My Eating Disorder is ruining my marriage

[Anonymous]

Amazing you’re alive after 30 years of anorexia. You either kick it or your body shuts down.

How long were you married and how or why were thugs so much better before? You both just ate what exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi. Can you share a little about what regarding meals becomes a battle?

I have a lot of fear foods and food rules so I get really stressed about meal planning. I have a dietician helping me with this but my husband ends up being my accountability which can get tense.

I was the one that asked. I have an ED also. My sponsor is my accountability not my spouse. My spouse learned early in he cannot be my food police, eating police, weight police. It's heartbreaking for him and besides, policing isn't the solution.

That's one set of battles you can eliminate. Do nit use him or any family member for accountability.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP this sounds really hard. I was mostly recovered from ED when I met my husband and have had occasional rounds of low weight living abroad, nursing babies, eating poorly) since. Based on some of the comments he has made about how great I looked, there is just zero understanding there. For me to be that lean I would have to eat one meal a day and I would always be irritable and self loathing. I just don’t want to live like that all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi. Can you share a little about what regarding meals becomes a battle?

I have a lot of fear foods and food rules so I get really stressed about meal planning. I have a dietician helping me with this but my husband ends up being my accountability which can get tense.

I was the one that asked. I have an ED also. My sponsor is my accountability not my spouse. My spouse learned early in he cannot be my food police, eating police, weight police. It's heartbreaking for him and besides, policing isn't the solution.

That's one set of battles you can eliminate. Do nit use him or any family member for accountability.

This. Loved ones being the police of eating is very stressful and relationship is constantly about tough love and never letting the guard down or they will spiral down. I have a loved one with whom we struggle from her tween years, and ED has taken away nearly all her childhood and relationship has always been about policing the eating; couldn't celebrate anything (graduation, etc.) because of ED. It is extremely hard to imagine this frame of reference for those who have not seen how anti-biological the brain is for those suffering this horrible illness.

For those with anorexia who have recovered or are managing to stay afloat, when did you realize that ED is not worth keeping as part of your life? We have seen that therapists are of no use unless the person suffering wants to get out of the throes of the illness. And for those suggesting meds, there are no meds for anorexia. TIA.

[Anonymous]

One does wonder about these husbands like the OPs who married anorexics. Do they truly want their wives to recover? I'm doubtful.

[Anonymous]

So not exactly the same situation but enough similarities that I feel like I can discuss this —

My wife suffers from something similar to chronic fatigue, though not quite that. A few years ago, our marriage was at a breaking point — she was seeing endless doctors trying to find an answer, branching off into more and more unorthodox doctors (some of whom were abusive quacks), spending more and more time in bed, to a point where she was on a medical leave from work, and was generally becoming a shell of herself. I tried to be supportive, but, yes, I will admit — after two years, no answers, watching my wife wither, no sex drive at all — and, I was never really trained to be Florence Nightingale and just generally not well equipped for a caretaker role — I was filled with resentment, anger, etc. And she was in turn angry and resentment of me for being angry and resentment of her. It was a bad cycle …

But ….

She got into a CBT style treatment plan that emphasized and helped her learn to be “functional” with alot of lifestyle modifications. Coming out of that, she started to rebound. She eventually recognized how stressful her job was and she traded it to do something she loves (money is not an issue, I do very well)

Meanwhile on my side of the street — I started to focus more on myself and not letting her illness dictate my happiness. Before, if she was having a bad day, then I would have a bad day. Now, if she is having a bad day, I just go about my day and do not let her medical problems drag me down. At the same time, I also found religion and it completely changed my view on love, service, and relationships. I had not been to church for about 20 years. I went on a random whim one weekend in the spring of 2023 and haven’t missed a Sunday since. I have been inspired by the life that Jesus lead and to serve and not be served. I started to double down on doing a lot of the small things with household chores that I know my wife appreciates. And I did them with a different heart now — instead of grumbling and doing things begrudgingly, I did them as a way to truly reflect my love back to her. I came to a mature recognition that marriages are going to have ups and downs and you don’t just throw in the towel. I also came to realize that my vows on my wedding day were a future promise to my wife, not just empty words briefly said during the ceremony. At my church, I met a community of really wonderful people who have become close friends, including some married couples who have inspired me greatly with their marriages. They have also become my own support network in challenging caregiver days. I also stopped watching porn — yes, I will say that part out loud, my lack of sex with my wife had led to more and more porn usage which was not helping matters at all — feeding unhealthy expectations around sex and intimacy. It was my own way of numbing the pain in my marriage and it had to go too.

In short, we both made a lot of big changes.

That was 3 years ago. Our marriage has never been better than it is now. Things have turned around completely. For sure, there are still bumps in the road — this isn’t perfect by any means. But the general trajectory is all headed in the right direction now.

I will also say that we did all of this under the guidance of a relationship coach who truly helped both of us so much. He wasn’t afraid to confront us, challenge us, and help us grown into becoming better people. I am forever grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi. Can you share a little about what regarding meals becomes a battle?

I have a lot of fear foods and food rules so I get really stressed about meal planning. I have a dietician helping me with this but my husband ends up being my accountability which can get tense.

That sounds pretty impossible to live with long term. You should offer to separate. He has his own needs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One does wonder about these husbands like the OPs who married anorexics. Do they truly want their wives to recover? I'm doubtful.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One does wonder about these husbands like the OPs who married anorexics. Do they truly want their wives to recover? I'm doubtful.

I’ll bite. I think you’re trying to state that the men liked their wives being underweight. My close friend and also a family member have EDs. They had been doing really well when they met their husbands and were normal weights. One friend completely relapsed after giving birth. Their husbands both never ever mention weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP this sounds really hard. I was mostly recovered from ED when I met my husband and have had occasional rounds of low weight living abroad, nursing babies, eating poorly) since. Based on some of the comments he has made about how great I looked, there is just zero understanding there. For me to be that lean I would have to eat one meal a day and I would always be irritable and self loathing. I just don’t want to live like that all the time.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So not exactly the same situation but enough similarities that I feel like I can discuss this —

My wife suffers from something similar to chronic fatigue, though not quite that. A few years ago, our marriage was at a breaking point — she was seeing endless doctors trying to find an answer, branching off into more and more unorthodox doctors (some of whom were abusive quacks), spending more and more time in bed, to a point where she was on a medical leave from work, and was generally becoming a shell of herself. I tried to be supportive, but, yes, I will admit — after two years, no answers, watching my wife wither, no sex drive at all — and, I was never really trained to be Florence Nightingale and just generally not well equipped for a caretaker role — I was filled with resentment, anger, etc. And she was in turn angry and resentment of me for being angry and resentment of her. It was a bad cycle …

But ….

She got into a CBT style treatment plan that emphasized and helped her learn to be “functional” with alot of lifestyle modifications. Coming out of that, she started to rebound. She eventually recognized how stressful her job was and she traded it to do something she loves (money is not an issue, I do very well)

Meanwhile on my side of the street — I started to focus more on myself and not letting her illness dictate my happiness. Before, if she was having a bad day, then I would have a bad day. Now, if she is having a bad day, I just go about my day and do not let her medical problems drag me down. At the same time, I also found religion and it completely changed my view on love, service, and relationships. I had not been to church for about 20 years. I went on a random whim one weekend in the spring of 2023 and haven’t missed a Sunday since. I have been inspired by the life that Jesus lead and to serve and not be served. I started to double down on doing a lot of the small things with household chores that I know my wife appreciates. And I did them with a different heart now — instead of grumbling and doing things begrudgingly, I did them as a way to truly reflect my love back to her. I came to a mature recognition that marriages are going to have ups and downs and you don’t just throw in the towel. I also came to realize that my vows on my wedding day were a future promise to my wife, not just empty words briefly said during the ceremony. At my church, I met a community of really wonderful people who have become close friends, including some married couples who have inspired me greatly with their marriages. They have also become my own support network in challenging caregiver days. I also stopped watching porn — yes, I will say that part out loud, my lack of sex with my wife had led to more and more porn usage which was not helping matters at all — feeding unhealthy expectations around sex and intimacy. It was my own way of numbing the pain in my marriage and it had to go too.

In short, we both made a lot of big changes.

That was 3 years ago. Our marriage has never been better than it is now. Things have turned around completely. For sure, there are still bumps in the road — this isn’t perfect by any means. But the general trajectory is all headed in the right direction now.

I will also say that we did all of this under the guidance of a relationship coach who truly helped both of us so much. He wasn’t afraid to confront us, challenge us, and help us grown into becoming better people. I am forever grateful.

This is lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow are you my sister? I just visited my sis and brother-in-law (of 40+ years) they are going through the same thing. My sis has always had issues surrounding food but at 70 years old, they are both at wits end!

He (and I) believe it's long-untreated depression stemming from a difficult childhood. She was bulimic as a child and since then it's been diets, exercises, supplements, gurus, treatments, and a few visits to the ER when she over-does it.

If you speak with him, he is ready to travel, meet new people, go out and socialize. However ALL she can talk about is her health issues and the latest supplements she's discovered.

and Despite it all she rarely has the energy to get out of the house. Her latest panacea: a device that adds a hydrogen molecule to your drinking water. Also a water distiller, a million supplements, earthing sheets, light therapies, crystals, baking soda, and that bleach solution thing that Trump was touting as a cure for Covid- yeah, she takes that. Also DMSO! Yes!

She feels she's right on track to health and healing! It's just around the corner! Every new supplement, treatment, even minor surgery! is the final key to wellness. And if you don't believe her and buy into all of it completely - there's nothing to talk about. All convo leads back to her latest health discovery. Her diet is so severely restricted it's insane, which completely excludes her from any socializing or traveling.

I'm glad I saw her and spent time with her but wow, i'm still recovering and I feel bad for them. He doesn't know what to do -they've been together their entire lives and he's afraid she'll end up very weak and ill.

He needs to go out and live his life and she can do whatever she wants. If she ends up “weak and ill” she goes to the ER. After 70, what’s the worst that can happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One does wonder about these husbands like the OPs who married anorexics. Do they truly want their wives to recover? I'm doubtful.

I think they are just clueless, have no idea what they’re getting into. A lot of it sounds too absurd so they think it’s nonsense. Like, “fear foods”. It’s just incomprehensible for a layperson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This to me feels very analogous to alcoholism. Both are mental health disorders, essentially addictions or compulsions, and both can have devastating impacts on marriages. I'm not sure a spouse is required to stick this one out, any more than they are required to stick with an alcoholic.

Yep same thing. Mental illness is being normalized now but I don’t agree with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who’s raising the kids?

I doubt there are kids