Intellectually Pretentious DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have her point out what other kids at school are good at - and not just academically. Also you might be doing her a disservice by focusing on her "brilliance." We don't mention intelligence to our children, even though they're smart, because we want to foster a growth mindset.

Thank you and the other posters for all the good ideas.

“growth mindset” is a debunked pop psychological notion. not sure what this attitude is that you should for some reason hide your child’s aptitudes from them. adults thrive by knowing what they are good at - weird that we would think kids should be kept in the dark about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be worried that she’s a PITA.

Op here. She's cute. But even I find it obnoxious sometimes. How can she learn to turn this off?

She’s cute to you, not so much to people unrelated to her. How did it begin? And they don’t list grades on the board, it’s not law school. How would she know she got the second highest grade. Also, why would she even have a copy of Macbeth? I think she’s trying to impress you and probably starting to lie to impress you. Think about how you might have encouraged it.

Why are you immediately assuming OP or her daughter are liars? When I was in elementary school, one of my teachers announced who got the top three highest scores after every test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but I missed where you said what you were doing about this?

DS was like this when he was younger (3-5). He was precocious as well and an only child at the time so he received constant praise from us and other adults.

It was cute, until he started school and was known to correct teachers and get frustrated when classmates “took too long” to respond. We had to have a talk (or many) discussing how it wasn’t his place to lead the classroom, how it wasn’t the “Larlo show”, and that other children, and people in general, process information in different ways and different rates and that doesn’t make anyone better than anyone else.

We also had to inform him that he wouldn’t always necessarily be the brightest kid in class and as with most things in life being ahead of the pack requires consistency and work. He’s chilled out considerably since then but those were some obnoxious years and yes, nobody likes a know-it-all.

Another one who most certainly wasn’t cute. What could he have possibly corrected the teacher about in preschool? Plus you have no idea who is the brightest in the class.

Another anonymous blowhard

? Seriously is there a notice somewhere in kindergarten stating who the brightest kid is in the class? Because a lot of parents seem to have this information. And I’m looking for an example of correcting a teacher. Is it when the teacher misspeaks the kid has to comment? I can’t figure that one out.

I mean, the teacher will tell you. One teacher told us they were getting in new material because they had never had a child as advanced as ours in reading. It actually doesn’t change how you handle it. Bragging is no good and there’s lots to life besides being smart. If I could wave a magic wand to trade 10 IQ points to make my kids life easier in other ways I’d do it.

Such a cross to bear! Gandhi ain’t got nothing on you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but I missed where you said what you were doing about this?

DS was like this when he was younger (3-5). He was precocious as well and an only child at the time so he received constant praise from us and other adults.

It was cute, until he started school and was known to correct teachers and get frustrated when classmates “took too long” to respond. We had to have a talk (or many) discussing how it wasn’t his place to lead the classroom, how it wasn’t the “Larlo show”, and that other children, and people in general, process information in different ways and different rates and that doesn’t make anyone better than anyone else.

We also had to inform him that he wouldn’t always necessarily be the brightest kid in class and as with most things in life being ahead of the pack requires consistency and work. He’s chilled out considerably since then but those were some obnoxious years and yes, nobody likes a know-it-all.

Another one who most certainly wasn’t cute. What could he have possibly corrected the teacher about in preschool? Plus you have no idea who is the brightest in the class.

Another anonymous blowhard

? Seriously is there a notice somewhere in kindergarten stating who the brightest kid is in the class? Because a lot of parents seem to have this information. And I’m looking for an example of correcting a teacher. Is it when the teacher misspeaks the kid has to comment? I can’t figure that one out.

I mean, the teacher will tell you. One teacher told us they were getting in new material because they had never had a child as advanced as ours in reading. It actually doesn’t change how you handle it. Bragging is no good and there’s lots to life besides being smart. If I could wave a magic wand to trade 10 IQ points to make my kids life easier in other ways I’d do it.

Such a cross to bear! Gandhi ain’t got nothing on you

DP. Well you will hate me! I am perfectly happy to brag about my DS’s highly gifted scores because he is 2E and struggling in other areas. You sound extremely insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In second grade, my husband's teacher told my MIL that he was intellectually disabled because he was so slow. He actually had a learning disability. He made 600k last year working at a FAANG. I'm saying this just to brag a little, like OP. Also to point out that there are lots of ways to be smart, and sometimes they aren't that obvious in a second grade classroom.

Big deal

DP. It actually is a big deal. A lot of you parent to have bragging rights over the wholly insignificant “accomplishments” of a 10 year old, instead of having any perspective about what matters on a more permanent basis. Good on that woman’s DH and MIL. He probably learned resilience and perseverance more than any snotty, impossible to be around braggart and the parents who have tolerated it because it’s “cute.” IJS.

some people are VERY defensive here.

the fact is that intelligence is on a spectrum. one type of intelligence is fast processing speed and high working memory. kids who finish their school work first and are able to read complex texts are likely high in these aspects of IQ compared to their classmates. The girl is only 7 and she notices this. Just like we would not castigate a child who noticed they were slower, it’s nasty to castigate a 7 year old for noticing she is indeed faster.

in addition kids vary in motivation. some have high IQs but don’t care about doing what the teacher wants (my kid!). Others are perceptive about what the assignment is and want to do it correctly. again this is a relative strength that the girl is noticing.

there’s something odd about a parent seeing this as “intellectually pretentious” as opposed to a young child noticing their differences. Yes some of the statements come off as rude and should be corrected. but overall the child should be supported and encouraged through appropriate challenges.

No one is “castigating” the kid who isn’t reading here, and who is apparently obnoxious as all hell. This was a response to someone -actually- being nasty to a poster sharing that her husband was identified incorrectly as intellectually disabled, pointing out the kind of classroom dynamic OP may not be aware of because she’s taken the comments as “cute.” It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else feel like when they watch Gilmore Girls… Paris won’t let up.

Someone needed to tell Paris to knock it off years before the show started. But her character must have had enabling / condoning / praising parents. And no one else could get through to her.

I think OP is doing fine just noticing and looking for a way to curb this. Kid will be fine! There’s a reason a character like Paris is extreme and fictional.

Most kids can be told that it will hurt them socially.

Not exactly the same, but see also the Netflix movie Leo (about the lizard. The little girl is a talkative know it all, not a brag. There’s another girl who does brag too).

And Hermione from HP books.

[Anonymous]

"I bet it feels good to (finish first, whatever)".

"Do you ever worry that some folks might feel like talking about how wonderful you are might be bragging? What is bragging, can you tell me? What's the difference between being self confident and bragging?"

Also there are kids books about bragging on Amazon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be worried that she’s a PITA.

Op here. She's cute. But even I find it obnoxious sometimes. How can she learn to turn this off?

She’s cute to you, not so much to people unrelated to her. How did it begin? And they don’t list grades on the board, it’s not law school. How would she know she got the second highest grade. Also, why would she even have a copy of Macbeth? I think she’s trying to impress you and probably starting to lie to impress you. Think about how you might have encouraged it.

Why are you immediately assuming OP or her daughter are liars? When I was in elementary school, one of my teachers announced who got the top three highest scores after every test.

Op here, I'm concerned that she is overly focused on this. In her case, she actually asks the teacher how she ranked, and the teacher often tells her. I don't want to get too involved, she has to make her own mistakes in life just like I did.

I was looking for advice on redirecting her and helping her be more likable to others. Thank you to the posters who gave me good advice and food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I bet it feels good to (finish first, whatever)".

"Do you ever worry that some folks might feel like talking about how wonderful you are might be bragging? What is bragging, can you tell me? What's the difference between being self confident and bragging?"

Also there are kids books about bragging on Amazon.

Thank you very much

[Anonymous]

She has to learn that there are different and equally important ways of being intelligent. And you can start pointing out and praising those other ways to her. Emotional intelligence is one of them. And she has to understand that some kids are more academic while other kids have different ways of excelling. Praise her for other ways of being excellent, and especially praise her for effort, not just because she’s lucky and schoolwork comes easy to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In second grade, my husband's teacher told my MIL that he was intellectually disabled because he was so slow. He actually had a learning disability. He made 600k last year working at a FAANG. I'm saying this just to brag a little, like OP. Also to point out that there are lots of ways to be smart, and sometimes they aren't that obvious in a second grade classroom.

Big deal

DP. It actually is a big deal. A lot of you parent to have bragging rights over the wholly insignificant “accomplishments” of a 10 year old, instead of having any perspective about what matters on a more permanent basis. Good on that woman’s DH and MIL. He probably learned resilience and perseverance more than any snotty, impossible to be around braggart and the parents who have tolerated it because it’s “cute.” IJS.

some people are VERY defensive here.

the fact is that intelligence is on a spectrum. one type of intelligence is fast processing speed and high working memory. kids who finish their school work first and are able to read complex texts are likely high in these aspects of IQ compared to their classmates. The girl is only 7 and she notices this. Just like we would not castigate a child who noticed they were slower, it’s nasty to castigate a 7 year old for noticing she is indeed faster.

in addition kids vary in motivation. some have high IQs but don’t care about doing what the teacher wants (my kid!). Others are perceptive about what the assignment is and want to do it correctly. again this is a relative strength that the girl is noticing.

there’s something odd about a parent seeing this as “intellectually pretentious” as opposed to a young child noticing their differences. Yes some of the statements come off as rude and should be corrected. but overall the child should be supported and encouraged through appropriate challenges.

No one is “castigating” the kid who isn’t reading here, and who is apparently obnoxious as all hell. This was a response to someone -actually- being nasty to a poster sharing that her husband was identified incorrectly as intellectually disabled, pointing out the kind of classroom dynamic OP may not be aware of because she’s taken the comments as “cute.” It is what it is.

yeah a lot of people here are really worked up by a little girl who knows she is smarter/more advanced than her classmates. clearly a trigger that goes beyond the rude comments that do need to be corrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be worried that she’s a PITA.

Op here. She's cute. But even I find it obnoxious sometimes. How can she learn to turn this off?

She’s cute to you, not so much to people unrelated to her. How did it begin? And they don’t list grades on the board, it’s not law school. How would she know she got the second highest grade. Also, why would she even have a copy of Macbeth? I think she’s trying to impress you and probably starting to lie to impress you. Think about how you might have encouraged it.

Why are you immediately assuming OP or her daughter are liars? When I was in elementary school, one of my teachers announced who got the top three highest scores after every test.

Op here, I'm concerned that she is overly focused on this. In her case, she actually asks the teacher how she ranked, and the teacher often tells her. I don't want to get too involved, she has to make her own mistakes in life just like I did.

I was looking for advice on redirecting her and helping her be more likable to others. Thank you to the posters who gave me good advice and food for thought.

I’m a little worried you are more concerned about making her “likable” than making sure she is academically challenged. There’s something very off about it. You didn’t have to come to DCUM to know that you can tell her “yes you did the best on the test but don’t brag. good job!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has to learn that there are different and equally important ways of being intelligent. And you can start pointing out and praising those other ways to her. Emotional intelligence is one of them. And she has to understand that some kids are more academic while other kids have different ways of excelling. Praise her for other ways of being excellent, and especially praise her for effort, not just because she’s lucky and schoolwork comes easy to her.

why gaslight her though? I guess I don’t have any issues with talking about different kinds of important characteristics. but as conventionally defined she does in fact sound more intelligent than her classmates. it seems psychologically damaging to want to put her in her place and not encourage her to achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In second grade, my husband's teacher told my MIL that he was intellectually disabled because he was so slow. He actually had a learning disability. He made 600k last year working at a FAANG. I'm saying this just to brag a little, like OP. Also to point out that there are lots of ways to be smart, and sometimes they aren't that obvious in a second grade classroom.

Big deal

DP. It actually is a big deal. A lot of you parent to have bragging rights over the wholly insignificant “accomplishments” of a 10 year old, instead of having any perspective about what matters on a more permanent basis. Good on that woman’s DH and MIL. He probably learned resilience and perseverance more than any snotty, impossible to be around braggart and the parents who have tolerated it because it’s “cute.” IJS.

some people are VERY defensive here.

the fact is that intelligence is on a spectrum. one type of intelligence is fast processing speed and high working memory. kids who finish their school work first and are able to read complex texts are likely high in these aspects of IQ compared to their classmates. The girl is only 7 and she notices this. Just like we would not castigate a child who noticed they were slower, it’s nasty to castigate a 7 year old for noticing she is indeed faster.

in addition kids vary in motivation. some have high IQs but don’t care about doing what the teacher wants (my kid!). Others are perceptive about what the assignment is and want to do it correctly. again this is a relative strength that the girl is noticing.

there’s something odd about a parent seeing this as “intellectually pretentious” as opposed to a young child noticing their differences. Yes some of the statements come off as rude and should be corrected. but overall the child should be supported and encouraged through appropriate challenges.

I don't agree with everything in this comment but I do think the bolded is relevant. I have unusually good processing speed and it absolutely can cause social issues that I have had to address throughout my life. It takes a special skill set, because it means you often have to listen to people work through something you already understand, raise questions you've already thought through, figure out how to explain things that feel intuitive to you, or explain things slowly and with breaks that you wouldn't need in order to get. I know this makes me sound like an intolerable know-it-all, but I'm not smart one very way. I am a very fast learner, though, and I have the ability to synthesize information very fast. It has been very helpful in my career (used to be a trial attorney, now work in consulting and it makes me very good on my feet with difficult clients). But you have to learn a whole different set of social skills that I don't think everyone needs to learn, in order to be a good conversationalist and keep yourself from interrupting people all the time (because you already understand their point and are ready to move on) or dominating conversations (because you aren't giving people a chance to process the discussion before moving on).

I think it's worth acknowledging to your DD that there is something unique about her ability to catch on to lessons very quickly, work through assignments fast without making mistakes, etc. But then also explain that it's okay that not everyone is like this and that other people have other strengths. Let her be proud of her own strength but in a way that acknowledges there are other good ways to be. My DH is very smart but has a much slower processing time than I do. This is actually advantageous in his work, which moves much slower than mine and involves many more layers of review and discussion (he works in engineering and architectural design). I wouldn't have the patience for it. He's not dumb just because his brain doesn't work like mine, and in some ways he's smarter than I am. But I pick things up faster than he does, especially new concepts, and have a unique ability to combine concepts from different disciplines and figure out how they work together. We're both smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous"I always finish my work the first in the class. I don't know why it takes everyone else so long!"

Some things come faster to some people, while others come slower. Like you're still learning to be polite. Don't worry, you'll get there!

I remember that most people who finished first were too careless/didn't actually know the material and got bad grades.