Christmas gifts vent

[Anonymous]

Say no.

I do not solicit gifts for my kids. If asked I will provide a short list of things I think my kids might like based on current preferences, but none of the stuff I intend to buy them is on that list. And I do not participate in adult gift exchanges with extended family. Just as a rule. I do not want gifts, I don't send them. I send cards with meaningful hand-written notes. Gifts are also not me "love language" and thus I do not get drawn into elaborate gift rituals with other people. They are welcome to exchange gifts amongst themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The annual "what should we send the kids" texts have started from the 10 or so family members who send stuff to my kids every year. Gifts just aren't my "love language" and I dread the effort of researching and figuring out what my kids might want, and then passing along the suggestions along to the relatives. By the time we get around to our gifts for the kids, I am totally out of ideas. (Kids are 4 and 5 and don't really want anything- they have so much stuff).

This year my mom is also suggesting that the adults need to start exchanging bc it's important for the kids to see us " gifting" each other. My dad never bought her many gifts and I think she is sour about it and projecting on us, so I am trying to be kind, but honestly I am already over Christmas and it's not even December. Can anyone else relate? I am so sick of the holidays centering on gifts.

Push back on your mother. Surely it's better for the kids to see you're not materialistic.

Hopefully you’re already getting your mother a gift from you and gifts from your kids. It’s not materialistic to exchange gifts as long as people don’t overextend their budget.

OP here- no, my mother doesn't buy the adults gifts and we don't buy her gifts. She asked us multiple times over several years to stop buying gifts for her bc she had downsized and was feeling overwhelmed by her stuff. This year she wants to change that request.

My mom has also downsized and so we really try hard to find her something that doesn’t take up space. Airline tickets to visit us, an Apple Watch that will alert us if she falls, new automated blinds because she had trouble with the pull mechanism on her old ones and so was just sitting in the dark, a voice activated TV remote, etc. we usually all go in on one or two things. I get feeling sort of forgotten on the holidays since no one ever buys me anything really — it would be nice to figure out something you could get her that would make her life easier or nicer, even if it’s just a nice box of tea and cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. One of my kids has a December birthday too so it's even harder to come up with enough ideas for everyone! And my mom has a very specific formula of how she likes to give- a book, some clothes, a christmas ornament, and something else for <$20. Except, I'm expected to supply her with ideas for each of these things, or scroll through the dozens of links she sends me. For the "something else", if I tell her to get DD something crafty, like glitter markers or wasabi tape, etc., there will then be five follow up texts requesting links to specific craft kits. Gah! Like just go to Target or Michaels and pick something out! It's exhasusting.

At least with the adults we've really pared things back, both on my side and DH's.

This is not about the gifts. This is about your mom being lonely and bored. Is it any better if you reframe it in your mind to think of this as time you are putting in to help amuse your mom, rather than time you are putting in to buy crap your kids don’t really need? It helps me to think of it that way. Like taking her on a long outing to Costco — yes, I could do it more efficiently but it is a way for her to have something to do. I will likely be just as bored and lonely in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experiences are always great, and can be renewed each year!

Membership to a local zoo, aquarium, indoor playground, etc.

A paint your own pottery place.

Gift card to the movies.

+1
Pay for Larla's dance lessons
Pay for Larlo's tennis lessons

Only issue is you need to send a photo once in a while of progress if the grandparents live far away and can't easily see recitals, matches, games, belt tests, swim meets, etc.

Something actually useful? Don't be ridiculous! Grandma wants to buy something they can unwrap. Make sure it costs less than $30 and they better be jumping for joy when they open it.

This. It's a nice idea to suggest experience gifts, and I made the suggestion many times over the years for my now teenagers, but there is no way anyone in my family would ever go for it. It **had** to be something tangible no matter how useless and disposable. This year we (as in just nuclear family) are actually going on vacation OVER Christmas for the first time ever, which I'm thrilled about, partly in an attempt to actually make Christmas itself be more about experiences and less about gifts.

The problem with experience gifts is that they are generally expensive — eg tickets to a show, museum membership etc. it’s not in the same category as buying a copy of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

If you added up the endless plastic trinkets grandparents bought my kids this year alone I guarantee the total would eclipse a $200 zoo membership.

[Anonymous]

This makes me crazy. I have a hard enough time coming up with things to get my own kids (who have everything) for Christmas and their birthdays, and then I have both sets of grandparents asking what to get them. I'm typically just not very helpful (not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm just busy and genuinely don't have any good ideas) - maybe eventually they'll stop asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a generational thing. I would have to explain over and over that we were not in the habit of waiting until Christmas and birthdays to treat the kids to toys, books, clothes, etc. Mine wanted for nothing, and the avalanche of stuff was overwhelming.

We live in an apartment, so it's not like I had a garage, basement, or attic to store things that no one asked for and weren't interested in. At some point, I told the grandparents that any gift larger than a shoebox was getting donated.

This comment, and this thread in general, has me curious HOW MANY gifts do you actually receive for your kids each year?

Every holiday, each our parents sends our kids a gift. Usually worth $100-$200. They’re teens now so they often get cash. We have 2 sets of aunts/uncles we exchange with. So they get a gift from each. Under $50.

That’s a total of 3 gifts so clearly not overwhelming. When my family asks what the kids want, I think it’s lovely.

We don’t have anyone pushy in our families, and we don’t have to fend off aggressive grandparents …maybe that’s the difference.

OP here-

My kids get gifts from 7 different relatives each Christmas and birthday, and the boxes of gifts from each relative include multiple things.

[Anonymous]

^^ and each of the 7 relatives asks me for specific ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a big family. I don’t think this is hard. Books are really the answer. They take up no space, are easily registrable or donatable if you already have it, and you can really never have too many. Plus kids that age love everything! (Teens are hard.).
I’d just say “Thanks for thinking sf is! Any books are really great. Otherwise, they really love (pick 1-2 things, like Lego sets or Nats/Caps gear, or comfy play dresses for school or whatever.).”

We don’t really do adult presents in my family but I feel like it’s pretty easy to get a box of chocolate or a bottle of wine or get everyone stasher bags or something practical llle that. Since this is your mom’s issue I’d get her something like a cashmere scarf or gloves and call it a day.

I find it hard to believe you have a “big family” and aren’t overwhelmed by the gifts. I do and it just multiplies with so many people! It’s so overwhelming. And books aren’t the answer - because grandparents don’t find them “special enough” and because we are all kindle readers ages 12+.
I wish all gift giving would just end.

[Anonymous]

4 and 5 is old enough to just have grandparents ask them what they want over a video call. If they say they don't know, fine. It's zero effort on your part.

[Anonymous]

My kids never have more than a few things on their wish list and I used to give those ideas to other relatives but now I save those for DH and I. Instead, I come up with other ideas that I glean from recommendations online. Games, books, puzzles, crafts/science kits, clothing, room decor, gift cards, and consumables. That makes for lots of fun surprises.

[Anonymous]

Change things. Christmas is not supposed to be about gifts anyway. Make it about family and good memories. See if you can get others on board with more boundaries with gifts or just post a list on Amazon, give the link and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I love reading these suggestions (thank you Nanny poster!) and hearing that others find this a little bit irritating too. I can relate to being asked to supply every single idea and feeling pressured for it to be a "good" one bc the grandparents get disappointed if the kids aren't over the moon. One year I was also asked to wrap other people's gifts after researching and finding everything but I must have been visibly sour about it because that hasn't happened since haha.

Thanks to everyone who comisserated with my light-hearted early holiday gripe. I will pay it forward in this board in December.

OP, FOR SURE - keep 2 of the best ideas for YOU and your partner to give to your children. Grandparents get to give things, but parents might want to give the big thing, or the special thing, so don't share that with them! So a special dress, a camera, a special necklace now that your child is XX years old... that is all for YOU to give, so keep that a secret from the grandparents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids never have more than a few things on their wish list and I used to give those ideas to other relatives but now I save those for DH and I. Instead, I come up with other ideas that I glean from recommendations online. Games, books, puzzles, crafts/science kits, clothing, room decor, gift cards, and consumables. That makes for lots of fun surprises.

These are what I recommend to but my sons are just polite about this stuff. They're not jumping for joy the way the grandparents want.
My mom asked "what would be the absolute best present ever?" and my kids said
-my own smartphone (lol)
-our own, real swimming pool
-a kid sized cyber truck
-new gaming console
And so on, nothing that my mother can go pick up at Walmart! Of course they love presents but my mom is hoping for a screaming reaction like when I got my American girl doll in 1994. And God forbid the other grandma gives a better gift. The world will end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. One of my kids has a December birthday too so it's even harder to come up with enough ideas for everyone! And my mom has a very specific formula of how she likes to give- a book, some clothes, a christmas ornament, and something else for <$20. Except, I'm expected to supply her with ideas for each of these things, or scroll through the dozens of links she sends me. For the "something else", if I tell her to get DD something crafty, like glitter markers or wasabi tape, etc., there will then be five follow up texts requesting links to specific craft kits. Gah! Like just go to Target or Michaels and pick something out! It's exhasusting.

At least with the adults we've really pared things back, both on my side and DH's.

This is not about the gifts. This is about your mom being lonely and bored. Is it any better if you reframe it in your mind to think of this as time you are putting in to help amuse your mom, rather than time you are putting in to buy crap your kids don’t really need? It helps me to think of it that way. Like taking her on a long outing to Costco — yes, I could do it more efficiently but it is a way for her to have something to do. I will likely be just as bored and lonely in 30 years.

Not the person you are responding too, but it is not her responsibility to add stress to her already overloaded life to help someone bored and lonely. She can do volunteer work, play cards, go for walks, help with the grandkids, read books, make sandwiches for the homeless to deal with loneliness and boredom without adding more to someone else's to-do list. It should not be all about gifts. How about giving her grandchildren the gift of taking them out on a fun adventure, just grandma and the kids? How about baking with them or doing a science experiment or craft with them? Let go of the rigidity that it's all about spending large amounts of money on landfill trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 and 5 is old enough to just have grandparents ask them what they want over a video call. If they say they don't know, fine. It's zero effort on your part.

It might be something the parents already got and then it goes in the closet to regift or gets returned. Maybe focus on special time with the grandkids as the gift. Bonus points for planning something where the parents get a break.