Teens and custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

NP. You're totally off-base here. If you’re using your time with your kid to push for a relationship on your terms—like not letting them play in their soccer game or making them miss their friend's birthday party—you’ll push them away. They will resent you, and the resentment will come directly from your actions. Blaming your ex for everything is just misdirected anger. Maybe it’s time to look at your role in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Ah, so here we get to the real issue. Dad thinks he's a parent, but he really isn't. He's a visitor for his own reasons, and his reasons take priority. He wants the kid served up happy and respectful, and free of any obligations whatsoever, because Dad Time isn't actually parenting time. Dad Time is for Dad's happiness and convenience. It doesn't include any responsibility for academics, any consideration for other social relationships, any obligations, any sport, really anything at all. That's all Mom Work-- and she's somehow, magically supposed to make sure that everything boring or unpleasant, anything that requires a smidgen of actual parenting, is handled on her time. Dad Time must remain pristine! And if the kid resents having to miss things or to jam all their stuff into Mom Time, well then, guess that's just Mom poisoning the relationship.

Nicely written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

Try really hard to understand this. If the dad refuses to do any activities, obligations, and responsibilities on his time, then he *is* dictating what I do on my time. Because the kid is entitled to a normal life, and it's in the kid's best interest to do healthy things like sports and homework and having friends. So if the dad says the kid can't, for example, take the SAT or do college visits on Dad Time, then that's dictating that it has to be done on Mom Time. If the dad refuses to support any frienships, then that has to be done on Mom Time. If the dad refuses to support homework, then it has to be done on Mom Time. See? Because there's only two parents (at best). So it's either his time or mine. I'm the real parent-- I have my eye on the long term and I focus on my kid's best interests above all. Even if that means my time isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Even if it requires an effort on my part. Unlike my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 17. He doesn’t need to go if he doesn’t want to. Forget custody and support and $.

If it’s court ordered he need to go.

Even if it is court ordered the young adults wishes should still take priority, it's not his fault he has divorced parents so why should he suffer the consequences of divorce?

This. There is no law that says you have to follow a court order: it is there to be enforced if there is a major disagreement.

I am divorced. We don’t follow what “the court order” says. My ex is an attorney. We are more flexible than a court order.

A court order is law. Your ex is a bad attorney. It’s not a suggestion, it the rules you follow.

What do you think the court will do if a 17 year old refuses to go?

They jail the parent who is not helping them comply.

That's how it played out when my niece (17) refused to see her dad anymore after he married a woman who she didn't get along with. The judge told my niece "your mom will go to jail if you do not go to your ordered visitations with your dad" and that's exactly what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

What on earth could cause you to have only 1-2 days a month? Did you move away? Did you do something very bad? I really don't see how you could expect to have much of a relationship with that amount of time, even with a supportive ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

Try really hard to understand this. If the dad refuses to do any activities, obligations, and responsibilities on his time, then he *is* dictating what I do on my time. Because the kid is entitled to a normal life, and it's in the kid's best interest to do healthy things like sports and homework and having friends. So if the dad says the kid can't, for example, take the SAT or do college visits on Dad Time, then that's dictating that it has to be done on Mom Time. If the dad refuses to support any frienships, then that has to be done on Mom Time. If the dad refuses to support homework, then it has to be done on Mom Time. See? Because there's only two parents (at best). So it's either his time or mine. I'm the real parent-- I have my eye on the long term and I focus on my kid's best interests above all. Even if that means my time isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Even if it requires an effort on my part. Unlike my ex.

Adding to this, no mom putting in all this effort to prepare her child for adulthood and already facing so much resistance from her ex will interfere when her child decides they don't want to go to dad's house anymore. Under these circumstances, no mom will force their kid to go against their will. Not one. It just won’t happen. If you think otherwise, you're missing the mark on what it means to be a good parent and how any and every mom will respond to this set of circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 17. He doesn’t need to go if he doesn’t want to. Forget custody and support and $.

If it’s court ordered he need to go.

Even if it is court ordered the young adults wishes should still take priority, it's not his fault he has divorced parents so why should he suffer the consequences of divorce?

This. There is no law that says you have to follow a court order: it is there to be enforced if there is a major disagreement.

I am divorced. We don’t follow what “the court order” says. My ex is an attorney. We are more flexible than a court order.

A court order is law. Your ex is a bad attorney. It’s not a suggestion, it the rules you follow.

What do you think the court will do if a 17 year old refuses to go?

They jail the parent who is not helping them comply.

That's how it played out when my niece (17) refused to see her dad anymore after he married a woman who she didn't get along with. The judge told my niece "your mom will go to jail if you do not go to your ordered visitations with your dad" and that's exactly what happened.

Do you have the judge's name and a court citation for this matter? That judge could be disbarred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

What on earth could cause you to have only 1-2 days a month? Did you move away? Did you do something very bad? I really don't see how you could expect to have much of a relationship with that amount of time, even with a supportive ex.

Exactly. It's most likely that dad chose only 1-2 days a month and the teen no longer thinks his dad's schedule is the most important thing in the world. Imagine that. If you are relying on your EW to force your kid to spend time with you, you are doing it all wrong. And no, it's not your ex's fault your almost adult doesn't want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 17. He doesn’t need to go if he doesn’t want to. Forget custody and support and $.

If it’s court ordered he need to go.

Even if it is court ordered the young adults wishes should still take priority, it's not his fault he has divorced parents so why should he suffer the consequences of divorce?

This. There is no law that says you have to follow a court order: it is there to be enforced if there is a major disagreement.

I am divorced. We don’t follow what “the court order” says. My ex is an attorney. We are more flexible than a court order.

A court order is law. Your ex is a bad attorney. It’s not a suggestion, it the rules you follow.

What do you think the court will do if a 17 year old refuses to go?

They jail the parent who is not helping them comply.

That's how it played out when my niece (17) refused to see her dad anymore after he married a woman who she didn't get along with. The judge told my niece "your mom will go to jail if you do not go to your ordered visitations with your dad" and that's exactly what happened.

That's a question of state law and also a fact determination. I wouldn't count on it, especially if the accused parent isn't even present when the kid refuses to go.

[Anonymous]

Again, here we have a person who walked out in their kid and acted like an idiot, treating their kid like an object with no feelings or voice or opinion. When kid points out this person has made poor choices and treats them
Like an object, said person gets annoyed and blames everyone else. And risks losing the child’s respect and relationship in their efforts to pass the blame. If you truly care about your kid, own up to your part of it, nurture the relationship, hear their voice and opinion and value it.
I guess we will never agree, but rest assured custody lawyers and judges see this for what it is.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 10. Once I got my license, I stopped the midweek visits to my dad’s house. We’d meet for dinner on “his” night, and I would spend every other weekend at dad’s house, but it was too hard to get school in the morning, and to take things back and forth.

Our weekly dinners continued when I came home from college. As an adult, I feel like I have a good relationship with my dad (and my mom).

But by 16, I was also working PT and had friends and a boyfriend and activities like a normal teenager. It wasn’t like I was spending a ton of time with my mom, and no time with my dad. Even though I was sleeping at my mom’s house on weeknights, she wasn’t getting a windfall of parenting time.

So OP, maybe something like that would work for your family: have your ex try a midweek dinner.

And if your kid is not already, get them involved in something that regularly gets them out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 10. Once I got my license, I stopped the midweek visits to my dad’s house. We’d meet for dinner on “his” night, and I would spend every other weekend at dad’s house, but it was too hard to get school in the morning, and to take things back and forth.

Our weekly dinners continued when I came home from college. As an adult, I feel like I have a good relationship with my dad (and my mom).

But by 16, I was also working PT and had friends and a boyfriend and activities like a normal teenager. It wasn’t like I was spending a ton of time with my mom, and no time with my dad. Even though I was sleeping at my mom’s house on weeknights, she wasn’t getting a windfall of parenting time.

So OP, maybe something like that would work for your family: have your ex try a midweek dinner.

And if your kid is not already, get them involved in something that regularly gets them out of the house.

This has to be the norm, especially by age 16. It's perfectly normal for kids to start asserting their independence over where they want to sleep once they have a license, job, and car. 16-year-olds generally care a lot more about their friends, their academic obligations, their sports, and their social calendar than spending time with either parent. They'll stay wherever is most convenient for them. It's rarely a reflection of which parent they like better.

[Anonymous]

See? When we take a minute to listen to the kid, we get a better understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be willing to force or punish my kid over refusal to spend time with the other parent. It would damage my relationship with my kid. The other parent is welcome to come over and try to coerce them, or to spend some time trying to repair their relationship with the kid. Or they can pick the kid up from school or some other neutral location so that it isn't my problem.

Often times kids have good reasons for doing this, or the other parent simply does not have realistic parenting expectations. At that age, they don't spend a whole lot of time at home or with their parents, at all period.

+100. My ex seems to have zero understanding that he needs to put in effort to maintain a positive relationship with our kid. Instead he just feels he is entitled to “his” time and gets mad at me and kid when kid drags his feet or expresses that he doesn’t want to go.

Sounds like ex is frustrated at the situation and blaming you. You can't make kids do what they don't want to do, no matter what it says on a piece of paper somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. I find it ridiculous when people assume you can force a kid. It can become violent. I’m sure there is a good reason the kid doesn’t want to be with that other parent and the other parent needs to address it.
Again, good luck forcing a 17 yo boy. You might want to do pickup/drop off at the police station - just in case.
You may end up with a runaway situation.

You need to get your child intensive mental health treatment if you are dealing with violence, running away and more. Ever consider your parenting plays a part in it too.

I have a teenage boy. Yes, I force him to do all kinds of things and if he doesn't there are consequences.

Your child doesn't respect you. Either your child is very mentally ill, your parenting sucks, or both.

That's not it at all. I'm choosing not to force him to visit his father because it would take extreme levels of coercion and I don't think it will be beneficial in the long run for their relationship. The coercion would poison the relationship with his father and also my son's relationship with me. There are all kinds of things I require of my child, but this is not one of them. His father needs to repair the relationship by acting appropriately, and his failure to do so is not my problem to solve. Forcing my son into his father's physical presence does not actually solve the problem anyway. Try to focus on the relationships here, not moving a child around as if he's a piece of property.

Dad cannot do anything without your support. You are the problem.

Why can't he? Our agreement is he picks DS up from school at 5 pm on Fridays. I'm not even there. They can go ahead and have a nice time doing whatever they want. Or do you think my ex is such a terrible parent that he can't even do that without me cheerleading and gaslighting the kid into it? What does that say about my ex?

You need to think about whether the goal is to coerce the child to a physical location, or is it to have a genuine relationship.

He can come and you can tell the child not to go with him and he'll listen to you over Dad. Lets be real. You tell the kid, Dad is coming at 5 PM, have a good tiem and see you when you get home. Not, hey, Dad wants to see you at 5 PM but its your choice but don't forget you have to see your friends, the game, homework, etc.

Well, kids do have those things, and a good parent would understand and be willing to spend time facilitating homework and social events on their "time". Just like I do on my time. There's no right that Dad Time be 100% free of any other activity that the kid might want to do and they just gaze into each other's eyes for 48 hours. If the dad refuses to support the kid having a normal life with homework, sports, and socializing, is it any wonder they have a bad relationship?

I'm also amazed you think I have that level of influence. If my ex is such a great parent, the kid would be willing to spend time with him and surely my saying "it's your choice" would not be an obstacle to that.

You are just as much a problem as he is. You don't dictate what dad does on his time, and he doesn't dictate what you do on your time. If Dad only sees kid 1-2 days a month, kid should be with dad and not socializing. You don't seem to get that. You are trying everything to stop the relationship, you succeeded and now want to justify it.

NP. You're totally off-base here. If you’re using your time with your kid to push for a relationship on your terms—like not letting them play in their soccer game or making them miss their friend's birthday party—you’ll push them away. They will resent you, and the resentment will come directly from your actions. Blaming your ex for everything is just misdirected anger. Maybe it’s time to look at your role in this.

A soccer gamer for a school or club sport ok but that’s just a few months. Friends party, no. You are the problem. Everything and everyone is a priority over dad and kid follows your rules if no dad. I don’t care if my kids are angry at me. No means no and you aren’t going. I don’t think twice about it. And, family always comes first. Mine have missed multiple games this year, I’m fine with that.