Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

Man, what an idiot.
Sounds like a 7 yo’s cope: hide all the messes and To Do’s in the closet, shut the door and don’t say a peep.

Ugh. lol, not lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more effective to have purviews -- you shouldn't require two people to notice everything. For example, on person should be on kids clothes. One should be on bill paying. Both of you manage your own cars and laundry. Some things will be joint tag-teaming -- for us it's grocery shopping and cooking.

Sorry but seeing damage in your own house or something dangerous is simple adulting and normal judgement.

If your spouse is such a bozo they can’t even identify something that needs doing, then absolutely cut bait. ID it, call the right repair person or doctor or take care of it. Dont ignore it.

Same at work. Nothing is worse for retention of A Level players than have to manage and coddle a deadweight who brings dysfunction, disruption and delay.

Same as what that thomas the train boss says. Confusion and delay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I don’t think it’s just having ADHD. It’s having ADHD, not being willing to admit it, and being scared of your wife.
My husband has ADHD. He knows his limitations and appreciates that I do things that he can’t. He also isn’t scared to tell me if he didn’t do the laundry for four weeks while I was sick and he was managing the house/kids. He would do what he could, tell me that he missed me so much, and be so grateful when I called a wash and fold place that does pickups.

He also wouldn’t tolerate me being in a blind rage about him having a box of his own belongings in the attic. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are grown so our family is beyond the difficult years you are experiencing, OP. And they are really difficult when yoh don't have help.

Since I have a hoarder sister, my belief is it's pretty much impossible to make anyone take responsibility for cleaning and organizing life.

You can teach and require kids do chores, and if you raise them in an organized and pleasant environment maybe they will choose to replicate that environment as adults. But maybe not. Parents don't really have all that much control over the outcome and adults can't really force other adults to do much, if anything.

I have always been the one who keeps our home clean and our lives organized. But only because it's important to me to live that way. My philosophy is many tasks can be done in the length of time it takes to get someone else to do it, if they aren't already just doing it automatically. When I needed family help, I asked, could you please do so and so? And then the person did it, and then i said, thank you. And yes, I do all the bookkeeping, finances, calendar.

That worked for me. FWIW Good luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I don’t think it’s just having ADHD. It’s having ADHD, not being willing to admit it, and being scared of your wife.
My husband has ADHD. He knows his limitations and appreciates that I do things that he can’t. He also isn’t scared to tell me if he didn’t do the laundry for four weeks while I was sick and he was managing the house/kids. He would do what he could, tell me that he missed me so much, and be so grateful when I called a wash and fold place that does pickups.

He also wouldn’t tolerate me being in a blind rage about him having a box of his own belongings in the attic. Relax.

Is this a troll post? Why didn’t he call a wash and fold place while you were sick??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, or maybe DH is really just self-involved and willfully ignorant, but for whatever reason, I'm the only one who notices things that need to be fixed, cleaned, signed, paid for, dumped out, you name it, I'm always the first one to find the mess or realize the kids need something addressed before a situation gets ugly.

If there's moldly food in fridge, I'm the one who has to discover it and throw it out. If there's spilled juice on the floor, I'm the one who notices it and wipes it up. If the bathroom sink is clogged, I'm the one who notices it and has to ask him to fix it. If our kid needs new shoes because they have holes or they're too small and he's complaining, I'm the one who notices and takes him shopping unless I tell DH to take him shopping for new shoes. If there's trash on our front lawn, I'm the one who notices it and picks it up and throws it out (I experimented once and did not remove a large, very obvious piece of trash in one of our shrubs for a week; DH walked by it every day and didn't pull it out, shocker). I could go on and on. But if there is something that only he cares about that specifically involves him? Then he notices and does something about it because it bothers HIM.

It's exhausting. I feel like we'd have ants and roaches and social services at our door half the time if I weren't constantly coming up from behind. I've tried to nicely urge him to notice the living situation around him and help out. He insists he'll "get to it" but never does. I'm at my wit's end.

Yes, you are exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At your wits end ~ does he make more money than you? You accept the imbalance. In some things, only the things that are actually important to you. He forget/doesn't pay attention to: his clothes, what he has available to eat, his things -- that's on him.

For one year, I was spent. Had zero energy for any more holiday prep. Gave the family notice, plenty of notice -- there won't be a Christmas tree this year unless you do it. Without me. For some reason the tree was a major stressor (for me). They believed me. And did it all.

I remember doing this one. End result was there was no tree and no holiday prep at all. Helped me to realize that no one cared about this stuff enough to do it, so we no longer do any of it. It’s much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I don’t think it’s just having ADHD. It’s having ADHD, not being willing to admit it, and being scared of your wife.
My husband has ADHD. He knows his limitations and appreciates that I do things that he can’t. He also isn’t scared to tell me if he didn’t do the laundry for four weeks while I was sick and he was managing the house/kids. He would do what he could, tell me that he missed me so much, and be so grateful when I called a wash and fold place that does pickups.

He also wouldn’t tolerate me being in a blind rage about him having a box of his own belongings in the attic. Relax.

Is this a troll post? Why didn’t he call a wash and fold place while you were sick??

I wasn’t sick. I was referring to another post where a man didn’t do the laundry while she was sick.
I don’t know why either of them didn’t call a wash and fold place. It seems insane to me. Apparently, they would prefer to divorce.

[Anonymous]

I mean, welcome to being a woman? Didn't you realize that this is how it goes when you were like 16?

[Anonymous]

I didn't even want the divorce. I thought I was happy. But then my husband of 20 years ran out on me and whoo boy, I cannot tell you how much less stress I have.

Meanwhile it's been pretty entertaining watching him fail to adult in all sorts of scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At your wits end ~ does he make more money than you? You accept the imbalance. In some things, only the things that are actually important to you. He forget/doesn't pay attention to: his clothes, what he has available to eat, his things -- that's on him.

For one year, I was spent. Had zero energy for any more holiday prep. Gave the family notice, plenty of notice -- there won't be a Christmas tree this year unless you do it. Without me. For some reason the tree was a major stressor (for me). They believed me. And did it all.

I remember doing this one. End result was there was no tree and no holiday prep at all. Helped me to realize that no one cared about this stuff enough to do it, so we no longer do any of it. It’s much easier.

We didn’t have Thanksgiving last year because mine insisted I should relax and he could handle it and I was being ridiculous by insisting we needed to make a list by the Saturday before, then the Sunday before, then Tuesday night…you see where this is going And then it evolved into him deciding there would be some kind of alternative anti-Thanksgiving meal and he’d order a pizza. And then the day of he realized no pizza place by us was open, so he reheated chili from the freezer and a small frozen pizza and the kids all went to their rooms to read because it was so sad they didn’t even want to watch a movie.

[Anonymous]

He’s a dud. And his mother knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't even want the divorce. I thought I was happy. But then my husband of 20 years ran out on me and whoo boy, I cannot tell you how much less stress I have.

Meanwhile it's been pretty entertaining watching him fail to adult in all sorts of scenarios.

Same. 12 years here. I still have kids at home, though, so some of the failures are really stressful and/or hurt their feelings.

[Anonymous]

It's about priorities.
Your priorities are not his priorities and vice versa.