12 yo daughter groped at school...at least twice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to give you some insight into what goes through a shy depressed girls brain when she is being sexually harassed like this. I was your daughter, and I was sexually harassed repeatedly in my teens and twenties. In my teens a swim teammate (boy, it was coed) pulled my swimsuit down around my waist every single day for weeks. I was too embarrassed to ask my mom for a new “swim team” type suit and wore my beach suit. He would swim up behind me. Everyone knew, no one did anything.

I was big and strong. I could have decked the kid, held him underwater, kicked him in the nuts. I did all those things to my big brother! But all I wanted to do was disappear. Having attention called to me was more painful than the harassment. There is also a voice in your head that says “maybe this is okay - maybe he’s allowed to do this - maybe if I say something everyone will laugh at me for making a fuss.” That voice in my head allowed me to be groped on buses, trains, streets and airplanes for the next 10 years.

That voice prevented me from saying a decisive clear NO in my 20s when I didn’t want to sleep with an ex boyfriend who invited me over for a movie.

You don’t need to get her self defense class, though I’m sure that is great. You need to figure out how to change the voice in her head that says other people have rights to her body, and that people paying attention to her will humiliate her. That’s what is preventing her from standing up for herself.

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP.

Really sorry for your experience. And thank you, everyone suggesting OP's DD react and yell and deck the abuser really don't understand the internal struggle and voices and twisted oppressive voices that are baked into society even today for girls that make it especially hard for a "private, anxious" girl to establish clear boundaries and say "No!" Thanks for sharing your perspective, hope you're ok & able to stop abusers in their tracks with you now. Or that you're further along than before.

Thanks, PP. I am well. I’m 50 now, and it’s a long time ago. The memories are old and don’t normally occur to me, but when they do I still feel a burning anger. I’m one of those women who others thing “that could never have happened to her, she’s so strong and confident.” I wasn’t when I was young, but I got there. I’m sure OP’s daughter will too, with time.

Very happy to hear you are well! I used to do domestic violence counseling, and that's where I learned how you can never assume anyone is "too strong" or "too fierce" or "too happy" to ever be going through nightmares of abuse. I met many who were seen by their families, peers and community as "impossible to be victims". No one is impossible to be victimized, sadly. I'm really glad you're well now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to give you some insight into what goes through a shy depressed girls brain when she is being sexually harassed like this. I was your daughter, and I was sexually harassed repeatedly in my teens and twenties. In my teens a swim teammate (boy, it was coed) pulled my swimsuit down around my waist every single day for weeks. I was too embarrassed to ask my mom for a new “swim team” type suit and wore my beach suit. He would swim up behind me. Everyone knew, no one did anything.

I was big and strong. I could have decked the kid, held him underwater, kicked him in the nuts. I did all those things to my big brother! But all I wanted to do was disappear. Having attention called to me was more painful than the harassment. There is also a voice in your head that says “maybe this is okay - maybe he’s allowed to do this - maybe if I say something everyone will laugh at me for making a fuss.” That voice in my head allowed me to be groped on buses, trains, streets and airplanes for the next 10 years.

That voice prevented me from saying a decisive clear NO in my 20s when I didn’t want to sleep with an ex boyfriend who invited me over for a movie.

You don’t need to get her self defense class, though I’m sure that is great. You need to figure out how to change the voice in her head that says other people have rights to her body, and that people paying attention to her will humiliate her. That’s what is preventing her from standing up for herself.

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP.

Really sorry for your experience. And thank you, everyone suggesting OP's DD react and yell and deck the abuser really don't understand the internal struggle and voices and twisted oppressive voices that are baked into society even today for girls that make it especially hard for a "private, anxious" girl to establish clear boundaries and say "No!" Thanks for sharing your perspective, hope you're ok & able to stop abusers in their tracks with you now. Or that you're further along than before.

Thanks, PP. I am well. I’m 50 now, and it’s a long time ago. The memories are old and don’t normally occur to me, but when they do I still feel a burning anger. I’m one of those women who others thing “that could never have happened to her, she’s so strong and confident.” I wasn’t when I was young, but I got there. I’m sure OP’s daughter will too, with time.

I'm sorry pp. I know that burning anger, too. At the groper and at the teacher I told who just told me to avoid him and changed the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “devious licks” thing is old, I remember getting the same thing a few years ago and some idiot kid actually vandalized a schoo bathroom and “blamed it on TikTok”.
I don’t let my kids go in tiktok.
Op, please speak with the school immediately and advocate for your child. Simply because she is shy and doesn’t want a fuss made doesn’t mean she needs to sit back and take abuse and assault. And this is assault. Please get her help!

Just FYI - don't be naive. If your kids have access to YouTube, then they're seeing every single thing posted on TikTok.

I’m not naive. They don’t have access to YouTube either unless it’s with a parent’s direct approval and for a school or extracurricular assignment.
There are ways to keep your kids off TikTok and my kids are fine with it. They are not interested in being fed misinformation.

Just curious, how old are your kids? Do they have phones? Do their friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “devious licks” thing is old, I remember getting the same thing a few years ago and some idiot kid actually vandalized a schoo bathroom and “blamed it on TikTok”.
I don’t let my kids go in tiktok.
Op, please speak with the school immediately and advocate for your child. Simply because she is shy and doesn’t want a fuss made doesn’t mean she needs to sit back and take abuse and assault. And this is assault. Please get her help!

Just FYI - don't be naive. If your kids have access to YouTube, then they're seeing every single thing posted on TikTok.

I’m not naive. They don’t have access to YouTube either unless it’s with a parent’s direct approval and for a school or extracurricular assignment.
There are ways to keep your kids off TikTok and my kids are fine with it. They are not interested in being fed misinformation.

Just curious, how old are your kids? Do they have phones? Do their friends?

Older 2 are 14 and 11. Oldest has an iPhone and lots of friends. We allowed her to get snap this year when she started hs but it’s monitored and she knows we can check her phone anytime. She doesn’t have any other social media. She has tons of friends and is a very social kid. Some of her friends have sm and TikTok and I know she has occasionally seen videos on their phones but she doesn’t have an interest in seeing more. She’s a very smart and driven kid, organized and meticulous, excels in school and her extracurricular activities and is happy.

11yo has a “phone” but she’s not allowed to take it out of the house except for emergencies when she’s going somewhere alone. Otherwise it’s basically like an iPod and she uses it to text her friends and listen to music. She’s also a smart kid who excels in school and outside activities and has lots of friends. Her teachers describe her as a model student, a leader and someone they are happy to have in class. She’s much messier and less organized than her older sister at home but apparently does extremely well in school. She’s also very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time somebody assaults her (and there will be a next time), she needs to grab hold of them, hang on until she is dragged off, and in the meantime do everything she possibly can to visibly and painfully injure the attacker, all the while screaming “stop molesting me” at the top of her lungs. Practice gently at home. Get the therapist involved. She is exuding “victim” signals. That needs to change. And training to defend herself will help her depression too. Look up DC IMPACT, which offers self defense classes for women that include the opportunity to pound the hell out of a padded attacker.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

I know for a fact that some girls are being groped at a school in my district by a boy who had similar issues at another school. The current school administrators do not seem aware of the events at the previous school. As a parent, you should absolutely call the police. You have to tell your child that it is not okay to ignore this, and other girls have to be protected. The therapist can help her come to terms with you telling, and she probably wants you to on some level. This is horrible and scary for you and her, but your parenting requires her to be kept safe. The courts will move the other kid.

Please report this.

[Anonymous]

Report this to the police today!
Once the report is done inform the school.
Empower your daughter to defend herself, hit, scream or kick him in the balls if he gropes her again.

[Anonymous]

This is hard. You report to the police and it may make her anxiety and depression so much worse. Multiple adults will have to be involved and talk to her, they will probably call in multiple students to try and get a witness of what occurred, otherwise it is he said/she said. Basically everyone will know and be talking about it. While the kid may be punished, it may make things 100x worse for her at school. Personally, I would try to have it handled through school admin first- above the teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Report this to the police today!
Once the report is done inform the school.
Empower your daughter to defend herself, hit, scream or kick him in the balls if he gropes her again.

No! The school cannot employ restorative justice if you involve the police.

Where is your concern for the boy who did this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

The school sent us this warning about girls being sexually assaulted at the request of TikTok:


“Dear Families,

We have been made aware of a series of new monthly challenges that have been shared across the social media platform TikTok. Last month the “Devious Licks” challenge emerged, and students committed acts of vandalism on school property. Now, these challenges are escalating and harming people.

Here is the full list:

September: Vandalize school bathrooms

October: Smack a staff member

November: Kiss your friend’s girlfriend at school

December: Deck the halls and show your *****

January: Jab a breast

February: Mess up school signs



I want to be clear, these are not fun, harmless challenges. These are crimes with very serious consequences. Students who commit these acts face disciplinary action under the Student Rights and Responsibilities, and possible criminal charges.

Please continue to talk with your children about the serious nature of these acts and the consequences they will face if they participate.

I believe that by working together, we can make sure students and staff are learning and working together in a safe environment. Thank you for your support.
​​​​​​​

Sincerely,

Scott Brabrand
Superintendent”


Some of us actually read the emails the school sends out.

You are so smug.
"The school"--do you think every single poster here sends their kids to the exact same school your kid goes to? Scott Brabrand is not the superintendent of every school district in the DC area.
Some of us actually realize there are schools other than those in Fairfax county.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend, 19 and we were living & working abroad. One night she was assaulted/ groped by her taxi home from work. She insisted that I not tell the VP of the company (we lived in the same compound, an American and we were good friends). I told him he needed to ask for her to have a car and a driver for safety. She wasn't mad at me.

Two thoughts
1) You need to have a conversation about why it's important to address this with someone she finds safe at the school - teacher, counselor, etc.

2) I absolutely would have her do a self defense class and discuss with the instructor in advance. Never too early to learn how to respond properly and gain confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Report this to the police today!
Once the report is done inform the school.
Empower your daughter to defend herself, hit, scream or kick him in the balls if he gropes her again.

No! The school cannot employ restorative justice if you involve the police.

Where is your concern for the boy who did this?

I'm guessing you're joking? Restorative justice is a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Report this to the police today!
Once the report is done inform the school.
Empower your daughter to defend herself, hit, scream or kick him in the balls if he gropes her again.

No! The school cannot employ restorative justice if you involve the police.

Where is your concern for the boy who did this?

Oh yeah, I’m sure he’s a victim and oppressed too.

You should not gaf.

[Anonymous]

Restorative justice is a crock of crap in a case like this. The boy who did this needs to understood that this is unacceptable. The victim doesn’t need to be forced to sit in a room with him and “understand” why he felt he needed to touch her inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Report this to the police today!
Once the report is done inform the school.
Empower your daughter to defend herself, hit, scream or kick him in the balls if he gropes her again.

No! The school cannot employ restorative justice if you involve the police.

Where is your concern for the boy who did this?

I'm guessing you're joking? Restorative justice is a joke.

Real Restorative Justice is amazingly effective at stopping offenders from re-offending. But it takes a lot of training, consistency, and monitoring to make sure it's done right. So a lot that's called "RJ" is not really RJ, and makes people think what you said. But make no mistake, there's abundant studies & evidence that done well, it's highly effective - including in some unbelievably complex, violent situations. And it is effective for both offender and victim, that's the whole point, to try to make the victim "whole" again as much as possible, while addressing a bunch of things with the offender that make them far far less likely to offend again.