DH sulks constantly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You made a bad decision back then. Now you keep making bad decisions by staying with this abuser. You’ll never learn.

This

[Anonymous]

What you’re describing is not just “being emotional.” It sounds much closer to chronic withdrawal and emotional shutdown used as a response to conflict. Whether he intends it this way or not, days of silence, refusing eye contact, ignoring communication, and emotionally disappearing after disagreements creates a punishing dynamic in a marriage.

A few things can be true at once:

He probably genuinely does feel deeply hurt or overwhelmed.
He may have poor emotional regulation and need time to cool down.
And the way he handles those feelings is still damaging and unfair to you.

The key issue isn’t that he has feelings. Everyone does. The issue is that his coping mechanism turns conflict into prolonged emotional exile for you and instability for the relationship.

There are a few patterns this can come from:

Conflict avoidance / emotional immaturity — he experiences disagreement as intolerable and retreats instead of repairing.
Passive-aggressive punishment — consciously or unconsciously making you “pay” through distance and withholding connection.
Attachment insecurity — some people shut down hard when they feel criticized, rejected, or ashamed.
Learned family behavior — if this is how conflict was handled growing up, he may genuinely see it as normal.
Depression, anxiety, or personality traits can intensify this, though nobody online can diagnose him.

But regardless of the root cause, the impact matters. And the impact is:

you walk on eggshells,
repair takes forever,
conflict never actually resolves,
and you’re carrying the emotional labor of reconnecting.

That exhaustion you feel is real. Relationships can survive arguments. They usually cannot survive endless cycles of rupture with no timely repair.

One thing that stands out in your description is this:

“When he upsets me, he apologizes and we move on. But it takes days after I apologize for him to rebound.”

That asymmetry matters. It suggests the issue is not simply “he feels emotions strongly.” It suggests he may not know how to self-soothe, reconnect, or tolerate unresolved hurt without withdrawing entirely.

And therapy only helps if the person acknowledges there’s a problem. If his stance is:

“I’m allowed to feel what I feel,”

the missing follow-up is:

“Yes — and you’re still responsible for how you treat your partner while feeling it.”

Those are different things.

You don’t have to decide today whether to leave. But I would take your own despair seriously. “I think we’d be better off apart” usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere; it appears after years of unmet repair.

A productive next step is often shifting the conversation away from:

“You’re too sensitive”
toward:
“We need a conflict process that doesn’t involve days of emotional shutdown.”

Specific, behavioral asks are harder to dodge:

“I can respect needing space, but not 4 days of silence.”
“If you need time, tell me when we’ll reconnect.”
“I need acknowledgment, responsiveness, and repair within a reasonable timeframe.”

For example, many couples use agreements like:

take a few hours or one evening to cool off,
still respond to practical communication,
no stonewalling,
return to the issue within 24 hours.

What you’re describing is often called “stonewalling” in relationship psychology, especially when it becomes chronic. It’s one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown because it destroys emotional safety over time.

You are not unreasonable for being worn down by this....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a very strong and frequent pattern of sulking and pouting when he’s upset. It has really strained the marriage and I’m at my wits end. This has been going on for years.

If there’s anything that transpires between the two of us that he thinks is unfair or hurts his feelings, he won’t speak to me for three or four days beyond basic kids logistics. Won’t make eye contract, won’t check his text messages or calls, nothing.

It’s not at all the case that I’m some kind of jerk to him. When he upsets me, he apologizes and we move on. But it takes days after I apologize for him to rebound.

I’m exhausted. This cycle is killing our relationship. We’ve tried therapy before but he insists he’s just an emotional person who’s allowed to feel what he feels. I’m starting to feel like we’d be better off apart.

So who is the arbiter of what is fair or unfair?

If I were trapped in a sexless marriage I'd be sulky and pouty too. You're rewriting the history of your relationship for your own convenience.

He couldn't have been too sulky and pouty when you married him or you wouldn't have. You thought he was your best option at the time and you're probably right.

Why don't you give an example of what your last fight was about? Your side, his side, don't spin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, he’s always been like this even before we married. I was too inexperienced at the time to understand what a red flag it would be for a marriage and raising children.

Like a PP mentioned, it has definitely affected my desire to be close to him. All physical attraction has gone out the window. And then he wonders why I never want to be intimate.

I don’t leave because we have a SN child, otherwise I would. I’m trying to find ways to fill my time and find fulfillment through friends and hobbies, but this is tough.

I'm the pp who called out op for not sexually satisfying her husband. Nailed it.

OP’s spouse behaves like a poorly behaved kindergartner. Having sex with children is gross and illegal. I’m not surprised OP has no interest anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, he’s always been like this even before we married. I was too inexperienced at the time to understand what a red flag it would be for a marriage and raising children.

Like a PP mentioned, it has definitely affected my desire to be close to him. All physical attraction has gone out the window. And then he wonders why I never want to be intimate.

I don’t leave because we have a SN child, otherwise I would. I’m trying to find ways to fill my time and find fulfillment through friends and hobbies, but this is tough.

I'm the pp who called out op for not sexually satisfying her husband. Nailed it.

OP’s spouse behaves like a poorly behaved kindergartner. Having sex with children is gross and illegal. I’m not surprised OP has no interest anymore.

. No, he behaves like a man whose wife is punishing him by withholding sex and sees no way out.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy as a couple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How frequently does he have theses pouting episodes? And, what kinds of things set him off?

I’d say they’re probably twice a month. Most recently, he got upset when I told him I wasn’t feeling well and may have picked up the cold he just recovered from. He told me I needed to start taking emergen-C right away, to which I replied I don’t think that’s going to cure it, you have to be taking it as prevention to boost your immune system. His face immediately dropped and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I was making him feel like it’s all his fault, that he doesn’t know how to be around me, and that he needs time to decompress. I checked in with him later that night and he said he was still upset. So now we’re not speaking.

This is the key here. He feels responsible for everything and the prospect of getting blamed for the bad stuff is overwhelming, so he just needs to shut down. It might be something in your relationship or maybe the way he was raised that makes him feel like this. The stress of a SN child is likely a factor.

There is just a lot of resentment built up and he doesn’t necessarily want a full-blown confrontation because he’s afraid of what’ll come out, but he can’t just go right back to feeling like everything is normal and ok.

[Anonymous]

My DH's explanation for this behavior was his childhood; no one attended to his needs (only child, divorced, uninvolved parents) so he "learned to handle things alone" and therefore needs variable/unlimited time to "process" when we disagreed.

For a while this helped, in that I felt I understood the origin of his behavior. Then, I realized that no matter how much his behavior made sense in light of his upbringing, if he wasn't willing to change the dynamic with me, he was just continuing an unhealthy cycle. Also, while I agree his upbringing is connected this adult behavior, I also believe this about control for him. His pouting ends up dictating the mood and ovearall vibe in the house, as long as he wants it to happen. No matter how cheerfully I ignore his sulking, the house is heavy and tense when he's like this, and it doesn't break until he's ready. I hate it.

I told him I couldn't live like that and we needed to meet in the middle. He may need space after a disagreement, but I need life to continue. Eating dinner in silence, going to bed angry, or waking up and not making eye contact are all examples of what he'd continue to do until he was "ready" to reconnect. It was like being a in prison, waiting it out.

We agreed that I'd give him space, but he couldn't ignore me.

It's not ideal, but it's our current plan. We will see if it improves. I also made a deal with myself that if the old behavior reverts, I'm walking. I'm not afraid to be alone, and peace is worth it. I hope he figures it out, but if not, I'll let go. I told him this, not sure if believes it, but that may be what it comes to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How frequently does he have theses pouting episodes? And, what kinds of things set him off?

I’d say they’re probably twice a month. Most recently, he got upset when I told him I wasn’t feeling well and may have picked up the cold he just recovered from. He told me I needed to start taking emergen-C right away, to which I replied I don’t think that’s going to cure it, you have to be taking it as prevention to boost your immune system. His face immediately dropped and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I was making him feel like it’s all his fault, that he doesn’t know how to be around me, and that he needs time to decompress. I checked in with him later that night and he said he was still upset. So now we’re not speaking.

This is the key here. He feels responsible for everything and the prospect of getting blamed for the bad stuff is overwhelming, so he just needs to shut down. It might be something in your relationship or maybe the way he was raised that makes him feel like this. The stress of a SN child is likely a factor.

There is just a lot of resentment built up and he doesn’t necessarily want a full-blown confrontation because he’s afraid of what’ll come out, but he can’t just go right back to feeling like everything is normal and ok.

Look. If that is a response to a casual exchange over Emergen-C dude may not be cut out for marriage. I mean come on. Life is busy, short and full of curve balls. Requiring people to tiptoe around an issue this small isn't being an adult. And if it's about something bigger, bring it up and offer a solution. I mean damn. This is a fully grown human we're talking about here.

[Anonymous]

Sulks and all that? I mean, have you seen how things are in the world these days? Garbage economy, terribly job market, overpaid athletes and CEOs ruling the roost. Awful political leadership….this timeline sucks so it’s no wonder he sulks