Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course. When you marry a person, you marry their debts too. If she didn’t want to deal with his school debt, she shouldn’t have married him. They could’ve just cohabitated.

Where do you draw the line for debt not only pre-marriage but before you even met?

You marry a deadbeat dad, you should pay off all of his back child support?

What if your husband put your engagement ring on an Amex, you’d be happy about paying off your own engagement ring?

Go to ritzy private colleges, rack up a mortgage worth of debt, then coerce a new spouse—who made more responsible college decisions—to pay off the loans feels wrong. I’m sorry.

These are not apples to apples comparisons. Most likely the medical school debt will pay off in the future as higher earnings for the husband that will benefit them both. Back child support (or consumer debt for jewelry) isn't the same kind of debt.

It benefits her ONLY if they stay married. If they get divorced, she will have paid off the debt and she doesn't benefit from his income after divorce. Even if he cheats on her.

[Anonymous]

1) Yes, she should, unhesitatingly. Because that’s what married people do so that their loved ones can thrive.
2) And he should sign a postnup, unhesitatingly, saying that if they split she’ll get her premarital assets back. And that if he gets an inheritance, she gets her premarital assets back. Because that’s what ethical people do to make sure their loved ones are protected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was debt before the marriage? She should let him take care of it himself.

In the meantime she should pay all the bills out of her income and let him focus on his debt? What's the difference? She's no better off.

They both pay their bills half-and-half, and he pays down his debt with whatever he has left.

DP
Why even be married with those financial hang ups?

[Anonymous]

My husband technically paid of his student loan debt from "his" money, but I mean, we were married. We do each have separate savings accounts (in addition to joint accounts) but we know it's meaningless at the the end of the day.

I will say that mentally having "him" pay it off "himself" made me feel better about the debt at the time, when in reality it wasn't really just his money.

[Anonymous]

My husband hold a lot of debt from medical school. Our first home was a foreclosure so we got an excellent deal and I fixed it up over three years doing virtually all the work myself. We sold it for a big gain and used most of the gain to pay off his debt years ahead of schedule. It was a big win for the two of us.

[Anonymous]

Doctor here. Is he still in training or does he have an attending level job yet?

How long will he be in training total after ned school?

Asking because if he winds up working in public service including at an academic hospital and if that plus his training period combined equal ten years it could all be forgiven through the PSLF program. Years in training count towards PSLF. So if he trains for even three years, which is they bare minimum (many train for 5-7 years), and works as a professor for another 3-7, then he will qualify for PSLF and paying it off of their current earnings would be the wrong decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was debt before the marriage? She should let him take care of it himself.

In the meantime she should pay all the bills out of her income and let him focus on his debt? What's the difference? She's no better off.

They both pay their bills half-and-half, and he pays down his debt with whatever he has left.

OK so then there's nothing left over for a vacation, or private schools, or name your thing. But if you're going to say there's enough money to go around and pay for everything else, then what's the issue?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your daughter wants to have her cake and eat it too! She will get many benefits being the spouse of a doctor, but wants to balk at mutually paying down debt? Not a great start in a marriage to be so selfish.

That said, he should absolutely not be pressuring her. Spouses can and should have financial discussions, and if he's actually pressuring (rather than just happening to bring it up), that is a red flag on it's own. But the entire family benefits when debt is paid off, and that includes your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was debt before the marriage? She should let him take care of it himself.

In the meantime she should pay all the bills out of her income and let him focus on his debt? What's the difference? She's no better off.

They both pay their bills half-and-half, and he pays down his debt with whatever he has left.

DP
Why even be married with those financial hang ups?

is it really a marriage of one person is putting in way more effort than somebody else.

No, it’s not. It’s a child parent relationship.

[Anonymous]

No

- divorce attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your daughter wants to have her cake and eat it too! She will get many benefits being the spouse of a doctor, but wants to balk at mutually paying down debt? Not a great start in a marriage to be so selfish.

That said, he should absolutely not be pressuring her. Spouses can and should have financial discussions, and if he's actually pressuring (rather than just happening to bring it up), that is a red flag on it's own. But the entire family benefits when debt is paid off, and that includes your daughter.

She’s not gonna get more benefits. She already makes way more money.

She’s just looking for somebody to act like an equal.

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstance should she use her premarital assets to pay off his premarital debt.

Using both of their earned income during marriage towards his debt is the right thing to do, unless he can qualify for PSLF down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a dentist with over a hundred grand in student loan debt and 32 years ago. I had no debt. We worked 6 days a week to pay if off. We're a team.

+1
One team, one goal, successful, longlasting marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Yes, she should, unhesitatingly. Because that’s what married people do so that their loved ones can thrive.
2) And he should sign a postnup, unhesitatingly, saying that if they split she’ll get her premarital assets back. And that if he gets an inheritance, she gets her premarital assets back. Because that’s what ethical people do to make sure their loved ones are protected.

This is the correct answer. Do what's best for the marriage as a whole, with contingencies in case the marriage as a whole dissolves.

It wouldn't be impossible to get that money back in case of a divorce, but having the postnup in place would make things a lot simpler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's paying whether she likes it or not. He won't be able to contribute to the household expenses while he's paying down his debt.

If you are not a troll then this ^. And who doesn’t discuss student loan debt or debt prior to marriage. Unless you are marrying a doctor whose last name is Vanderbilt you should assume until told otherwise that they took out debt.

My husband and I discussed finances, including the fact that I had student loans from grad school, five months into our relationship when it was clear to both of us the relationship was progressing and we would likely get married (he proposed seven months later). I am almost done paying my loans off but we have joint accounts and joint assets and kids etc so it has been both of us paying my loans off.

(1) Was any of this discussed beforehand? If not, that is on both of them.
(2) The doctor can potentially choose a career path and workplaces that would allow for the loans to be paid off or
(3) Your daughter and her husband can figure out how to jointly pay off this debt like responsible adults. If he doesn’t put money towards his loans the interest will increase and you know the rest. It could also impact their ability to get a mortgage if it’s significant.