Both my husband and I have no friends
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Anonymous
| I’ll say it again- I think you give off desperation and people are uncomfortable with that. I also think you’re not as emotionally intelligent as you think you are. |
Anonymous
IME, the bolded is the issue. I meet plenty of people who seem nice and with whom I have things in common. If I don’t feel that click, I don’t pursue beyond casual friendship. Now, deeper friendship can evolve over time, but IME there are definitely friends with whom I’ve felt an instant connection. Carolyn Hax once described it in dating as “easy, crackly conversation” and that’s exactly it. Those are the ones to pursue as friends. It’s a combination of connection and mutual desire to have a new friend. Have you ever felt it? When you were dating, even? It requires you to be far more selective with friends than most people realize you need to be, but I’ve found it usually pans out. |
Anonymous
| I think all of this is more common than you realize. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Our social circle definitely shrunk during the pandemic, though I don't think I'd even call it a social circle--it was a few moms from preschool that I'd do playdates with occasionally, but we lost touch during the pandemic. I realized that they probably weren't even real friends since we went three years without seeing each other. Or rather I tried to keep in touch but they didn't seem interested so I stopped reaching out and they never reached back out. I always seem to be the person who no one ever really thinks about contacting.
I think about moving often, but DH doesn't want to do it and says that there's no guarantee we would make friends or things would be better socially for us in a new place. I do think he's right about that. But I realized recently that if we did move, there's no one I would even miss, since we never really made friends here and have zero community or village here. That's pretty sad after living in a new place for over 15 years. We're not going to move to the places where our families are, for various reasons. So I think we're stuck here until the kids go to college, but this area has never felt like home to me since we have no community or village here. I don't know how to make it feel more like home. After the kids go to college we plan to retire somewhere else. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. I'm introverted and also never feel as though I have a lot of spare time for socializing, but I've become friends with people that persisted. One of my closest friends is someone that just kept trying. I joke that she insisted on being my friend. Also, consider that you may not need a lot of friends. My husband doesn't want to spend what little spare time he has with people other than me and family. I take this as a compliment. My friendships have changed about every 7-10 years. I do have a few that I consider life-long, but we don't talk on a daily basis. After watching my mother lose all her close friendships after my father passed away and then being ghosted by a friend I'd known since childhood, I realized family is what really matters. Friendships, for the most part are going to come and go. |
Anonymous
Yes, and I think everybody is passively waiting for friends to initiate with them rather than them being the one initiating. Also, unless you kept a tight-knit circle from the young school-day ages where you had infinite free time to adventure together, people need to adjust their expectations of what friendships should look like. It is a long, excruciatingly slow labor of love to build up that level. I’m working on that now since relocating. It helps me to look at it as putting down new roots. It will take years, but in the end it will bear a lovely tree. |
Anonymous
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OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.) |
Anonymous
OP, something doesn't add up. How can your husband be trim and fit if your DH doesn't like exercise? Also, major red flag that you've never felt a spark with a friend. In your whole life? Did you feel a spark with DH? Even when you were a little and found a friend who also the same thing (horses, butterflies, dolls?) Your therapist is right in that you are making the effort. |
Anonymous
| Also the way you talk about men as if the only things other husbands like are beer, men, cars, sports is so one -dimensional/stereotypical. Does DH seriously think that is what men only like? People are a lot more interesting than that. Honestly, your DH sounds like he is full of himself. |
Anonymous
Bullshit. People really don't care that much about drinking. |
Anonymous
Why are you angry ? And, yes, if going out for drinks to loosen up, many might feel uncomfortable in the company of a non-drinker from a different culture. Husband is upset that co-workers don't invite him to social gatherings in his presence. |
Anonymous
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How were you raised? Did you see your parents entertaining and hosting a lot? Were you invited to a lot of dos? We have a large social circle and some close friends. I like to have people over. Most people will attend but never reciprocate and that is a-ok.
For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming. We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back? |
Anonymous
We’re moving soon and I blasted all my friends and acquaintances for new people and family intros in the city where we are relocating too. It’s hopefully a good start. We also plan to recreate all our communities again there a church group, sports teams for kids, arts classes, car pool friends. It takes work but can be done. I had to do it before Covid and then another round after two years of shutdown… maybe DC area is more transient so people are amenable to it. Hope our. We place is too… |
Anonymous
+1 And OP has mentioned several times about their high emotional intelligence. I don't think they have a ton of self awareness. |
Anonymous
Really? Sorry to say then this is one utterly lame-ass Indian who does not have a vast Indian social circle. There is no place in DMV where you will not have Indians around you - all the time. And each Indian will have 1001 interest groups they are part of - Yoga, Gym, Religious groups, Poetry, Calligraphy, Theatre, Karaoke, Cricket, Tennis, Badminton, Carom, Trekking, Photography, Dance, Volunteer Groups, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiads, Carnatic Music, Classical Music, Various Classical Dances, Bollywood Dance, Swimming, Golf, Poker, Chess, Lunch Clubs, Kitty/Committees, Travel Groups, Podcasts, Blogging, Writing, Tutoring, Social media, Clothes and Fashion, Charity, Cinema, Line Dancing, Cards, Cooking, Gardening, Stock market... Our homes are designed to entertain and host big and small events. And Indians will reciprocate rather quickly if you invite them for a meal. |