Heartburn from being full pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Everyone is offered loans. They just might not be subsidized. Nice try, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

I'm sorry. No doubt that felt awful. Because it was. It sounds like you did everything "right," and got in to a great school, yet it wasn't actually enough for you to go there because of something that was completely out of your hands. It sucked then and clearly still hurts.

But two things can be true at the same time. OP can be grateful and counting their blessings about the fact that they can pay. AND at the same time, they can be second-guessing their decision and feeling ambivalent about their family's choice.

It doesn't matter how much money someone has. Money has value to everyone, and OP is not alone in wondering if full pay to private college (or OOS state college) is worth the huge amount of extra money required.

In other words, it feels awful to think you might have made a major financial mistake, even if you can technically afford it. I think that's a universal feeling - something everyone can relate to no matter how much or how little money they have. Having enough money to pay full price for a private college is a massive blessing! But it does not mean someone is immune from buyer's regret or the thought that they acted naively or irresponsibly.

Agree, this is a very thoughtful response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are full pay. DS accepted with amazing merit to several schools. He chose to go to a top-rated SLAC sans merit. BEST choice ever. He is having an amazing experience and absolutely loves it. Unlike many of his high school friends, he has access to virtually unlimited resources (courses, professors, career services, clubs, internship stipends, housing etc.). Once you see your child thriving, you will not second guess this decision.

On to the matter of class divide: DS is best friends with a QuestBridge Scholar. Although many of his friends are wealthy, not all are. There is absolutely no division, stigma or animosity from either side. I'm calling BS on that.

the fact that the MOTHER of the friend of the Questbridge kid knows he's a Questbridge is gross. This is very "I'm not a racist! my son's best man is Black!" vibes

Please stop using the word “gross” completely out of context. Stepping in a pile of dogs**t is gross. Knowing your kid’s friend is Questbridge is inappropriate, but it’s not gross.

I assume you are the same poster who thinks literally everything with which you disagree is “gross”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are full pay. DS accepted with amazing merit to several schools. He chose to go to a top-rated SLAC sans merit. BEST choice ever. He is having an amazing experience and absolutely loves it. Unlike many of his high school friends, he has access to virtually unlimited resources (courses, professors, career services, clubs, internship stipends, housing etc.). Once you see your child thriving, you will not second guess this decision.

On to the matter of class divide: DS is best friends with a QuestBridge Scholar. Although many of his friends are wealthy, not all are. There is absolutely no division, stigma or animosity from either side. I'm calling BS on that.

the fact that the MOTHER of the friend of the Questbridge kid knows he's a Questbridge is gross. This is very "I'm not a racist! my son's best man is Black!" vibes

Please stop using the word “gross” completely out of context. Stepping in a pile of dogs**t is gross. Knowing your kid’s friend is Questbridge is inappropriate, but it’s not gross.

I assume you are the same poster who thinks literally everything with which you disagree is “gross”.

hey boomer, language evolves. it's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are full pay. DS accepted with amazing merit to several schools. He chose to go to a top-rated SLAC sans merit. BEST choice ever. He is having an amazing experience and absolutely loves it. Unlike many of his high school friends, he has access to virtually unlimited resources (courses, professors, career services, clubs, internship stipends, housing etc.). Once you see your child thriving, you will not second guess this decision.

On to the matter of class divide: DS is best friends with a QuestBridge Scholar. Although many of his friends are wealthy, not all are. There is absolutely no division, stigma or animosity from either side. I'm calling BS on that.

the fact that the MOTHER of the friend of the Questbridge kid knows he's a Questbridge is gross. This is very "I'm not a racist! my son's best man is Black!" vibes

Please stop using the word “gross” completely out of context. Stepping in a pile of dogs**t is gross. Knowing your kid’s friend is Questbridge is inappropriate, but it’s not gross.

I assume you are the same poster who thinks literally everything with which you disagree is “gross”.

hey boomer, language evolves. it's okay.

Yeah, sorry…this isn’t a boomer thing at all (considering I’m not even close to being a boomer).

I don’t know anyone that talks like this iof any age, and certainly nobody that’s GenZ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the commiserating comments. I would never say any of this to anyone IRL so it is helpful to have DCUM to bounce thoughts off of. I realize how fortunate we are (through hard work along the way of our own), but the PP is right who said we still have to wonder whether we are making the right financial decision. Esp. because DD is not currently into finance, law, engineering etc. so the fancy degree may or may not pay off in the long run. In the end, yes, I would sacrifice some vacations to let DD go where she really wants even if we will never know whether the investment pays off, if that is even the goal.

I may be the PP you're referring to, and for what it's worth, I think you should lean in and choose to feel great about the decision you all made!

I'm just one person, but I'm the first in my family to go away to an expensive private college. (My parents were both the first in their families to go to college at all, but they did it by living at home with their highly dysfunctional families while working their way through city college at night.)

But from the start, my parents truly believed in the value of "elite" college experience. They started saving for college before my siblings and I were born, and they chose to work their butts off and live below their means at every stage to save enough money to offer us full tuition to whatever college we chose. They did so well on this front that we received no financial aid at all - it was full pay all the way.

My siblings and I knew at the time what an incredible gift that was. And as adults, we now understand even more what they gave up to provide it (both time, in terms of their work, and all the other things they could have done with that money!) But we also knew then and know now that it was also an expression of their particular values and their way of demonstrating their love and belief in us.

Other parents joked with ours about how they could have sent us to our state college AND gotten us each a car for so much less money than the schools we chose. But my parents always said our insane tuition was "the best money [they] ever spent.

That statement (which we've heard multiple times) and their approach to paying for college helped us to feel good about our choice (not guilty) and to value our college experiences from start to finish. We went on to become (and remain) financially self-sufficient from the day we graduated college, even when it meant living more humbly than some of our friends (and our parents' standard of living in the beginning.) We were ok skipping some of the luxuries/experiences around us because it meant we were standing on our own two feet (albeit with the HUGE head start our parents gave us with college.) And these days, we are all financially secure, well beyond what our parents ever imagined back in night school 50+ years ago.

Anyway, I'm just one person and we're just one family. In no way am I saying that payiing full price to your DD's dream school is the only good choice you could make here. Others might have chosen a different route, with great outcomes, too. But the one your family chose will bring it's own upside. Drop the doubts and trust your judgment. Over the next four years, help your DD learn what she needs to in order to be financially self-sufficient when she graduates, even if it means making some compromises along the way. (Entry level jobs and lower-paying career choices mean a lower cost of living. It is what it is, even in the age of Instragram.)

And above all else, keep showering your DD with support and cheer her success as she moves forward with the school she chose. Keep on appreciating the fact that you can afford this path. Yes, it required hard work, but so many families work equally hard and still can't afford it. And trust that this will pay off for your DD and others in ways you can't even imagine at this stage. There are so many ways to raise a happy and successful adult. Congratulations on the path you all chose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the commiserating comments. I would never say any of this to anyone IRL so it is helpful to have DCUM to bounce thoughts off of. I realize how fortunate we are (through hard work along the way of our own), but the PP is right who said we still have to wonder whether we are making the right financial decision. Esp. because DD is not currently into finance, law, engineering etc. so the fancy degree may or may not pay off in the long run. In the end, yes, I would sacrifice some vacations to let DD go where she really wants even if we will never know whether the investment pays off, if that is even the goal.

I may be the PP you're referring to, and for what it's worth, I think you should lean in and choose to feel great about the decision you all made!

I'm just one person, but I'm the first in my family to go away to an expensive private college. (My parents were both the first in their families to go to college at all, but they did it by living at home with their highly dysfunctional families while working their way through city college at night.)

But from the start, my parents truly believed in the value of "elite" college experience. They started saving for college before my siblings and I were born, and they chose to work their butts off and live below their means at every stage to save enough money to offer us full tuition to whatever college we chose. They did so well on this front that we received no financial aid at all - it was full pay all the way.

My siblings and I knew at the time what an incredible gift that was. And as adults, we now understand even more what they gave up to provide it (both time, in terms of their work, and all the other things they could have done with that money!) But we also knew then and know now that it was also an expression of their particular values and their way of demonstrating their love and belief in us.

Other parents joked with ours about how they could have sent us to our state college AND gotten us each a car for so much less money than the schools we chose. But my parents always said our insane tuition was "the best money [they] ever spent.

That statement (which we've heard multiple times) and their approach to paying for college helped us to feel good about our choice (not guilty) and to value our college experiences from start to finish. We went on to become (and remain) financially self-sufficient from the day we graduated college, even when it meant living more humbly than some of our friends (and our parents' standard of living in the beginning.) We were ok skipping some of the luxuries/experiences around us because it meant we were standing on our own two feet (albeit with the HUGE head start our parents gave us with college.) And these days, we are all financially secure, well beyond what our parents ever imagined back in night school 50+ years ago.

Anyway, I'm just one person and we're just one family. In no way am I saying that payiing full price to your DD's dream school is the only good choice you could make here. Others might have chosen a different route, with great outcomes, too. But the one your family chose will bring it's own upside. Drop the doubts and trust your judgment. Over the next four years, help your DD learn what she needs to in order to be financially self-sufficient when she graduates, even if it means making some compromises along the way. (Entry level jobs and lower-paying career choices mean a lower cost of living. It is what it is, even in the age of Instragram.)

And above all else, keep showering your DD with support and cheer her success as she moves forward with the school she chose. Keep on appreciating the fact that you can afford this path. Yes, it required hard work, but so many families work equally hard and still can't afford it. And trust that this will pay off for your DD and others in ways you can't even imagine at this stage. There are so many ways to raise a happy and successful adult. Congratulations on the path you all chose!

Love this response and the outlook.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have a 12th grader and I think that the decisions about college applications and choice are just really hard. Our DC was rejected ED from a high reach school. Now seeing others in at their schools while waiting for RD, we wonder whether the ED should have been used for a more likely school. But DC wasn’t ready to give up the dream of the reach school.

And in terms of what school to choose, we are also technically able to do full pay but it’s still hard to know whether it would be worth it. DC received some nice merit at some schools, and when we look at the numbers it seems crazy to spend six figures more for one school rather than another. But also hard to know what opportunities would be lost going to a lower ranked school/program.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is why I didn’t let DC apply ED even though we technically can afford 90k a year. I just don’t think college is worth 90k a year, even the Ivies. Luckily it’s not the norm to apply ED at my kid’s school, so there wasn’t any external pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Everyone is offered loans. They just might not be subsidized. Nice try, though.

Everyone is not offered loans sufficient to cover tuition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD got into a good (for them) school ED. Was a reach but not a tippy top school. She is passing up merit aid at several similar schools to go to ED school. We get no FA and can afford to pay the tuition, not easily, but we can do it. Is my DD going to be one of the few people at school who is paying the full amount with NO merit aid? I guess my question is what percent of kids at schools like BC, BU, Villanova, NE - very good schools but not the absolute top - pay full freight with absolutely no merit aid? BTW, these are not the schools DD is going to but I wanted to give some basis of comparison.

These are choices you make in life and you made this one. I don't know why you would care if others are in your boat unless you aren't comfortable with your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are full pay. DS accepted with amazing merit to several schools. He chose to go to a top-rated SLAC sans merit. BEST choice ever. He is having an amazing experience and absolutely loves it. Unlike many of his high school friends, he has access to virtually unlimited resources (courses, professors, career services, clubs, internship stipends, housing etc.). Once you see your child thriving, you will not second guess this decision.

On to the matter of class divide: DS is best friends with a QuestBridge Scholar. Although many of his friends are wealthy, not all are. There is absolutely no division, stigma or animosity from either side. I'm calling BS on that.

the fact that the MOTHER of the friend of the Questbridge kid knows he's a Questbridge is gross. This is very "I'm not a racist! my son's best man is Black!" vibes

Please stop using the word “gross” completely out of context. Stepping in a pile of dogs**t is gross. Knowing your kid’s friend is Questbridge is inappropriate, but it’s not gross.

I assume you are the same poster who thinks literally everything with which you disagree is “gross”.

How is it inappropriate? School districts put out press releases to announce kids who are Questbridge scholars. Colleges publicize it too. It's a huge accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Everyone is offered loans. They just might not be subsidized. Nice try, though.

Everyone is not offered loans sufficient to cover tuition

Who said they were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Everyone is offered loans. They just might not be subsidized. Nice try, though.

Everyone is not offered loans sufficient to cover tuition

Exactly. Let alone housing or a meal plan or books or any of the other crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Everyone is offered loans. They just might not be subsidized. Nice try, though.

Everyone is not offered loans sufficient to cover tuition

Who said they were?

All the nasty people saying PP chose not to go when parents couldn’t pay. Clueless.