Anyone else's kid graduating college without any social support network?

[Anonymous]

My DS had no friends in HS. Brought his guitar to college and made so many friends there. It also helped that the dorm he stayed had a piano and he met so many ladies with his guitar and piano skills. He will graduate next week.

[Anonymous]

My daughter made 2 close friends in college, but 1 is moving away after graduation so she will start her postgraduate life with just 1 local friend. Like others said, I think the pandemic affected this group most of all. They started college online. All the ways you are supposed to meet people in college - clubs, classes, parties, football games - were shut down. It may sound crazy, but I feel like my daughter never really gained her footing in college after missing out on everything freshman year. I hope she'll make friends at her job and grow her social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry your DD feels this way. I think our generation who attended college in the 1980s and 1990s may have built up expectations and oversold the college experience, especially when it comes to making lifelong friends. My sense is the vast majority of college student these days are deeply questioning the college experience and is it really worth it, not necessarily from an ROI perspective but more “what’s the point”. It’s not just a consequence of the Pandemic. Many of these kids are just going through the motions.

I agree. I don’t have lifelong friends from college (from elementary school, yes), but I had so much fun in college that I feel that I oversold the experience to my daughter. It’s different times now.

OP, best wishes to your daughter and hope she finds her people through work, hobbies, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will work after college. Hopefully she will befriend some of her coworkers.

I am really concerned about her though. She never found her social footing in high school. The pandemic worsened it. She doesn't talk to anyone from high school. College has been more of the same. Sometimes I wonder if she has high-functioning autism or ADHD, but we got her a neuropsych in September (when she started therapy) and they said no to both.

I would not count on this as many offices are in person for only two to three days a week. I would encourage her to find roommates in her new city and look for social activities to join. Given that she’s had difficulty making friends in both high school and college, I’d consider social skill therapy and an evaluation of whether her anxiety can be better controlled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

Did your kid not make friends with others on the sports team in HS? If she is playing her sport in college it will suck up an inordinate amount of time, so you need to make sure whatever impacted your daughter in HS isn't something that will just continue in college. The sports team will become an even larger part of the social network in college.

Initially the other girls on the sports team were kind and friendly but now they all have fake ID’s and go clubbing in DC every weekend or to exclusionary parties that she’s not invited to. It amazes me how these girls drink and even smoke pot on the regular but still maintain their athletic abilities (some at D1 level). Overall the team should have been more cohesive but it just didn’t work out that way-hoping the college team will be more serious and stay away from the substances but won’t know until she gets there. At least the school has the reputation for attracting a super smart and thoughtful crowd so I think she’ll fit in from that standpoint. It’s been really hard as a mom to watch all the exclusion and hurt feelings over the years-she did nothing to deserve such treatment-kids around here are terrible! I feel for the OP as it is tough for kind girls who aren’t aggressively marketing themselves on social media often get ignored.

If it’s a lifelong pattern, there is likely definitely something in your child’s behavior that contributes to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

This isn’t remotely true. Maybe it’s an issue with her elite private school.

+ 1. I think your daughter will be fine. I went to an elite, all girls HS and hated it. I was like the PP who hated her HS graduation. My College, workforce, adult life all fine! Just had to get away from those girls. And your daughter is a step ahead of many with a built in sports team. About partying, from my kids’ experience at college, there seems to be less partying than I would have thought. Kids seem to be into being active, healthy, getting good grades, general “hanging out “etc. Best of luck to your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't romanticize college friendships. I had people I was friendly with in college - we hung out and laughed and did stuff. I graduated, promptly moved away and never spoke with them again. I don't even remember any of their last names. No big deal.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

This isn’t remotely true. Maybe it’s an issue with her elite private school.

+ 1. I think your daughter will be fine. I went to an elite, all girls HS and hated it. I was like the PP who hated her HS graduation. My College, workforce, adult life all fine! Just had to get away from those girls. And your daughter is a step ahead of many with a built in sports team. About partying, from my kids’ experience at college, there seems to be less partying than I would have thought. Kids seem to be into being active, healthy, getting good grades, general “hanging out “etc. Best of luck to your daughter!

Thanks-I really hope you are right! The school is miserably cliquey-9th grade was Covid year and most agree their class never bonded properly. It’s just a sad culture of one-upsmanship that I think stems from parents dying for their kids to be “popular”. Next level, here we come!!

[Anonymous]

One other perspective - I grew up in a NY suburb and went to college in Florida. I didn't feel a deep connection with friends in either place in HS or college. It wasn't until I moved to California that I felt like I had "found my people."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread makes me nervous-my DD had a horrid experience in her DMV elite private school and we are counting on college being a better experience. This thread makes it clear that it isn’t necessarily better for everyone-and I don’t think her mental health can take another 4 years of exclusion and lack of meaningful peer relationships! She is quiet but athletic (will be on a sports team at school), whip smart and beautiful but not a big partier, which seems to be all kids her age want to do!!

Did your kid not make friends with others on the sports team in HS? If she is playing her sport in college it will suck up an inordinate amount of time, so you need to make sure whatever impacted your daughter in HS isn't something that will just continue in college. The sports team will become an even larger part of the social network in college.

Initially the other girls on the sports team were kind and friendly but now they all have fake ID’s and go clubbing in DC every weekend or to exclusionary parties that she’s not invited to. It amazes me how these girls drink and even smoke pot on the regular but still maintain their athletic abilities (some at D1 level). Overall the team should have been more cohesive but it just didn’t work out that way-hoping the college team will be more serious and stay away from the substances but won’t know until she gets there. At least the school has the reputation for attracting a super smart and thoughtful crowd so I think she’ll fit in from that standpoint. It’s been really hard as a mom to watch all the exclusion and hurt feelings over the years-she did nothing to deserve such treatment-kids around here are terrible! I feel for the OP as it is tough for kind girls who aren’t aggressively marketing themselves on social media often get ignored.

If it’s a lifelong pattern, there is likely definitely something in your child’s behavior that contributes to it.

That is not my takeaway from PP's post. PP, I am sorry. Hope your kid finds her people. I posted earlier about mine not having much of HS friends. Had similar issue with some group events being focused on drinking, and that is not her. Has found her group in college but it took a while. Some in this group are also drinking focused, but there is balance, and they respect her (and others) who don't mind people drinking but don't want that to be the focal point. Maturity helps. But, be prepared to keep encouraging your kid beyind the first semester. I think with this pandemic/phone generation, it can just take longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is also my DD! Graduating in 2 weeks and told me that they don’t have a single close friend at college. DD described life as “lonely.” DD does have a boyfriend, so that counts as some social interaction and friendship. She was always an extrovert, but spending the first year of college online during Covid changed that and changed her. She is anxious and anti-social. She doesn’t have a job yet, but I am hopeful a job will help her make friends. I am very, very nervous.

This was me in undergrad! Extroverted, had a boyfriend, but made no genuine friendships during undergrad. It was completely different than I expected. My social life really took off thereafter and so I hope these young women understand that it really can get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxious introverted family here.

This is how I felt at my high school graduation. My son had that experience as well. In college I made some friends, and I hope my son will too.

I hope your daughter is getting the professional help she needs. Making and keeping friends is hard work for some of us, and she might very well need a little extra years to figure that out.

BTW, I didn't make lifelong friends in college. I moved internationally quite a lot, and my best friends are women I met when our kids were in preschool, plus my best friend from Kindergarten (different country, different culture, different language)!

Your daughter doesn't need to replicate your life to have a great life of her own. Please remind yourself of this. I have nothing like the life either of my parents had. Yet by a lot of measures, I have a successful and happy one.

+1. Same, but daughter. She does not need to be you, nor take on your burden, OP. Say this to YOURSELF as often as necessary.

Some women implode slowly, and the first thing to go is their social skills. I can not speak for men, as I am not one.

Be the example for your daughter. Be social, damn those who are not. Show her how to suck it up when you do not want to, sometimes. There are some awfully weird creatures in your area. Don't be one of them, do better, be stronger, be the adult, be the example. Women in your area tend to tear each other down, be stronger than that. Show your daughter how.

You don't have to be "on" all the time, but show her how to get by. I miss my dear mum who could talk to anyone, from any walk of life, when THEY approached HER, and kept her for seemingly hours in the grocery. She was a good woman, and looked upon favorably in her community BECAUSE she knew how to acknowledge and entertain those from all different stratas - NOT because she thinks she is too good for (fill in the blank - usually the wrong person, who is the humble success - who could get her somewhere meaningful)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One other perspective - I grew up in a NY suburb and went to college in Florida. I didn't feel a deep connection with friends in either place in HS or college. It wasn't until I moved to California that I felt like I had "found my people."

LOVE THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe close the door on this chapter for her. Don't have her go to graduation. Take her on a great trip instead. Start her in therapy, help her begin a better chapter of her life. College, despite the way people talk, is not always "the best time of your life" - there is much to experience afterwards. Help her get there. But close this door for her.

I agree with this. I had a few friends from college, but not many. I didn’t go to my college graduation and it was fine. I’m a happy, well-adjusted adult who is married and who has several good friends.

Don’t make her go for you. Let her move on and find her way.

[Anonymous]

USC cancelled the main stage graduation, seems like as good a year as any to skip. Surprised this context wasn't mentioned.