20 years younger, is curious and creative and has the energy of a young man. He's 72 and just retired this year.

[Anonymous]

72, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:72, lol

We have been married for 18 years, known each other for 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:72, lol

We have been married for 18 years, known each other for 20.

Good for you (not being sarcastic).

There is truly no reason to begrudge another women for being with an older man unless you've got some insecurity or jealousy. Those are the real reasons why some women get on their high horses about this. Just be honest about that and stop acting like you are acting in the name of some higher purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:72, lol

We have been married for 18 years, known each other for 20.

Good for you (not being sarcastic).

There is truly no reason to begrudge another women for being with an older man unless you've got some insecurity or jealousy. Those are the real reasons why some women get on their high horses about this. Just be honest about that and stop acting like you are acting in the name of some higher purpose.

No, in some cases, the women who advise against this do so because they have BTDT or had a friend/relative who did and saw the downside. Their experience is just as valid as the people like PP who have had positive experiences.

The point is that there are risks and potential issues (just like dating a man who is divorced with children from another marriage or dating a man who is significantly younger or having a long-distance relationship). People ask advice about these things because they want to get perspective. So some people highlight the upsides and say things worked out. Others have had more negative experiences and point out the potential downsides.

Ultimately, I think most people who come here for advice on relationships aren't really swayed by what they read. They'll cherry pick the posts that kind of say what they want to hear (or what decision they were already leaning toward) and do what they were going to do anyway.

[Anonymous]

Only 1% of the population marries with that type of age gap. It might seem more normal here in D.C. where the cost of living is so high, younger women are more willing to m date and marry older men. We usually see the pictures of the younger woman with the older man at formal social events. Think about the day to day. The music, activities, shared history. To me, the woman has daddy issues or wants someone rich, and the man wants everyone to know his penis still works.

When they are much older, I have seen these pairings where the man looks like the grandfather in casual settings, with the younger wife and the screaming bratty kids running around.

What 60 year old man really wants to spend his time with screaming bratty toddlers? Not too many. The men usually look miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only 1% of the population marries with that type of age gap. It might seem more normal here in D.C. where the cost of living is so high, younger women are more willing to m date and marry older men. We usually see the pictures of the younger woman with the older man at formal social events. Think about the day to day. The music, activities, shared history. To me, the woman has daddy issues or wants someone rich, and the man wants everyone to know his penis still works.

When they are much older, I have seen these pairings where the man looks like the grandfather in casual settings, with the younger wife and the screaming bratty kids running around.

What 60 year old man really wants to spend his time with screaming bratty toddlers? Not too many. The men usually look miserable.

OP was talking about a 30 year old with a 50 year old.

[Anonymous]

I think that the child thing is the biggest issue. If you really and truly don't want kids, then that takes care of that problem.

However if you are 30, there is a pretty decent chance that you may decide you want kids a few years down the road. I would discuss that with him. What happens if you change your mind. Would he be on board with that decision. Would he let you go and find someone else at that time. I know it seems like a silly thing to discuss, but I have seen it happen several times over the years.

I have seen it where both partners were completely honest with each other about not wanting kids. No deception or trickery at all. Then a few years down the road, one partner decides that they really do want kids. It can be a disaster. As an older woman (50), I have seen many friends change their minds about children when they hit about 37.

Other than the kid issue, though, I see no problem with you dating or marrying a guy 20 years older than you. Happiness and love are elusive. If you have found what you are looking for, fight for it!

Good luck to you both. I hope it all works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:72, lol

We have been married for 18 years, known each other for 20.

Good for you (not being sarcastic).

There is truly no reason to begrudge another women for being with an older man unless you've got some insecurity or jealousy. Those are the real reasons why some women get on their high horses about this. Just be honest about that and stop acting like you are acting in the name of some higher purpose.

100% true. It sure seems like there are a LOT of women in the relationship forum that are unhappy with their own lives and don't like to see anyone else happy in their relationship.