Thinking about Baby #4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people change their minds. I changed my mind from a hard NO on this very question, so I should know. Now we're expecting #4. If this is important to OP, keep discussing with your spouse—you never know. Or perhaps you'll be the one to change your mind. But communication is key. Try to understand each other's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people change their minds. I changed my mind from a hard NO on this very question, so I should know. Now we're expecting #4. If this is important to OP, keep discussing with your spouse—you never know. Or perhaps you'll be the one to change your mind. But communication is key. Try to understand each other's perspective.

Great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Isn’t op contemplating a 4th? I just reread the post, and it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th.

Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t op contemplating a 4th?

Not exactly. OP has already decided she wants the child. OP is contemplating moving on, or continue trying to persuade someone who does not want this child to re-consider.

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the post. ]it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th. Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

Based on your prior comment, I think your situations are different.

Anonymous wrote:PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic)

But we should encourage avoiding accidents where one party does not want to parent a child. It's possible they'll change their mind, after the baby arrives. But the risks are too high: this is a child. Possibly this is 2 children. Possibly this is a special needs child.

If one parent is not 100% certain, fully prepared for twins or SN, then practice family planning. OPs partner is 50% of this and should be scheduling a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t op contemplating a 4th?

Not exactly. OP has already decided she wants the child. OP is contemplating moving on, or continue trying to persuade someone who does not want this child to re-consider.

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the post. ]it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th. Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

Based on your prior comment, I think your situations are different.

Anonymous wrote:PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic)

But we should encourage avoiding accidents where one party does not want to parent a child. It's possible they'll change their mind, after the baby arrives. But the risks are too high: this is a child. Possibly this is 2 children. Possibly this is a special needs child.

If one parent is not 100% certain, fully prepared for twins or SN, then practice family planning. OPs partner is 50% of this and should be scheduling a vasectomy.

Why do people feel like anyone else should be pursuing permanent birth control? I do not recall OP mentioning anywhere in her posts that her partner was contemplating a vasectomy. This is a weird leap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t op contemplating a 4th?

Not exactly. OP has already decided she wants the child. OP is contemplating moving on, or continue trying to persuade someone who does not want this child to re-consider.

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the post. ]it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th. Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

Based on your prior comment, I think your situations are different.

Anonymous wrote:PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic)

But we should encourage avoiding accidents where one party does not want to parent a child. It's possible they'll change their mind, after the baby arrives. But the risks are too high: this is a child. Possibly this is 2 children. Possibly this is a special needs child.

If one parent is not 100% certain, fully prepared for twins or SN, then practice family planning. OPs partner is 50% of this and should be scheduling a vasectomy.

Why do people feel like anyone else should be pursuing permanent birth control? I do not recall OP mentioning anywhere in her posts that her partner was contemplating a vasectomy. This is a weird leap.

If you really are a "clear NO" or "hard NO", you should be considering permanent birth control if you are engaging in sexual activity that can lead to an unwanted pregnancy. Why pursue permanent birth control? To prevent unwanted pregnancies leading to unwanted children.

OP: "My partner is a clear NO"

"It's highly unlikely but possible I'll change my mind" is different, of course. OP can clarify that with her partner if she hasn't already done so.

[Anonymous]

At this point in time with RFK he and Republicans removing vaccine mandates you are selfish and ignorant to bring a child into a fascist dictatorship. Especially with the pro birth party pro death for kids party

Fid gods sake did you not read project 2025??? Yes you idiot it covers maternity and it’s horrifyingly bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point in time with RFK he and Republicans removing vaccine mandates you are selfish and ignorant to bring a child into a fascist dictatorship. Especially with the pro birth party pro death for kids party

Fid gods sake did you not read project 2025??? Yes you idiot it covers maternity and it’s horrifyingly bad

PP and disagree. If the adults involved are capable well-considered all-in parents, the current politics should not be the deciding factor. It should be considered of course as a factor in how this might prevent parents from being capable parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t op contemplating a 4th?

Not exactly. OP has already decided she wants the child. OP is contemplating moving on, or continue trying to persuade someone who does not want this child to re-consider.

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the post. ]it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th. Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

Based on your prior comment, I think your situations are different.

Anonymous wrote:PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic)

But we should encourage avoiding accidents where one party does not want to parent a child. It's possible they'll change their mind, after the baby arrives. But the risks are too high: this is a child. Possibly this is 2 children. Possibly this is a special needs child.

If one parent is not 100% certain, fully prepared for twins or SN, then practice family planning. OPs partner is 50% of this and should be scheduling a vasectomy.

Why do people feel like anyone else should be pursuing permanent birth control? I do not recall OP mentioning anywhere in her posts that her partner was contemplating a vasectomy. This is a weird leap.

If you really are a "clear NO" or "hard NO", you should be considering permanent birth control if you are engaging in sexual activity that can lead to an unwanted pregnancy. Why pursue permanent birth control? To prevent unwanted pregnancies leading to unwanted children.

OP: "My partner is a clear NO"

"It's highly unlikely but possible I'll change my mind" is different, of course. OP can clarify that with her partner if she hasn't already done so.

I think what you say here is different — very different to suggest someone should consider permanent birth control versus saying someone should get a medical procedure that is permanent and carries some risks (however small). There are many valid, highly effective birth control methods out there, and vasectomies aren’t for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a fourth then a fifth. We’ve had conversations about each. Love our family. It’s ok to keep talking. People change their minds. I did.

How did you go from “clear NO” to clear yes, twice?

I don’t think it was ever crystal “clear” either way. It’s all a jumble of shifting preferences and priorities, feelings, biology and health, love, chaos, chance and openness to the unknown, watching other families, thinking about how you want your future to look, and a leap of faith.

But OP is in a “clear” no situation. OP needs help coping with reality.

Yes, OP needs advice on letting this go, not bamboozling her husband into having another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a fourth then a fifth. We’ve had conversations about each. Love our family. It’s ok to keep talking. People change their minds. I did.

How did you go from “clear NO” to clear yes, twice?

I don’t think it was ever crystal “clear” either way. It’s all a jumble of shifting preferences and priorities, feelings, biology and health, love, chaos, chance and openness to the unknown, watching other families, thinking about how you want your future to look, and a leap of faith.

But OP is in a “clear” no situation. OP needs help coping with reality.

Yes, OP needs advice on letting this go, not bamboozling her husband into having another.

Why do people think talking = bamboozling or coercing? I guess OP has told us very little about what makes her partner a clear NO, or what she means by that. I think many posters have mentioned further discussion because they find it weird for a topic of conversation to be off limits between two people who share a life. Even if it’s a never not in a million years, OP is entitled to talk to her partner about why that makes her sad. And she should be open and honest about that imo. I actually think talking about this is part of what will help her cope….

That said, I certainly agree that the best advice to OP focuses on how to cope with her grief, because a fourth child doesn’t sound likely. Partner may theoretically change his mind but OP should not be expecting that.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted 3 and we had 2 because my partner was a hard NO for a third. End of story. I got over it. I was just telling someone last night I am glad we stopped at 2. My partner was right.

And I never got over not having a third. My partner was wrong. His hard no was just of the many hard nos, and it was the end of my story with him.

[Anonymous]

We hadn’t discussed a fourth…it just happened. My last two are barely 20 months apart. It was a surprise—the best surprise.

FTR, I blame my husband for the pregnancy ;0)