Grandparents want to be invited to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are local and come to school events, sports games, etc. all the time. My parents live out of state and fly up a few times per year, so they’ll attend things if they are here.

DH and I send our parents the kids’ game schedules, include them on birthday party invites, let them know about big school performances, etc. and they can decide what to come to, it’s not like some formal plan. Unless your parents or in-laws are super annoying I don’t see how this is a big deal. I don’t go out of my way to host them or treat them like special guests, so it’s literally zero extra effort for me if they want to come sit through an hour-long band performance.

My in laws have too many health conditions to really do any serious caregiving and my parents live too far away. But I love for my kids to have involved grandparents even if they can’t shuttle them to summer camp or whatever. Of course it would be amazing to have helpful family, but DH and I have figured it all out on our own. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

Yikes I can see why you don’t want them there.

I will sometimes offer my in laws a ride to things (so I can drop them at the front of the building/field) if I’m worried about parking or a long walk. But they’re good about being ready on time and not whining or making demands.

[Anonymous]

Are they paying for private school? They might feel entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

My mom is like this too. I include her in stuff when it's only going to embarrass me, but I won't let her embarrass my kids or ruin my experiences as a parent. I've tried to gently give her feedback which has sent her through the roof. I feel relieved to read posts like yours bc it makes me feel like less of a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a grandma...my reality is that I'm not capable of watching several kids at the same time anymore. I'm just not. It doesn't mean I don't love my grandchildren; I do--very much. I absolutely LOVE to be invited to school events.

Now OP's situation is different. There are two grandparents together. So maybe they can watch all the kids, but I wouldn't just assume that. Maybe one grandparent is hale and hearty and spends more time than the OP realizes taking care of her other parent.

I have a friend my age--mid-70s--who said that she really resented the fact that her mom would never watch both her kids for her when she was young, but her mom would often invite one of her kids to an opera or other event her mom enjoyed. Now, she finally "gets it." Her mom could manage one of her children, but didn't feel comfortable watching 2.

Plus, letting your parents attend school events, lets them find out about your kids. It's easier to babysit kids you KNOW than to babysit kids you know nothing about. If your dad knows your son likes baseball, maybe he'll grab a ball and bat on the way to your house to babysit---and things will go better. Or he'll say something like "I really liked the song your class sung in assembly. I couldn't quite catch all the words though. Could you teach it to me?"

I honestly feel very sad for the OP's parents because, to this senior citizen, OP comes across as a spoiled brat.

Wow, so watching two kids for a few hours is too much for you yet you can’t understand why hosting an extra set of grandparents during the school and work week is too much for exhausted parents.

Your post really nails the disconnect between boomers and millennials. You have no desire to respect or understand that your adult children are pulled in multiple directions. Getting mad because you weren’t invited is being selfish and self centered.

If your lifestyle is so harried that you resent your family, perhaps it is time to make different choices. Lots of people live on one income (and don't give the whole "privileged" argument.). You need to live in a smaller place in the far-out suburbs, drive an old car, etc. Pull your kids out of travel sports and day care. But you all might be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

Have you tried to explain this - be honest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a grandma...my reality is that I'm not capable of watching several kids at the same time anymore. I'm just not. It doesn't mean I don't love my grandchildren; I do--very much. I absolutely LOVE to be invited to school events.

Now OP's situation is different. There are two grandparents together. So maybe they can watch all the kids, but I wouldn't just assume that. Maybe one grandparent is hale and hearty and spends more time than the OP realizes taking care of her other parent.

I have a friend my age--mid-70s--who said that she really resented the fact that her mom would never watch both her kids for her when she was young, but her mom would often invite one of her kids to an opera or other event her mom enjoyed. Now, she finally "gets it." Her mom could manage one of her children, but didn't feel comfortable watching 2.

Plus, letting your parents attend school events, lets them find out about your kids. It's easier to babysit kids you KNOW than to babysit kids you know nothing about. If your dad knows your son likes baseball, maybe he'll grab a ball and bat on the way to your house to babysit---and things will go better. Or he'll say something like "I really liked the song your class sung in assembly. I couldn't quite catch all the words though. Could you teach it to me?"

I honestly feel very sad for the OP's parents because, to this senior citizen, OP comes across as a spoiled brat.

Wow, so watching two kids for a few hours is too much for you yet you can’t understand why hosting an extra set of grandparents during the school and work week is too much for exhausted parents.

Your post really nails the disconnect between boomers and millennials. You have no desire to respect or understand that your adult children are pulled in multiple directions. Getting mad because you weren’t invited is being selfish and self centered.

If your lifestyle is so harried that you resent your family, perhaps it is time to make different choices. Lots of people live on one income (and don't give the whole "privileged" argument.). You need to live in a smaller place in the far-out suburbs, drive an old car, etc. Pull your kids out of travel sports and day care. But you all might be happier.

And what if already live like that and still need two incomes? Then will you allow it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

Hi Grandma!!!

[Anonymous]

My in laws are like this as well. My husband’s grandparents lived with them and provided most childcare plus took care of the house and there are a lot of boundary and enmeshment issues now - everyone is one large family vs repeating boundaries of the individual nuclear families.

My MIL also expects to be hosted and entertained at every kid-related event, and it’s a circus whenever they come - the grandparents, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, literally even the pets all have to join in. It’s exhausting and makes our weekends very difficult logistically to have to coordinate SO MANY people at l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

Hi Grandma!!!

How original.

We're invited to everything and the kids and grandkids always and I mean always want us to come. Sometimes we don't feel like it but come anyway because we're wanted. And after whatever event it is that we attend they always text us and thank us for coming and tell us they love us. That's how healthy families operate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

I could have written this post myself. It’s exhausting. Grandma wants to come to school ceremony, arrives 30 minutes late, and can’t understand why we feel rushed. Asks ongoing questions during performance “Why is that heavyset girl in front?” The auditorium is too cold. Or it’s too hot. She didn’t find the show entertaining. Asks for takeout, proclaims it was a mediocre. I am doing a million things at one while she plays on her iPhone and her takeaway is that “I’m too busy to visit with her.”
It is so, so draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

Honestly, just invite both sets of grandparents for everything. They can come or not come - leave it up to them.

Don't try to use access to grandkids as a passive-aggressive way to force them into babysitting for you. This is exactly what you are doing.

Give equal access to both sets of parents. See each set of parents every week or every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

NP and absolutely not. You can either hope to be invited to everything, or you can choose to be a high-maintenance whiner. You can’t be both.