Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

[Anonymous]

I was like you and stayed working, but was able to do so remotely. So while I was really sad not to be a sahm, I felt it was a decent compromise if I was entirely remote and had some flexibility. Until now. My company is walking back on remote work like everyone else.

My kids are 7,4 and 1. I am probably going to leave my job within the year and try staying at home.

In some ways working gets harder as they get older. School is over by 3, lots of after school activities, homework, personalities and needs to manage. You need a driving nanny to bring them to activities, play dates etc and I’ve never been able to let go in that way. Even if you outsource, you still have to manage the scheduling and the help. The meal prep, the grocery shopping, the clothing shopping, the outgrown clothing storage, the toy organization and disposal. It’s a lot.

If you have three kids, it gets a lot more challenging because you have three schedules to manage commitments for, and to your point, your oldest will be in elementary school while the youngest is still a toddler requiring full time childcare.

It really comes down to whether you can afford to sacrifice your income and how much you want to retain your career. I’ve had trouble giving up mine but as companies walk back on flexibility, I’m finding it difficult to walk away from my kids. Also, I’m done having kids now - so I’d be home for all three of them at once, as opposed to if I’d stayed home from the get go before the second or third was born.

How old are you? I am 36 and have been maxing out my 401k for 13 years. I feel like I’ve done a chunk of the hard work already and my investments will grow via compound interest even if I leave my job. I’m not happy about losing my income, but at least if you continue to work and save when you’re young, the money will work for you if you decide to quit down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

I literally said less than half. That means by default not everyone. Yet you ask about individuals - that’s stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

My DH was not a good partner when the kids were younger. He's very involved now when DCs are middle school and high school. But honestly he was just fun times dad before that. It's really frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you like your job and would want to go back, do not quit.

- A SAHM.

+1

I quit to be a stay at home mom 16 years ago. Even if I wanted to go back, I could never go back to my career. I work in a completely different field now, put my salary is very low and it’s not intellectually stimulating.

On the absolutely positive side, I would do it again. I was lucky to be present for my kids (and husband), their school events before and after school and my life is not stressful. I have the perfect work life balance.

You have the perfect “life balance” for you - not work life balance - you sacrificed your career. And it sounds like the sacrifice worked for you. It doesn’t for everyone and many people want more from life - like a tangible contribution other than reproduction. Men are expected to reproduce and make a contribution; women are second fiddle and only good for their uterus.

I can only speak for myself but being the person to raise my kids full time would be a much more meaningful use of time and “contribution” than the work I do as a cog in the wheel for the fortune 100 company I work at. Most of us aren’t working at “meaningful” jobs and even the those of us who are usually aren’t paid well enough to offset the cost of quality childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part time is the way if at all possible.

Wrong. Two people fully flexible is the way to go. We both go to the office (or not), leave early to pick kids up (or not), and make sure someone is always available. In our line of work part time means half pay but full workload. I tell my staff to flex it and make things happen but make sure they get paid for all their work - we all know the women who went part time, still work FT, are paid less, and stunt their careers.

Workplaces are getting less and less flexible. If you want to move up or around in your career, flexibility is increasingly difficult to come by. You are either in or out, and being in usually requires working full time, 3-5 days a week in the office + commuting time, meaning you see your kids for a few hours at night (or 1 hour if they’re a baby/toddler who sleeps from 7pm - 7am) and either have them in daycare or with a nanny for long hours.

There is no having it all. OP is right that you either lean in or opt out. I’m not sure if what you choose impacts your kids outcomes, but if you’re someone who wants to he very present with your kids, a full time career makes that nearly impossible right now.

[Anonymous]

work you big bum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:work you big bum

She’s not a bum. When did we as a society stop valuing parents raising their own kids and decide that farming kids out to childcare or Nannie’s was the optimal setup?

I work, but I’m appalled by our society’s attitudes towards stay at home parents.