What do you think of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd ask to have the thread closed. Some moms are not going to let it go, and have their own baggage.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Mom wanted sick young child to be cared for by her actual parents. I’m not so sure why this is hard for you to understand OP. Even if you do a good job as a stepmom it’s natural to want your child to be cared for while sick by a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom wanted sick young child to be cared for by her actual parents. I’m not so sure why this is hard for you to understand OP. Even if you do a good job as a stepmom it’s natural to want your child to be cared for while sick by a parent.

Then mom should have stayed home with her. simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother should have rights of first refusal, as should dad. If the custodial parent is not available, the noncustodial parent should be the first to get offered that.

Parents should follow their agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's totally fine. You give up control when you divorce. You don't get to second-guess reasonable decisions or insist on parental care at all times.


OP, it sounds like you want your ex to have missed work out of some misguided notion of "fairness"-- "I used my annual leave so he should use his annual leave". That's nuts. If the child was safe, well cared-for, and reasonably happy (for a sick kid), then you have nothing to complain about.

I'm stepmom, wondering if I did something wrong. I wanted opinions not affected by stepmom dislike. I had the ability to use leave, so I did. Now there's backlash.

NP. I don't think you did anything wrong, based on information provided. If I understand correctly, Mom is upset because SHE had to use leave, and Dad did not have to, because you (stepmom) was able to? If so, you're not wrong-the ill child was cared for.

The only way I'd have a problem (as Mom) was if Mom was available to care for ill DD on Dad's days, and he did not offer the time. But I don't think that is the case here, based on the info provided.

You are correct. Both in what Mom is upset with and that she wasn't available without missing more time. There isn't usually a lot of drama. She doesn't get upset when I attend extra curricular activities with dad or anything like that. We're all polite.

I doubt mom is mad in the abstract because she thought it was unfair she took leave and dad did not. It’s not an issue of her leave - it’s that dad showed (perhaps in a pattern of such behavior) that he puts himself & his job above a sick child. It’s that mom put kid first and he did not.

Did she want the sick child to stay with her and dad refused, only to go to work anyway? You still have not answered.

She did answer-she said the mom could not take more leave to watch her on dad's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother should have rights of first refusal, as should dad. If the custodial parent is not available, the noncustodial parent should be the first to get offered that.

That sounds appropriate for a sick 7 year old. If mom was available and would have liked taking care of the child on those days, she should have had the opportunity. If she needed to work outside the home and couldn’t care for the child, I don’t understand what her complaint is. Presumably it’s in her best interest for her child’s other parent to remain gainfully employed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom wanted sick young child to be cared for by her actual parents. I’m not so sure why this is hard for you to understand OP. Even if you do a good job as a stepmom it’s natural to want your child to be cared for while sick by a parent.

Then mom should have stayed home with her. simple.

Then mom should have stayed married. When you get divorced, you lose control.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't do anything wrong that I can see. But it's important that you have your ears open to what people are telling you, even if it comes wrapped in an annoying package or from a source you think is biased. Remember, his ex knows him *very* well.

If your DH shirks as a parent and work is always his excuse, if he doesn't adhere to his custody agreement as written, if he doesn't proactively make sure he's handling the boring admin of parenting, then things are going to be difficult. Right now you're feeling attacked, but you've gotten some good advice here. Take what's useful to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom wanted sick young child to be cared for by her actual parents. I’m not so sure why this is hard for you to understand OP. Even if you do a good job as a stepmom it’s natural to want your child to be cared for while sick by a parent.

Then mom should have stayed home with her. simple.

Then mom should have stayed married. When you get divorced, you lose control.

That too.

[Anonymous]

Yes you did the right thing. Mom could have offered to keep sick child and change days if she wanted to. But, she didn’t and you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't do anything wrong that I can see. But it's important that you have your ears open to what people are telling you, even if it comes wrapped in an annoying package or from a source you think is biased. Remember, his ex knows him *very* well.

If your DH shirks as a parent and work is always his excuse, if he doesn't adhere to his custody agreement as written, if he doesn't proactively make sure he's handling the boring admin of parenting, then things are going to be difficult. Right now you're feeling attacked, but you've gotten some good advice here. Take what's useful to you.

Not all people can take off. No reason why stepmom shouldn’t stay home. Maybe mom is the problem and not dad. She’ll look for any reason to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother should have rights of first refusal, as should dad. If the custodial parent is not available, the noncustodial parent should be the first to get offered that.

That sounds appropriate for a sick 7 year old. If mom was available and would have liked taking care of the child on those days, she should have had the opportunity. If she needed to work outside the home and couldn’t care for the child, I don’t understand what her complaint is. Presumably it’s in her best interest for her child’s other parent to remain gainfully employed.

Mom should have offered to switch days vs moving a sick child. Op was nice enough to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't do anything wrong that I can see. But it's important that you have your ears open to what people are telling you, even if it comes wrapped in an annoying package or from a source you think is biased. Remember, his ex knows him *very* well.

If your DH shirks as a parent and work is always his excuse, if he doesn't adhere to his custody agreement as written, if he doesn't proactively make sure he's handling the boring admin of parenting, then things are going to be difficult. Right now you're feeling attacked, but you've gotten some good advice here. Take what's useful to you.

Not all people can take off. No reason why stepmom shouldn’t stay home. Maybe mom is the problem and not dad. She’ll look for any reason to be mean.

That's not the point. The point is this particular incident isn't necessarily problematic (though it really depends on the specifics of the custody agreement and whether school/medical stuff was handled). The point is this may be symptomatic of a larger problem, and that OP should keep her eyes wide open and be open to the possibility that even a totally awful, crazy, horrid ex-wife might have a point now and then, and might be telling OP something that she could benefit from knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH has taken time off before to take her to doctor's appointments, and stayed with her after she had tubes put in her ears so Mom didn't have to take time off even though it was during her time. He books days off when she's with us on non-school days.

His meeting was booked well in advance. He had been preparing for a while.

You are fine. Let him handle the ex. I'd move on mentally if you can.

Thanks. He handles all communications with his ex and 98% of what step-daughter needs. He sucks at hair-do's and I don't.

Back to work for me. I half suspect his ex found the thread.

OP, you asked why there's pushback. People are trying to tell you-- it's possibly because you and your DH may have not done a good job. You can agree or disagree. But if you and your DH don't even know what a good job look like, and don't try to figure it out, then you're going to have this kind of issue ongoing.

You are the ONLY one trying to tell her that because you have issues. The rest of us are telling her it was totally fine for dad to leave his daughter with his wife.

It is totally fine. There is nothing wrong with that. But it's not fine if, in the big picture, he tends to dump his kid on women to the detriment of his parent-child relationship. And it's not fine if he and his wife didn't handle all of the responsibilities of having a sick kid and expect the ex-wife to deal with the administrative stuff. OP needs to wrap her head around that-- that kind of thing is the job of the parent with custody on the day. Even if you have, OMG, a meeting.

You are making up stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH has taken time off before to take her to doctor's appointments, and stayed with her after she had tubes put in her ears so Mom didn't have to take time off even though it was during her time. He books days off when she's with us on non-school days.

His meeting was booked well in advance. He had been preparing for a while.

You are fine. Let him handle the ex. I'd move on mentally if you can.

Thanks. He handles all communications with his ex and 98% of what step-daughter needs. He sucks at hair-do's and I don't.

Back to work for me. I half suspect his ex found the thread.

OP, you asked why there's pushback. People are trying to tell you-- it's possibly because you and your DH may have not done a good job. You can agree or disagree. But if you and your DH don't even know what a good job look like, and don't try to figure it out, then you're going to have this kind of issue ongoing.

You are the ONLY one trying to tell her that because you have issues. The rest of us are telling her it was totally fine for dad to leave his daughter with his wife.

It is totally fine. There is nothing wrong with that. But it's not fine if, in the big picture, he tends to dump his kid on women to the detriment of his parent-child relationship. And it's not fine if he and his wife didn't handle all of the responsibilities of having a sick kid and expect the ex-wife to deal with the administrative stuff. OP needs to wrap her head around that-- that kind of thing is the job of the parent with custody on the day. Even if you have, OMG, a meeting.

You are making up stuff.

So did they handle the school requirements or didn't they?