Bad marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

Was he the father? Did you stop having sex with him after the baby was born? Your story makes no sense. Do you accept zero responsibility for having a child with a man of such low character?

Lots of men talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Yes I want kids. Oh I cant wait. Oh so cute.

Then go and hide at work. They had unrealistic expectations or role models who did very little parenting or caring for others. So they duck out, let down their wife & kids, and may even blow up their marriages and families trying to hide their truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t 50 at the bottom of the U on the lifetime happiness curve? I think a lot of people find themselves unhappy with life in general around that age. If they can just stick it out, persevere and do the work, the happiness will come back.

This is my view. Kids are grown or nearly grown. HS and college years are stressful and expensive and kids aren’t that grateful. Parents still working.

Once retirement is on the horizon and young adult kids mature and realize their parents don’t actually suck, the happiness comes back. Plus you are done paying college, can travel more, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe this to be a very valid statement and I could not agree any more.

I personally think being single after 50+ to be a great thing because having complete autonomy in one’s own life at that stage is very desirable.

That's weird. You think older needier and eventually retired people should all live it up single?
Sounds like PITA for the adult kids and everyone and yourself. Also sounds like you didn't think anything you said through. Hope you don't do that a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

DP. A marriage where you never even pretended or said you loved your husband is so unusual that's it's an inappropriate place to start saying "you never know what's truly going on." Some of us (and I'm in a very different but equally rare boat myself) have strange marriages, but I don't go around projecting my unlikely experience on the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

Children are a huge mistake and the younger generations have figured this out. Children ruin marriages and a woman’s life. Ask me how I know.

What kind of a.demented mind blames their own children for their failings as a spouse and parent? This is sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

. Ok your grammar usage suggests that you may be from a non western culture. You need to specify if your marriage was forced on you or arranged. Otherwise the assumption will be that you got married because you wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

You have no idea what you’re talking about, your monologue has nothing to do with my actual situation. It’s none of your business as to why I married him (no one in the whole world besides myself knows my story in full) - but I absolutely didn’t trick him into anything.

[Anonymous]

I’m mid 40s and IRL my close friends seem to actually like their husbands. Sure we vent a bit here and there about men, but we also are thankful we married good fathers/husbands.

In the circle I run in, all the dads coach youth sports, are handy at fixing things around the house, carry their weight with childcare, make decent six figure income, are still athletic/fit, etc.

I realize it’s somewhat of a crapshoot since some guys seem good on paper and then turn into lousy partners once kids come along. But if you find one who is really into being a good father and husband, and you click with like minded families, I think you’ll find yourself around people in happy marriages.

But perhaps there will be a bunch of surprise divorces in the next decade so we’ll see!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

DP. A marriage where you never even pretended or said you loved your husband is so unusual that's it's an inappropriate place to start saying "you never know what's truly going on." Some of us (and I'm in a very different but equally rare boat myself) have strange marriages, but I don't go around projecting my unlikely experience on the world.

I’m not projecting my experience but I’m quite sure that many people don’t go around sharing everything about themselves and their marriages.

As I said, I have a lot of friends, and a lot of people confide in me and trust me. For example, I chatted with a coworker who is a dedicated father to his two little kids, and their marriage is very strong. He asked why I moved to a different city, and I told him that I left my husband, moved, and now have a boyfriend here. And he said: “I wish my wife took our kids and went somewhere for a long time, and I could get a girlfriend”. Does that mean that his marriage is unhappy? I don’t think so. He is just tired of so many responsibilities that came with two little kids. That’s why earlier on this thread I mentioned that sometimes people just vent and then go back to their lives and don’t feel a need to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This forum is really pathetic sometimes. "I know happy marriages".

"No you don't"
"They are lying to you"
"Your friends just don't tell you anything ".

There are more perspectives than that here. For example, I am very guilty of only complaining when going through rough patches and not wanting to brag when things are going well. Most people in my life understand and see that, we have ups and downs. One or two morons believe the hard times and feelings are our permanent state.

I've seriously considered divorce twice in 25 years but other times I am so grateful to have this perfect half as my partner and usually we just grumble and snap when cranky or stressed, laugh together, comfort, roll our eyes, support, belittle driving habits, build up self esteem, calm each other down, understand and misunderstand, give life and wear each other down. Its just being human and how tolerant and tolerable you can be to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

Was he the father? Did you stop having sex with him after the baby was born? Your story makes no sense. Do you accept zero responsibility for having a child with a man of such low character?

Lots of men talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Yes I want kids. Oh I cant wait. Oh so cute.

Then go and hide at work. They had unrealistic expectations or role models who did very little parenting or caring for others. So they duck out, let down their wife & kids, and may even blow up their marriages and families trying to hide their truth.

. So what you're trying to say is that when it comes to one of the most important decisions most people ever make, who to marry and have children with, women have zero responsibility, zero agency, and zero obligation to accept their own responsibility should they choose poorly. Ok gotcha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

You have no idea what you’re talking about, your monologue has nothing to do with my actual situation. It’s none of your business as to why I married him (no one in the whole world besides myself knows my story in full) - but I absolutely didn’t trick him into anything.

Au contraire PP, you made it everyone's business by posting it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This forum is really pathetic sometimes. "I know happy marriages".

"No you don't"
"They are lying to you"
"Your friends just don't tell you anything ".

There are more perspectives than that here. For example, I am very guilty of only complaining when going through rough patches and not wanting to brag when things are going well. Most people in my life understand and see that, we have ups and downs. One or two morons believe the hard times and feelings are our permanent state.

I've seriously considered divorce twice in 25 years but other times I am so grateful to have this perfect half as my partner and usually we just grumble and snap when cranky or stressed, laugh together, comfort, roll our eyes, support, belittle driving habits, build up self esteem, calm each other down, understand and misunderstand, give life and wear each other down. Its just being human and how tolerant and tolerable you can be to each other.

Does seriously considered divorce mean you actually got to the point of consulting an attorney or it was just in the realm of fantasizing about it?Did you actually discuss divorce with your husband either time and if so, what was his reaction? What were your reasons for wanting to dovorce?