Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

DH here: this a grossly unfair, bizarre, and unkind response to a new mother that is looking for help and support. I’m sorry you’re so angry about this; a six-month or even longer sexual drought is not unreasonable after childbirth. Obviously, not really any man’s first choice, but it’s not that out of line. OP don’t listen to these kinds of responses; yes, over the long term, you’re going to need to do something, long-term celibacy is really too much to ask of any man, but you are still within a pretty reasonable place under the circumstances, and I suspect your DH feels the same. He *is* letting you know he needs something, and you’re going to need to decide how to respond to that.

She needs to hear the truth. If she wants people who are going to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear, she shouldn’t post here.

Her husband is very reasonable. He is not asking for full intercourse. He asked for a BJ. She refused. He then asked for a simple HJ and she refused again. How hard is it to give a HJ? This is a service you can provide to your man without needing to be in the mood.
It is like giving someone a massage. You don’t need to be aroused to give a massage to someone.
She is selfish.

[Anonymous]

I'm a married woman with a low libido also. I keep my husband happy with BJs and HJs. HJs are quick and easy and sort of just an extra chore to quickly cross off the list. You do not have to get in the mood for an HJ. Why not just do that for your husband to keep him happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

You sound bitter and single. She just created a human life, popped it out and has been caring for it with her BODY. You have no respect for women if you hope he cheats on her after giving birth to his progeny.

How hard is it to give a HJ. He only wants a simple fu**ing HJ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

DH here: this a grossly unfair, bizarre, and unkind response to a new mother that is looking for help and support. I’m sorry you’re so angry about this; a six-month or even longer sexual drought is not unreasonable after childbirth. Obviously, not really any man’s first choice, but it’s not that out of line. OP don’t listen to these kinds of responses; yes, over the long term, you’re going to need to do something, long-term celibacy is really too much to ask of any man, but you are still within a pretty reasonable place under the circumstances, and I suspect your DH feels the same. He *is* letting you know he needs something, and you’re going to need to decide how to respond to that.

She needs to hear the truth. If she wants people who are going to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear, she shouldn’t post here.

Her husband is very reasonable. He is not asking for full intercourse. He asked for a BJ. She refused. He then asked for a simple HJ and she refused again. How hard is it to give a HJ? This is a service you can provide to your man without needing to be in the mood.
It is like giving someone a massage. You don’t need to be aroused to give a massage to someone.
She is selfish.

We will just have to disagree on the merits of that; less than six-months postpartum is a time for patience, and I’m not sure what the HJs you get are like, but they tend not to be disengaged servicing in a lot of cases and it’s better not to move things in that direction if you don’t have to. Fighting through a hormonal distaste for sex in that way is likely to do more harm than good at this point, from a longer-term perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Yes, he's going to take is personally that you find the idea of sex with him repulsive. He might be a nice guy about it now, obviously making you feel at ease about his commitment to you, but don't expect that to last forever.

What has worked for us in the past is saying explicitly “I am not super into this because of hormones, I would really like to be into it and I feel terrible that I’m not, but I would like to do this for you because I love you and I want to show you that.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Yes, he's going to take is personally that you find the idea of sex with him repulsive. He might be a nice guy about it now, obviously making you feel at ease about his commitment to you, but don't expect that to last forever.

Ughhh…This.

[Anonymous]

If you won't even give him a HJ with kisses...Would you kiss him?
If not you have an aversion to him.

I had sex with DH many times when I had no desire due to hormones. It was closeness and satisfying in an emotional way. OP you don't sem to want that either.

I am very sorry for your spouse. He is not just a penis looking to spurt he is a person with feelings and the rules got changed on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Do you guys cuddle at least. Do you allow that?
It sounds like you wouldn’t even give him a kiss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. Thank you for being kind. Some of these replies are wacky. I do love him very much he's a wonderful human a I don't want to think about life without him. It's just that the thought of anything sexual with him is off putting I thought that the interest would be back by now it was with my oldest at this point post partum. But it's not. And his love language is physical touch and intimacy and that makes it worse because I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Hoping he will leave you soon.
You so do not deserve him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

DO NOT FORGET: women’s desire is responsive. It is not up to OP to just become horny. Her DH should read “come as you are”… as should OP.

Well I’m a woman (and the PP you’re responding to) and my desire is not “responsive” or whatever that means. I find the concept a little rape-y tbh, like the man should start in and the woman will become aroused? I don’t really buy it. My desire is intrinsic, I’ve just been told my whole life I should never act on it, I should be ashamed, etc. which thankfully I don’t give a f about and as a result I’ve had an incredible s€x life…

Anyway, I feel for both OP and her DH. My libido didn’t come back for many months after each child birth and 5.5 months is really not that long after having your bits torn and a baby attached to your boob for hours/months on end. But I’d still try in that case… Her DH just wants to connect with his wife. I think it’s sweet. He sounds like an amazing guy.

Sounds like you should read the book too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

DO NOT FORGET: women’s desire is responsive. It is not up to OP to just become horny. Her DH should read “come as you are”… as should OP.

There are medications for this for women. If OP cares, she'd ask her doctor about it

You’re all nuts. You’re missing the point. Outside of your ovulatory period, a woman gets turned on by feeling sexy and desirable. Aty least, 80% of women do. To dismiss this obvious fact is stupid as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married woman with a low libido also. I keep my husband happy with BJs and HJs. HJs are quick and easy and sort of just an extra chore to quickly cross off the list. You do not have to get in the mood for an HJ. Why not just do that for your husband to keep him happy?

There really isn't anything sadder than an obligatory HJ. Why not divorce, find someone new, and get on with life?

[Anonymous]

OP's DH is a saint. She's not going to find another one like that especially as a divorced single mom with 2 children.

Reading her posts I am keep thinking "how humiliated DH felt when his own wife turned him down for a HJ!"

It is the beginning of the end of the marriage unless OP changes her way. Bet on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

You sound bitter and single. She just created a human life, popped it out and has been caring for it with her BODY. You have no respect for women if you hope he cheats on her after giving birth to his progeny.

How hard is it to give a HJ. He only wants a simple fu**ing HJ.

He as two of his own?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

DH here: this a grossly unfair, bizarre, and unkind response to a new mother that is looking for help and support. I’m sorry you’re so angry about this; a six-month or even longer sexual drought is not unreasonable after childbirth. Obviously, not really any man’s first choice, but it’s not that out of line. OP don’t listen to these kinds of responses; yes, over the long term, you’re going to need to do something, long-term celibacy is really too much to ask of any man, but you are still within a pretty reasonable place under the circumstances, and I suspect your DH feels the same. He *is* letting you know he needs something, and you’re going to need to decide how to respond to that.

She needs to hear the truth. If she wants people who are going to lie to her and tell her what she wants to hear, she shouldn’t post here.

Her husband is very reasonable. He is not asking for full intercourse. He asked for a BJ. She refused. He then asked for a simple HJ and she refused again. How hard is it to give a HJ? This is a service you can provide to your man without needing to be in the mood.
It is like giving someone a massage. You don’t need to be aroused to give a massage to someone.
She is selfish.

Spoken like someone without kids! Jfc