Kid's friend's parents lied to her that we're "too busy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, sometimes my kid asks me for a playdate on the weekend when we end up with a pocket of time - but she asks me during the pocket of time. I might be comfortable texting some people for a play date in 5 minutes but not many - so I might say something like they are probably busy, in order to redirect the child. This is because I know it’s rude to give people no notice of plans and she doesn’t. It could be this simple.

My kid does this too. It's not her fault, kids don't know about planning ahead. But yeah, we have a handful of families we can text with know notice with "want to go to the park?" But if it's a family I don't know we'll, or who we only see with more formal plans, I would not invite in that situation. I might even say "it's too last minute to ask, let's plan ahead next time so we can make sure they aren't busy" and a 5 yr old might interpret that as "they're busy."

If your kid is requesting to play with a specific kid, why not text them with no notice to go to the park? The worst that can happen is they say no.
I know the answer, because you prefer to spend time with "families you know well."

Uh yes I do prefer to spend time with people I know well. Don't you? Sometimes I'm in the mood to make the extra effort to get to know a new family and sometimes I don't. I assume other families are the same.

I am not always in the mood to cold text some mom I don't know. So sue me.

It just seems like it's not enough if our kids like each other or even if we like each other. Our husbands have to be bro-ing it up together too. Otherwise forget about your kids ever getting together with friends. "We choose to meet families we know well at the park."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely host play dates. I already have zero free time between work and kids’ activities. By the weekends, I have nothing left. Having noisy kids over to tear the house apart puts me over the edge. And, when we have time to spare, we are at our second home.

Most DCUM response ever.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

+1

I have plenty of parent friends who can handle being honest with their kids. My friends would never expect me (really my kids) to do their dirty work of disappointing their kid by saying my kid is always being too busy to come over because they don’t want to host a playdate. I find it so gross that apparently this is something that people are doing routinely. What is wrong with you all?

If the kid misunderstood, I don’t see the problem in setting them straight, how is that even a consideration?

You’re absolutely right. The people defending Liar Mom are the ones telling their kids to behave in the grocery store or the store clerk will call the manager/cops on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off. Tell your kid no if you have to but don’t make up lies about what I supposedly said.

Riight- why lie? It sets a bad example for the kid. My DC's bestie has a birthday around the same time as DC and I reached out to the mom, who I'm friendly with, to see if they wanted to do a joint party. She immediately said yes, was super enthusiastic and then after I booked the venue we decided on together, she told DH at their soccer game that Larlo didn't want a party anymore so they were out. Never messaged me directly or anything. Meanwhile Larlo tells my DC that he never said that and that he wanted a party. So weird- they're taking a big trip soon after so maybe just don't wat to spend the money or whatever, but just be honest and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

My kids love our dogs and are happy, have many friends, and are ridiculously well adjusted. It sucks that you are so closed minded and can’t MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

x 1000 I grew up in a house like this with poorly behaved dogs and it sucked.

But they are rescued badly behaved dogs, i guess we need to give grace to bad manners?

The obvious answer is to just let dogs die at shelters. Are you all sociopaths? What sucks is having a parent who is hoarder or too depressed to make social plans or a parent who refuses to care about their community or their environment or who can’t show empathy to other living creatures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a little girl that's friendly with my daughter at school. They're both in Kindergarten, and aftercare together. She's a sweet kid, and we've had her over to play several times. They went to the same preschool. The kids play well together, and the mom usually hangs out, I like her, too.

We've never been to their house, which is fine, but every time I see this kid at aftercare, she talks about how she really wants my daughter to come to her house, and how she has a big dollhouse, even bigger than my daughter's, and she wants to show her. And every time I say, "we'd love to, Larla! Just have your mom text me!" - we've had this exchange probably 5-6 times this school year, with no invite from mom. Again, fine, lots of parents don't host for a variety of reasons, I have no complaints about that.

Well, the last time I saw her, and we did our back and forth, and she said "last weekend mom said you guys were too busy to come and play."

Now, maybe the kid made that up. But it seems more likely that mom is fibbing to get Larla off her back. On one hand, I get that. Especially if the reasons they don't want us over are complex or grownup-y reasons, the temptation to fib to get your kid to drop it is understandable. But it really, really bothered me. This is a sweet kid, and I don't want her to think we're too busy for her! I don't get the feeling she has a lot of friends at school. Maybe I'm over reacting - my parenting style (um, and also kinda life style?) is to give the whole truth, so that probably contributes to my feeling about this.

I was thinking of inviting them over again soon - would you say something to the mom? What would you say? I don't want to overstep, but I really dislike that she's making us out to be the bad guys to her kid.

Your problem is that you are making it about yourself.

My 2 cents - keep inviting the kid over, and also suggest the parent/kid to meet up at a park or other public location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

x 1000 I grew up in a house like this with poorly behaved dogs and it sucked.

But they are rescued badly behaved dogs, i guess we need to give grace to bad manners?

The obvious answer is to just let dogs die at shelters. Are you all sociopaths? What sucks is having a parent who is hoarder or too depressed to make social plans or a parent who refuses to care about their community or their environment or who can’t show empathy to other living creatures.

+1. No one needs your grace you crazy narcissist. Keep it for yourself and spare us pls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't host many playdates. DH has OCD (diagnosed, not social media OCD) and it's very stressful to have additional kids in the house. I hate this, I've fought it, I know it's damaging to our kids, but it's what it is. It's more trouble than it's worth so we do meetups, outings, DH is happy to take kids to sporting events etc. and it's fine and fun in those cases.

I know I could easily be the other mom in this situation because sometimes I have to plead out of it with my kids, especially when they were little. I guess you never know.

Ok, but don’t make the other parents look like the a-holes. Figure out a way to put it on yourselves even if you don’t want to out your dh’s disability. It’s one thing to lie and say I can’t take you to the ice cream shop because it’s closed and another to lie and say “Karla’s
Parents just can’t make time for you”

I don't necessarily disagree with your instinct, but it's pretty self-centered to think this way -- not to mention lacks some imagination to think there may be reasons tey need to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a little girl that's friendly with my daughter at school. They're both in Kindergarten, and aftercare together. She's a sweet kid, and we've had her over to play several times. They went to the same preschool. The kids play well together, and the mom usually hangs out, I like her, too.

We've never been to their house, which is fine, but every time I see this kid at aftercare, she talks about how she really wants my daughter to come to her house, and how she has a big dollhouse, even bigger than my daughter's, and she wants to show her. And every time I say, "we'd love to, Larla! Just have your mom text me!" - we've had this exchange probably 5-6 times this school year, with no invite from mom. Again, fine, lots of parents don't host for a variety of reasons, I have no complaints about that.

Well, the last time I saw her, and we did our back and forth, and she said "last weekend mom said you guys were too busy to come and play."

Now, maybe the kid made that up. But it seems more likely that mom is fibbing to get Larla off her back. On one hand, I get that. Especially if the reasons they don't want us over are complex or grownup-y reasons, the temptation to fib to get your kid to drop it is understandable. But it really, really bothered me. This is a sweet kid, and I don't want her to think we're too busy for her! I don't get the feeling she has a lot of friends at school. Maybe I'm over reacting - my parenting style (um, and also kinda life style?) is to give the whole truth, so that probably contributes to my feeling about this.

I was thinking of inviting them over again soon - would you say something to the mom? What would you say? I don't want to overstep, but I really dislike that she's making us out to be the bad guys to her kid.

Your problem is that you are making it about yourself.

My 2 cents - keep inviting the kid over, and also suggest the parent/kid to meet up at a park or other public location.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. There’s this idea some parents have that kids can be "separated" from their families and, as long as the kids want to be friends, they should be allowed to do so. But that doesn’t work, and honestly, it shouldn’t. My child and another one wanted to be friends for years, but over time, things shifted. The other mom had a toxic view of the world that didn’t become apparent until her daughter had already absorbed it. Eventually, my child no longer wanted to be friends—and that was a good thing. It’s an important skill to learn how to resist the urge to always give in to every friendship impulse and to be discerning about who you choose to spend time with. A friend who isn’t available, even if it’s not her fault, just isn’t good relationship material.

When kids are younger, one play date is all it takes to be “best friends,” and it can be with anyone. Some parents resist directing this, feeling like it’s “engineering” the friendships. But when parents are friends with each other, kids pick up on the values they see modeled. So, when your kids are young, it's okay to help guide them toward good friendships. As they grow older, they can start figuring out their own paths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. There’s this idea some parents have that kids can be "separated" from their families and, as long as the kids want to be friends, they should be allowed to do so. But that doesn’t work, and honestly, it shouldn’t. My child and another one wanted to be friends for years, but over time, things shifted. The other mom had a toxic view of the world that didn’t become apparent until her daughter had already absorbed it. Eventually, my child no longer wanted to be friends—and that was a good thing. It’s an important skill to learn how to resist the urge to always give in to every friendship impulse and to be discerning about who you choose to spend time with. A friend who isn’t available, even if it’s not her fault, just isn’t good relationship material.

When kids are younger, one play date is all it takes to be “best friends,” and it can be with anyone. Some parents resist directing this, feeling like it’s “engineering” the friendships. But when parents are friends with each other, kids pick up on the values they see modeled. So, when your kids are young, it's okay to help guide them toward good friendships. As they grow older, they can start figuring out their own paths.

Someday this child will also make white lies, and you will be glad that child is not friends with yours—because they go so against your values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. There’s this idea some parents have that kids can be "separated" from their families and, as long as the kids want to be friends, they should be allowed to do so. But that doesn’t work, and honestly, it shouldn’t. My child and another one wanted to be friends for years, but over time, things shifted. The other mom had a toxic view of the world that didn’t become apparent until her daughter had already absorbed it. Eventually, my child no longer wanted to be friends—and that was a good thing. It’s an important skill to learn how to resist the urge to always give in to every friendship impulse and to be discerning about who you choose to spend time with. A friend who isn’t available, even if it’s not her fault, just isn’t good relationship material.

When kids are younger, one play date is all it takes to be “best friends,” and it can be with anyone. Some parents resist directing this, feeling like it’s “engineering” the friendships. But when parents are friends with each other, kids pick up on the values they see modeled. So, when your kids are young, it's okay to help guide them toward good friendships. As they grow older, they can start figuring out their own paths.

I'm just not understanding how this works once kids are in school- do you find new families in your kid's class each year that "share your values?" Or do you just limit their interactions with "school" friends to in-school only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should not worry about it and read the room. For whatever reason the playdates at the other girl’s house are not going to happen.

This, OP.

Also, often when people have a fixation on being seen as truthful, as you’ve expressed a few times, there’s a thread of OCD at play. Just something to consider, as how you view yourself is something you can control, whereas how others do, and how truthful they may or may not be, are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. There’s this idea some parents have that kids can be "separated" from their families and, as long as the kids want to be friends, they should be allowed to do so. But that doesn’t work, and honestly, it shouldn’t. My child and another one wanted to be friends for years, but over time, things shifted. The other mom had a toxic view of the world that didn’t become apparent until her daughter had already absorbed it. Eventually, my child no longer wanted to be friends—and that was a good thing. It’s an important skill to learn how to resist the urge to always give in to every friendship impulse and to be discerning about who you choose to spend time with. A friend who isn’t available, even if it’s not her fault, just isn’t good relationship material.

When kids are younger, one play date is all it takes to be “best friends,” and it can be with anyone. Some parents resist directing this, feeling like it’s “engineering” the friendships. But when parents are friends with each other, kids pick up on the values they see modeled. So, when your kids are young, it's okay to help guide them toward good friendships. As they grow older, they can start figuring out their own paths.

I'm just not understanding how this works once kids are in school- do you find new families in your kid's class each year that "share your values?" Or do you just limit their interactions with "school" friends to in-school only?

I’ve had friends with kids since I was in my early twenties—my first close friend had a baby when we were both 24. In addition, I made friends since then organically. No, I can’t keep up with everyone. When my own kids were little, they spent a lot of time with the best of my friends and their kids, especially when the moms would get together.

Like most kids, mine would ask for playdates, and I’d take those requests as they came. For example, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to set one up with a particular child, and I wouldn’t have asked why. It didn’t matter if the child wasn’t at fault. After a few requests, if it was clear a playdate wasn’t happening, I’d tell my child there was an unspoken reason behind it that wasn’t about her. My daughter might’ve wished it would work for years, but eventually, she learned it’s okay to let go of relationships that feel too difficult—especially when the other parent’s issues became apparent.

The same went for when others chose to pull their kids from spending time with us. We respected their decision without questioning it. Sometimes the reasons came out later, but it was good for my kids to hear that, even if the situation had something to do with them, it still wasn’t *about* them. It still spoke more about the other kids or families than them.

Now that our kids are older, they’ve had friends come and go. They’ve formed lasting relationships from different stages of their lives. They’ve got solid friendships from early childhood, as well as good groups of friends in other parts of their lives. They still have close relationships with some of my friends’ kids. The apple doesn’t always fall far from the tree: