Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Team daughter.

A 24 yo can fend for himself. Even if living at home.

But declining to feed a 17 yo who <checks notes> worked a double <pause for effect>. Yeah, you should have made an effort to provide her a meal.

Why can't the meal provided be leftovers in the fridge? Or ingredients she can use to make her own dinner?

DP. There really is no reason. However this 17 year old just came off a double shift. I’d think you’d want to bring her something. At least I would. In my family when someone has a tough day, we try to do nice things for them and support them to make things easier for them.

Oh please. She wasn’t working in the coal mines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I think Im on the same page with you all. There is no doubt we feel we are responsible to provide her all her meals. That is not a question. If she works and we are home my husband or I cook a meal for her, or we cook later and wait to eat with her.
Since we were out on Friday, as I said, my next question to her would've been "What do you want". She hates where we went before we checked out.
So, it obviously hit me the wrong way with how she said it but she probably was hungry & tired. I'm just tired too, worn down and quite honestly feel unappreciated for anything. Last night, it was decided after 30 years of owning a b&m business my husband feels like we need to close.
I thought it was different that she would not make herself anything from pour some cereal to make a pancake, sandwich, anything.
But, like it's been said it's my fault.
As far as my son maybe he's right when he says all the parents bring home carryout, this is just the norm.
I think I've said everything, and I've never posted anywhere in my life so it's good to hear the varying opinions yet similar. Most I agree with. Thank you

There are so many words in your posts. You say it’s your responsibility to provide meals and yet, without notice, you didn’t provide one. Instead you keep complaining about your daughter, your tiredness, your business. I have no idea what your business was or why shutting it down matters here. Speaking clearly (and obviously with love) is going to help you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Team daughter.

A 24 yo can fend for himself. Even if living at home.

But declining to feed a 17 yo who <checks notes> worked a double <pause for effect>. Yeah, you should have made an effort to provide her a meal.

Why can't the meal provided be leftovers in the fridge? Or ingredients she can use to make her own dinner?

DP. There really is no reason. However this 17 year old just came off a double shift. I’d think you’d want to bring her something. At least I would. In my family when someone has a tough day, we try to do nice things for them and support them to make things easier for them.

Oh please. She wasn’t working in the coal mines.

DP, Some of you don’t have a warm caring nature towards your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Team daughter.

A 24 yo can fend for himself. Even if living at home.

But declining to feed a 17 yo who <checks notes> worked a double <pause for effect>. Yeah, you should have made an effort to provide her a meal.

I don’t know if this style of writing is meant to be cute or witty or what, but it’s not. You just come off as an ass.

DP, I hate the checks notes thing. I do agree with PP on her point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be real.
If you are serious, your kids are spoiled. If I’m not going to be home for dinner, my kids plan and prepare a meal for themselves (and leave some for me). They have done this since age 13.

This. I would tell your kid they can make themselves a sandwich in 2-3 minutes so hang up the phone and get to it.

I’m glad to live in a house where we treat each other a little more kindly.

[Anonymous]

Usually if our son wants to door dash something when we are going on a date that's fine (it's not often). But he will sometimes choose to cook for himself, which he knows how to do and he enjoys doing. He is 15.

If DH and I are stopping to grab something while running errands and heading home, we will ask DS if he wants something. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. We usually do this in any combination.

Also sometimes my DS will decide "I don't want sushi" and will opt to make himself something at home.

Do your kids know how to cook, even easy stuff, that they like?

[Anonymous]

If I don’t have dinner for our HS senior I Venmo him so he can get takeout. So I agree with your daughter, but at the very least you have a comms problem. I think you need to address his this will be handled beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Your children are spoiled out of their minds.

[Anonymous]

For me it depends on the specific situation. If we go out somewhere nice, I'd not bring back anything. Teens would know in advance we're going out for a special meal, and I'd say "hey, there's this and that in the fridge for you guys". If we go out because we're too lazy to cook and picking up something like Chipotle, then yes, I'd bring back. If it's a "let's order takeout" situation, then I'd order for teens too.

[Anonymous]

If I were working all day and DH wasn’t and then he decided to get dinner out I would of course be very pleased and touched if he picked up something for me as well and brought it home. It’s just kind of like those nice things people and families do for right? Obviously a 17-year-old can make her own food ((one would assume) but you did something nice for yours yourselves and she’s still a minor and part of the family (and was working!)) So I don’t really see how it’s better parenting not to bring her Home something to eat

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah. A double. You must be so tired and hungry. I left dinner in the fridge, or you can make a sandwich if you don’t like what I made. Love you. See you soon!

[Anonymous]

You set these expectations and your kids are now spoiled. I would have cooked a frozen pizza before I went out if I knew my kids was coming home late and hungry. Never once have I brought takeout home for my kids if they didn’t join us out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were working all day and DH wasn’t and then he decided to get dinner out I would of course be very pleased and touched if he picked up something for me as well and brought it home. It’s just kind of like those nice things people and families do for right? Obviously a 17-year-old can make her own food ((one would assume) but you did something nice for yours yourselves and she’s still a minor and part of the family (and was working!)) So I don’t really see how it’s better parenting not to bring her Home something to eat

But if he went to a place you hate, which is what happened in the OP, what then? Maybe he went there because he normally can’t because when you both go out you pick a place you both like. And this is one meal, it doesn’t mean OP never does anything ever for her kids. Who sound pretty spoiled by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

So you started this new rule as a punishment against your kids for not wanting to hang out with you? How does that apply to your minor child who worked a double shift?
The more you write the more AH vibes I get.

[Anonymous]

DD 22 is a college grad and expected to figure out her own dinner if we’re not home. If we are all eating takeout together then I will obviously offer to order something. I don’t ever bring home takeout when we have dined out. She can either pick something up herself or prepare a meal. DS 16 is a different story since he’s in HS. If DH and I will be dining out without him, I will make sure there’s leftovers or a frozen entree for him. Sometimes I will give him money to pick up takeout for himself.