Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

That culture shift has been in slow reverse for the last 10-15 years bc women have on average, but of course not always, stronger preferences to be at home than men do. In the face of that reality a 50/50 assumption seems somewhat paternalistic. Or maternalistic, should we say.

As far the weaponized incompetence stuff, that trope needs to die. Everybody does it, men and women, and both do it in a way that is consistent with enforcing gender roles.

[Anonymous]

Oh just move your stupid book club elsewhere. Are you really going to force him to commute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the woman whose husband took a job that is now requiring the midnight shift?

I think so too.

+1. The answer is live-in help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

Hoo boy. He should go to the office for sure. Yeah -- that's bad. Breadwinner DH would never do that to me.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

He’s not required to WFH, so I say you tell him to suck it up and go to the office. Or you host while he’s there and he copes with what may come from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t (won't) predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t (won't) take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t (won't) say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

Fixed it for you.

My DH and I have a mostly egalitarian marriage, and though I made more sacrifices earlier on my career, I had more growth potential and, indeed, my career has gone further than his and beginning about the time our kids were in middle school, I made more (and then much more) money. The reason I was able to hang onto my career was that on the beginning I did not allow DH to say "can't." When we worked out daycare drop off and pick up and then he wanted to pursue something at work that would have meant he couldn't pick up DC1 at daycare, as we had agreed, I said, "who's going to pick up DC?" And that's all I said. We didn't entertain my making more sacrifices in order to pick up DC, because I didn't allow it to be entertained. You know, just like so many men do.

OP, what you should say to your DH is along the lines of what I said to mine 27 years ago. "What are you going to do?" You do this thing on Friday mornings. Period, end of story. He can work from home or go to the office or go to a coffee shop or whatever he wants. But having you not do your Friday morning thing is not on the table. Don't entertain it. Just gray rock this BS completely. I am thoroughly annoyed on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

OP absolutely do not change a thing.
Your DH can work from home behind a closed door or leave the house.
Not your problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

I am a woman who has been either the sole or primary breadwinner for my entire marriage. On these types of questions, I usually do fall on the side of the worker who brings home more money. But this one seems clearer to me. Friday mornings in the house are yours. He'll need to work from another spot in the house, a third party location, work, or change his WFH day. There are lots of options for him to be productive that doesn't involve you cancelling your event or him working in common space.

Another breadwinner here. Exactly this. He is setting it up so that his preference prevails every time because he is the provider.

You absolutely need to stop this behavior now.

99% of these questions I side with the breadwinner. Not here.

[Anonymous]

DH was breadwinner for almost 20 years. I sacrificed at every turn, even moving and changing fields altogether. He would never have done this to me.

Now Im the primary earner, and I would not do this to him. It's just shitty behavior.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to go work at a work sharing place. There are hubs everywhere at a low rent

I live in a building that offers this complimentary

[Anonymous]

I'm sure there's a bedroon he can work in? Put in a small desk and chair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the specific condition?

I’ve had a long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy, but his new role comes with requirements that conflict with it. When I agreed to the life changes that came with his role, my one condition was that it not interfere with this, and now it has. He’s suggested a workaround, but it’s not ideal for me and isn’t what we originally agreed to. I’m trying to figure out where the line is between being supportive and giving up too much of myself. I don’t want to get too specific because it is very unique.

As someone who did the same for my spouse, but likely without the same monetary rewards as you, I urge you to suck it up. The fact that your husband actually agreed to a condition and now feels bad demonstrates a lot of care for you/about you. I wish I could say I received that much consideration, but at times I definitely did not.

Also, it's likely that things will change over time and you'll be able to get your routine back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

When I look back, I feel grateful for the life we built but also feel some resentment for biological, cultural and logistical barriers which made us follow this path. However, as new and young expats in a new country learning the ropes without any support system, it was also a rational decision.

DP and off-topic for this post, but boy do I ever feel this post in my bones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the woman whose husband took a job that is now requiring the midnight shift?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

I cannot believe you are so upset about this. Move the day. Good grief.