Worried about H because of his imminent heart attack -- he keeps telling me that I am the problem

[Anonymous]

Op won't answer if she is a troll or the same poster that claimed her husband wanted to mentor some student to have an affair and be his daughter's tutor.

But she will answer re life insurance.

That poor daughter. OP and her DH are awful.

[Anonymous]

Calling the neighbors to check on him is abusive and controlling behavior.

I had a friend whose xH did this after he separated - had their neighbors check on her and report back. He was also physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive towards her.

You need to back off. It sucks he left, but what you are doing is not okay.

[Anonymous]

"Does he not have life insurance?


OP here. Sadly, no. His term life insurance ended a few years ago, and a new one would have been very expensive."

OP, please get a life insurance policy on him ASAP. Do NOT divorce without a policy in place. You are not allowed to buy a policy on someone's life if you're no longer married (except in a few odd situations) so it's imperative that you get this set up before divorcing. Plus, it sounds like his health warrants this. If you work, it's likely that you can insure him through your employer without a medical exam for at least $100K. But no matter what it costs, you need to get him insured if your daughter is dependent on his income to maintain her current lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Given his behavior, it sounds like setting up a settlement agreement that includes life insurance with your daughter as the beneficiary and you as the guardian till she's 25 makes the most sense. If you don't work, you'll get significant alimony and you can get an insurance plan that covers you in the event that he dies before making all of his alimony and child support payments described in the agreement. In the context of a settlement agreement, you'll have the leverage to demand that he answer the questions for the life insurance policy application and that he makes the payments on the policy. Be sure to have YOU be the owner of the policy though. That way you will be aware if he skips a payment or tries to close the policy before the specified time. If he scoffs at this, your lawyer will be able to show him that a judge will order this pretty much by default, which should make him agree if he's not a total idiot.

[Anonymous]

You two have an unhealthy dynamic between you, and I suggest you start therapy to figure out why you can’t let go of the wife/mother role you are still playing in your EX-husband’s life. You might also have anxiety.

He is an adult, and is responsible for seeking his own health care.

You two are not modeling anything good for your sons or your daughters.

[Anonymous]

Are you on life insurance policy? The beneficiary? I’d stop pushing …

[Anonymous]

Calling around to find out who is on call at what hospital, and calling the neighbors because he doesn't answer the phone, is so OTT. I wouldn't do it for a husband I loved, let alone one I'm divorcing. I wouldn't do it for myself! I'd just make an appointment with whomever.

[Anonymous]

In case it has not been suggested yet, OP please go to therapy. It will help you gain proper perspective which you currently lack.

[Anonymous]

I was a bit like OP with my ex where I was used to taking care of everything domestic and he would only go to work. I stayed codependent for a while and then it just went away on its own as I saw he was more or less capable and I was able to let it go.
But I know how it feels when you ex is not with you but is still very capable of bringing you extra worry and trouble. I hope it does away for OP as they continue to live apart.

[Anonymous]

You are sounding weird. Your main concern is the financial blow his death would involve. That seems apparent from what you report your daughter said about the mortgage.

I have been in your shoes in a way. Toxic marriage, spouse blaming me for his heart problems, child in the mix. In my case we lived under the same roof but were emotionally estranged when he wasn’t yelling at me. OP, before I took the plunge and initiated a divorce, he had a catastrophic stroke. He’s alive but extremely disabled cognitively and physically. You think your husband will die if he has a heart attack. Maybe he will. But maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll wind up incapacitated and become your burden. And if he doesn’t have any kind of king-term disability, your finances will be f—ked. I strongly advise you to wrap up your toxic, horrible marriage. Model healthy decisions for your daughter. Arrange a financial settlement of whatever kind, and start being independent. Your husband is responsible for his own health decisions. If he dies, he dies. That’ll be terrible for your daughter. But you can’t keep trying to manage him. He lives far from you. He wants separation from you. Just drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H and I are separated, he lives in our vacation property 3 hours away, close to his job. I have not seen him since mid-September.
On Friday he described to me that he had been showing all the classic symptoms of an imminent heart failure, yet he does not believe that he has heart insufficiency. On Sunday our 14 y.o. and I managed to persuade him to see a cardiologist.

His behavior is very hurtful. On one hand he has asked me to manage his care: find an in-network cardiologist, make appointments, etc. Our dynamic has always been that I take care of absolutely everything that is not about his duties on the job. I take care of the insurances, tax returns, maintenance of both homes, pay the bills etc. We have had a joint budget since the month we met 20 years ago, and that has not changed after the separation. Whenever there is a problem, I am the person he calls. I advise him even regarding his job-related negotiations.

On the other hand he keeps telling me that he does not trust me at all, that even talking to me is causing him stress. He does not want to give me a healthcare PoA. He blames me for having thwarted his attempt to start a relationship with a very young woman (35 years his junior) who was simply creeped out.

Last night he finished work at 5. Starting at 5:30 I started texting him asking him to go to a certain emergency room today where a cardiologist whom he trusts will be on call. I called him several times for an hour, he did not respond. I panicked and at shortly before 7 I asked neighbors to check on him. One of them has a key. They went in, and it turned out that he was merely sleeping. He became upset about having been woken up, and told me that I was overreacting, and even if he had heard my calls he probably would not have answered because talking to me stresses him out.

I am very hurt. You might say that he is my ex, why do I care. But he is the father of my daughter. Last night when the neighbors reported at 7 pm that his car is in the garage but he is not responding to the door buzzer, I started crying while telling them to get the key and go in. That is when I noticed that it would be a catastrophic loss in our lives if he died. Not only would my daughter be a half orphan, but it would also be a huge financial setback.

It is very hurtful to try to get the best healthcare for him to keep him alive and healthy, and not only to not get any appreciation in return but being constantly insulted. My sister says that most people would not put up with this humiliating situation. But I am not prepared to let him jeopardize his life just because he is incapable of organizing himself the healthcare he needs.

Yeah I'd say you are definitely a factor in his declining health. WOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. By the way, DD's reaction surprised me. When she understood that Daddy has a serious condition, she said "but you told me that you would be able to pay the mortgage on our house yourself."

I guess she is not as close to him as would be normal. No wonder, since he spends so little time with her.

WTF. This poster cannot be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are modeling so much toxic behavior to your daughter

OP here. Why, because I am trying to take care of her father?

No because you don't know when to stop. If you show this behavior then your daughter would have difficult time in managing relationships. The more you are going to assist him, you will continue to become his enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of being separated if you're carrying on like this?

OP here. There has been way less tension since he moved out to our vacation property. It seemed to be working: convenience for him and financial stability for me and our daughter.

Does he have life insurance? Make sure he does and then drop the rope.

You have excuses for this, but it’s pretty extreme codependency on your part. Stop.

[Anonymous]

What are the exact symptoms he described to you that has you convinced that he has imminent heart failure?