What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send the save the date asap and you are fine. I think I have received save the dates up to 9 months in advance- 7 isn't terrible. Your daughter has a very good reason for getting married this summer and her family should be thrilled for her. I can't imagine your child who lives overseas would expect the wedding to be planned around when they last traveled here.

Agree with this.

I think wedding dates only need to be set around the nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wedding industry has gone off the rails if people think 7 months is insufficient notice. I honestly can’t understand why a couple would get engaged and want to wait 18 months to get married. That’s what would be nuts.

Eh I don't think it's uncommon among younger people who aren't in a hurry. e.g. my cousin got engaged a year ago and their wedding is next summer- but both cousin and fiance are teachers and wanted it in our hometown so it narrowed their options. Anyway I don't think 6-7 months is nuts either but plenty of people have longer engagements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 45yo does not need a shower!

No one "needs" a shower. But if the bride wants one and someone wants to throw one for her, why not? It's a nice thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are in their 40s and want kids and aren't trying until aftr they are married, they need to get married ASAP. I don't know how far into their 40s, your DD is but fertility only heads in one direction as you age.

You seem to be focused on all the wrong things - them getting married is far more important than the venue or other material things. It isn't their resonsiblity to plan their wedding around their siblings international vacation schedule. And if people can't come because they can't make travel plans in 6 months, then they can't come but most people can arrange travel in that amount of time.

Showers are a bit passe - especially for 40 year olds. Showers were about making sure young adults who were about to get married had the basics to live independently. She and her partner probably will have too much stuff together vs not enough.

You don't get a say. Your priorities for this wedding are completely different than your daughters.

She's 45 so I recognize time is of the essence. Maybe she won't want a shower, they cohabitate and have a lot of stuff, but we had a shower for other DD and DIL so it only seems fair. Showers are always well attended by the aunts and cousins and lots of fun. I don't want to deny her that because she's older when getting married.

My other DC isn't going on an international vacaction, they are in the military. I'm nervous they won't be able to come or won't be able to bring their kids. But whoever said I need to let DD handle the communication has a good point.

They could just go to the courthouse and start trying tomorrow? At 45 I wouldn't wait even 7 months but YMMV.

I'd say plan the wedding for 7 months from now but start trying to get pregnant TODAY. Nobody is going to think it is super scandalous if a 45 year old is pregnant at her wedding. And there is a good chance she won't be (yet?) anyway.

[Anonymous]

First, wait for your daughter and her fiance to decide on a date. Then help call family and let them know the plan.

Take the money you would spend on a big wedding and give it to the couple to use for fertility treatments. They will need it. Reserve some money to pay for your overseas child’s tickets home. They will appreciate it.

If you really are caught up in the idea of a bridal shower (which you, as MOB should not host anyway), offer to host a “ladies’ tea” or similar party the Thursday before the wedding. No gifts, just a chance to get together with girlfriends, aunts, etc. for celebration and good wishes. (Make sure you send these invites early, before people make travel plans.)

[Anonymous]

Saying that you think you should have a say in the planning because you are contributing to the event is a huge red flag. Don’t start this. Everyone will end up hating you. It’s not your day.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read any responses.

6+ months is plenty of notice.

We got engaged in March, selected date and venue in the Spring (finalized in May) and married in October. No one gave us hard time about that timeline. We had all the advance shower/celebration stuff we wanted. I was 42, husband was 37.

You are out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.

I am sure OP's daughter is aware.

Anyone getting married at 45 and planning a "big summer wedding" is exhibiting some signs of divorce from reality.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 45yo does not need a shower!

No one "needs" a shower. But if the bride wants one and someone wants to throw one for her, why not? It's a nice thing to do.

Bridal shower for a 45 year old is crass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, wait for your daughter and her fiance to decide on a date. Then help call family and let them know the plan.

Take the money you would spend on a big wedding and give it to the couple to use for fertility treatments. They will need it. Reserve some money to pay for your overseas child’s tickets home. They will appreciate it.

If you really are caught up in the idea of a bridal shower (which you, as MOB should not host anyway), offer to host a “ladies’ tea” or similar party the Thursday before the wedding. No gifts, just a chance to get together with girlfriends, aunts, etc. for celebration and good wishes. (Make sure you send these invites early, before people make travel plans.)

Are you really saying, give the bride less money because her sibling lives overseas? Or are you saying, separately, fly the sibling in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are in their 40s and want kids and aren't trying until aftr they are married, they need to get married ASAP. I don't know how far into their 40s, your DD is but fertility only heads in one direction as you age.

You seem to be focused on all the wrong things - them getting married is far more important than the venue or other material things. It isn't their resonsiblity to plan their wedding around their siblings international vacation schedule. And if people can't come because they can't make travel plans in 6 months, then they can't come but most people can arrange travel in that amount of time.

Showers are a bit passe - especially for 40 year olds. Showers were about making sure young adults who were about to get married had the basics to live independently. She and her partner probably will have too much stuff together vs not enough.

You don't get a say. Your priorities for this wedding are completely different than your daughters.

This. I get that you’re happy and excited for your DD, but you’re focusing on all the wrong things. Also given her age, I’d say give her space, you are assuming too many planning responsibilities. If your daughter is ok with it, that is great, but don’t push your timelines on her. 6 months is plenty and if not everyone makes it, that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

That's plenty of time.

If your family is all spread out I would not count on people travelling multiple times for bridal showers, bachelorette parties and a wedding though. So keep expectations in line for those additional events. IMO the wedding is the event, so expect people to prioritze that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I could have kept this more general, but the question specifically relates to notice for close family members expected to participate/attend. I have 3 DCs. Two are already married with kids, the third just got engaged. We are beyond thrilled. DD wants a big summer wedding and I assumed it would be summer 2027 because many of the venues book up early. But they are in their 40s and want to try for kids and found a venue for a weekend in June 2026. The issue is that many of our family members need to travel in for the wedding, and it's not much notice to me. One of my other DCs actually lives overseas with their family right now and they were just back this past summer for another family event, I'm dreading telling them because I know they were not planning to come back again next summer. My sister (DD's godmother) is scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in the spring which could hinder her attendance.

I'm not sure how we can fit in a shower between now and then either, because people will need to travel for that as well.....

Obviously they are adults and can do what they want but I expect to contribute a small amount, roughly what I gave my other DCs, does that give me any say in the planning?

7 months is plenty of lead time on a wedding. Your engaged DC can tell the others- it's that DC's news not yours to tell. It is incredibly interfering to tell any couple when to have a wedding based on family members and travel. Delay it a year? And one reason is an aunt getting knee surgery? You get NO say in planning - we paid for a wedding, helped on logistics, couple made all decisions. Showers? Who's hosting? Invites go out and people don't need to travel if it's not convenient.