Happily married. Also find myself fantasizing about cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My friend got used, dumped and then got caught. Husband divorced her. Older teens didn’t take it well.

Wait, how did she get caught if the guy had already dumped her??

She (the friend) was still married when her AP dumped her.

Her DH found out she had the affair and divorced her because of it.

Yeah. Men are much likelier to file for divorce.

Not a commentary on PP's story, but this is not correct. Women are much more likely to file for divorce -- nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

Women file overall for divorce, but when women cheat it’s always the men that file.

My DH did not file for divorce when I cheated.

I bet it depends a lot on whether or not the wife is still having sex with the husband.

A man might not like the idea of his wife cheating, but if they still have an active sex life, he might be able to chalk it ups to what to him is an understandable desire for variety or struggling with the idea of never having sex with someone new again (many men find those to be understandable feelings).

But if the marriage is dead and then cheating is discovered, the husband is going to feel like a chump and I think is more likely to want to leave. Especially if there is any financial imbalance in the marriage, because he will feel truly cuckolded -- he's supporting a woman who is only having sex with someone else.

With women I think the dynamics are different, and I think women (whether they realize it or not) are more likely to view cheating as unforgivable because of the risk of their husband impregnating another woman. I think the fear that a cheating husband will go start a family with someone else, and thus abandon her family, makes cheating by men feel more dangerous for women. Because you have no control over whether that other woman is using birth control.

I think this is true. I had an emotional affair and my husband was able to drop it pretty easily, mostly because we fixed the marriage and were having a lot of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your fling and move on. Leave no traces.

This is terrible advice! What if OP catches serious feelings and dude is just using her for sex? You know how humiliating that is? How much pain she would feel? Not just the broken heart and knowing you were used, but the guilt and shame on top.

No, definitely don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

NP, but I don’t think of it as limiting at all.

I don’t fantasize about cakes or alcohol or pasta either. I simply don’t eat them or think about them on a regular basis because they aren’t healthy and I choose not to live an unhealthy lifestyle.

I put fantasies about friends, acquaintances, and strangers in the same category. It’s an unhealthy practice so I choose to do healthier things with my mental energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

Oh yeah- so agree. And thought the sane thing of that smug nasty cheater. Proud of something so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

Oh yeah- so agree. And thought the sane thing of that smug nasty cheater. Proud of something so gross.

I never get that. What freaks. “Look I’m a dishonest whore and I got away with it! Aren’t I superior?”

There is a weird mental thing, if not just total lack of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

Literally I just didn't understand what PP was saying. This happened before her DH proposed? He lost a bunch of weight and then tried to sleep with a bunch of other people? And then he stopped having sex with others (or trying to) and proposed to the PP? And she said yes? What?

Also zero to do with this thread which is about someone deep into a marriage, developing an attraction to one person she doesn't intend to act on. How are these even within the realm of similar situations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

NP, but I don’t think of it as limiting at all.

I don’t fantasize about cakes or alcohol or pasta either. I simply don’t eat them or think about them on a regular basis because they aren’t healthy and I choose not to live an unhealthy lifestyle.

I put fantasies about friends, acquaintances, and strangers in the same category. It’s an unhealthy practice so I choose to do healthier things with my mental energy.

We're you a sex addict before marriage? Did you have sex with lots of people until it ruined your health, and then stop doing that so you were able to get married and have a healthy relationship? Because otherwise this analogy doesn't make sense.

It's more like someone who has been a healthy eater their entire life and never even dealt with cravings seeing something decadent and maybe delicious for the first time, knowing it's bad for them and resisting the urge to take a bite, but struggling with the temptation of it for the first time and asking for tips on how to manage that craving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

NP, but I don’t think of it as limiting at all.

I don’t fantasize about cakes or alcohol or pasta either. I simply don’t eat them or think about them on a regular basis because they aren’t healthy and I choose not to live an unhealthy lifestyle.

I put fantasies about friends, acquaintances, and strangers in the same category. It’s an unhealthy practice so I choose to do healthier things with my mental energy.

We're you a sex addict before marriage? Did you have sex with lots of people until it ruined your health, and then stop doing that so you were able to get married and have a healthy relationship? Because otherwise this analogy doesn't make sense.

It's more like someone who has been a healthy eater their entire life and never even dealt with cravings seeing something decadent and maybe delicious for the first time, knowing it's bad for them and resisting the urge to take a bite, but struggling with the temptation of it for the first time and asking for tips on how to manage that craving.

Oh, and you are responding with "oh if you are even thinking about an unhealthy food, even if you don't plan to eat it and know it's unhealthy, you are basically already unhealthy." Which (1) does not make sense, and (2) is not how the human brain works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

Oh yeah- so agree. And thought the sane thing of that smug nasty cheater. Proud of something so gross.

I never get that. What freaks. “Look I’m a dishonest whore and I got away with it! Aren’t I superior?”

There is a weird mental thing, if not just total lack of character.

Fat pride, cheater pride…it’s all the same to me. That’s how character erosion starts, and that leads to narcissism…

[Anonymous]

Lust, greed, gluttony, etc. I can’t claim credit for this analogy. I didn’t actually write it. I’m paraphrasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it, OP. I waded into that pool during my midlife crisis and ended up feeling used. Men love married women because they can use them and discard them. Feeling amazing for an hour compared to feeling discarded for days/weeks/months. It's better in your head than it will ever be in real life.

So you cheat on your husband and your regret is focused on how your AP(s) made you feel used and not on what you did to your DH? Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

Not in my opinion, PP. People who cheat or fantasize about cheating always harbor significant insecurities.

For example, look at the posts bragging about cheating and getting away with it. “Look at me! Look what I did!”

It’s a cry for attention and a sign of neediness.

I remember another child’s dad tried to lure me into something at a kids’ party a few years ago just before the pandemic and it was the same motivation. It was a dare. “I bet I can get her to…”

I literally overheard him say this to other dads when I went to find my child to bring him home. The party was ending.

It’s pathetic.

Oh yeah- so agree. And thought the sane thing of that smug nasty cheater. Proud of something so gross.

I never get that. What freaks. “Look I’m a dishonest whore and I got away with it! Aren’t I superior?”

There is a weird mental thing, if not just total lack of character.

Fat pride, cheater pride…it’s all the same to me. That’s how character erosion starts, and that leads to narcissism…

True and social media and shows today glorify this stuff.