Ex planned birthday party without me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You clearly understand that ex spouses don’t get to have input into each other’s life choices; I’m surprised that you don’t understand that you also can’t force a spouse to stay in the marriage if they don’t want to.

This isn’t a life choice. It’s their shared child’s birthday. Presumably they both have input into all sorts of things involving their child like extracurriculars, health insurance coverage, etc. It seems weird to draw the line at a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's hurt feelings don't come from the kid's party. Read between the lines:

"...his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house"

...he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue."

The underlying problem here is OP is hurt because ex has moved on.

I read it as OP is upset because the gf is trying to take over a role that should be filled by her. I would not want some totally unrelated adult planning or hosting my child’s party without my input.

[Anonymous]

We’re divorced & my assistant handles scheduling & visit transition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

Lol, I can just see the posts now: My son is friends with Larlo, whose parents are divorced. DS got invited to Larlo's birthday party and happily went and I sent DS with a nice gift. Now we just got an invitation for ANOTHER birthday party for Larlo, this one hosted by his mom. Do I have to send another gift of the same value? Can I skip giving a gift since DS already gave one?

+1

I know several divorced families and there is always one big party for the kid with school/sports friends invited at a venue or wherever. Both parents show up. That is “the” big bash. Maybe they host smaller events on their own, I don’t really know. But I think the ex is being really selfish by hijacking the main event. OP’s options are now either be treated as a third wheel/guest for her own child’s party or create social awkwardness for her child by trying to host a second party.

OP, I get why you are upset. I agree with PPs that your best option now is to show up with a smile for your kid. Be glad your ex is footing the bill. Go ahead and let them do the work. But as someone who actually enjoys planning my kids’ parties, decorating the cake, planning the theme, etc. I’d be really sad to have this unilaterally taken away from me.

Perhaps you can modify your custody agreement to an every other year scenario where you take turns planning. Next year you should get to pick the venue and plan. I think it’s totally bizarre that anyone is suggesting two parties is the solution. I actually think it’s way more confusing to a child if their parents can’t put their personal crap aside and jointly throw a party on one day a year.

But if Mom/OP plans the birthday bash, it's OK for the dad to feel like a third wheel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's hurt feelings don't come from the kid's party. Read between the lines:

"...his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house"

...he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue."

The underlying problem here is OP is hurt because ex has moved on.

I read it as OP is upset because the gf is trying to take over a role that should be filled by her. I would not want some totally unrelated adult planning or hosting my child’s party without my input.

Assume positive intent. If it's dad's time with the kid, the GF is probably trying to help him out with planning the event and assumes that when the weekend falls on dad's time = it's dad's event to plan. Not everything is a slight against OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

Not OP but kid’s friends aren’t going to come to 2 birthday parties for the same kid. So every year she is going to have to beat him to planning the first party to get the kids friends. Ex is a douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You clearly understand that ex spouses don’t get to have input into each other’s life choices; I’m surprised that you don’t understand that you also can’t force a spouse to stay in the marriage if they don’t want to.

This isn’t a life choice. It’s their shared child’s birthday. Presumably they both have input into all sorts of things involving their child like extracurriculars, health insurance coverage, etc. It seems weird to draw the line at a birthday party.

Presumably but reality is usually different.

[Anonymous]

Your kid may prefer two parties to the awkwardness of you both being there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's hurt feelings don't come from the kid's party. Read between the lines:

"...his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house"

...he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue."

The underlying problem here is OP is hurt because ex has moved on.

I read it as OP is upset because the gf is trying to take over a role that should be filled by her. I would not want some totally unrelated adult planning or hosting my child’s party without my input.

The GF has all that she needs from OP's ex and he no longer needs input from her. Divorce means moving on and stop trying to control your ex which is probably why you are divorced!

[Anonymous]

Wait until he moves cross-country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s definitely a bullsh*t move. I suggest you write a formal email stating that you expect coordination on birthday parties going forward. It’s of course fine for him to have whatever celebration he wants on his time, but not ok to plan the big friend party without consulting you.

They are divorced. For several years. It’s perfectly fine for the father to have a party with whoever he would like.

Thinking you can control things like this just sets you up for future frustrations.

I started separate parties immediately and without even considering ex-dh at all. Though he was furious he never, ever said a word to me and didn't rock the boat. Sometimes the right thing is the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, a lot of women seem to think they can get divorced and then still control the man.

Doesn't work that way. Sorry. Especially once the man inevitably gets into a new relationship.

Dont like that? Don't get divorced.

Let it go and plan your own birthday activity.

You clearly understand that ex spouses don’t get to have input into each other’s life choices; I’m surprised that you don’t understand that you also can’t force a spouse to stay in the marriage if they don’t want to.

Mine thought they could force me to stay married. It stops being a hilarious joke after year two of a litigated divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

As a (different) divorced parent who co-hosts kids birthday parties with my ex, it's not weird or confusing to our kids at all. It's normal to them. I do the planning and organizing, and exDH gives over half the cost and shows up with the drinks while I show up with the food. It's normal because it's what we've taught the kids to be used to. They are thrilled to have both parents at the same events and getting along.

This is what my parents did and it worked out really well. They had a pretty amicable divorce though and always put us first with this kind of thing.

I do think it’s fine to do separate parties also but in my opinion it’s best if parents work together to coordinate. Sure, no one person can can “control” the other but I think having a healthy coparenting relationship is important so everyone is on the same page.

My ex and I do this and it's really not that difficult. We're both remarried and our current spouses help as well. My husband's ex excludes him from pretty much everything and it's just trashy at this point.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, coparents would plan birthdays together. It’s for the benefit of the kid and makes everything more simple for family and friends.

But people, being human, will sometimes not be able or willing to collaborate in that way for a variety of reasons.

OP, I’d be hurt and I think your ex could have obviously communicated better. But I’d also address it, head on, without drama:

“Hey, the party sounds like it’ll be great. Can’t wait. I was operating under the understanding we’d plan birthdays together to avoid confusion; I’m guessing you feel differently. Can we talk about how to best handle birthdays moving forward? My preference would be X, but I could also see Y working.”

As much as possible, put the fact that his girlfriend is involved out of your head. She isn’t making any decisions, he ultimately is. And for your and your kids’ sake, if the relationship has been going on this long, may as well just accept that she’ll be a part of such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re divorced & my assistant handles scheduling & visit transition

This is unforgivable. Why bother to have a relationship with your child that you palm off on your assistant. Not a question !