Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

You stop bean counting, they hire professionals.

[Anonymous]

FIL needs to hire caregivers. This is exactly why you don’t take a “deal” on a house from relatives.

[Anonymous]

I am amazed by all these PPs who think they can afford caregivers. Seems like OP’s FIL is a broke spendthrift.

[Anonymous]

Well, there you have it, OP! We’ve solved all the problems by you not doing a damn thing and drumming up gossip on the Internet instead. So productive! All is well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

AMEN to this. The presumption that women's time and presence only exist for others is more than annoying to me. All of the SILs understand very well that MIL's own husband and sons are laying this burden at the feet of the women in this family instead of where it belongs - with the men who are legally and morally obligated to figure it out. I think SIL1 should go visit her own family for a good while and tell FIL he needs to work out caregiving. And obviously the house issue needs to be solved - BIL1 needs to man up and talk to his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Why would the expectation be that *she* help when they *both* benefitted from the free childcare.

What is your husband, BIL1, and BIL2 doing to help? Or is this viewed as purely a woman’s responsibility??

BIL1 pays all the bills. He is really the one bankrolling the situation. He is the sole income earner in the household and pays the mortgage, utilities, and will write checks for FIL if needed.

My husband did help, and will check on MIL if asked or needed.

BIL2 ... does not help.

My BIL1 and FIL are buddies. It's a really crappy patriarchal dynamic. BIL1 will take FIL on vacations and joins in on the recreational trips and SIL1 and MIL just get left at home.

Wow. I am officially voting for SIL1 to divorce BIL1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

Agree. Can they afford assisted living?

[Anonymous]

You've posted before. You, your husband should fly in and help. Or, they should pay for help. She has every right to resent being a full time caregiver while you just sit back and post on public message boards about it. Get on a plane and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone taken the time to ask MIL about her wishes?

OP here.

Yes, she wants to move with my FIL to their rural property.

Both of my IL's want to move to their property. My SIL1 and BIL1 also want them to move so they can have their privacy that was agreed upon when they bought my IL's house.

The loosey goosey plan was that my IL's would come back "every now and then" maybe 1, 2 nights a month when my MIL had an appointment in the city. It's not solely my MIL's needs at play here, it's also that my FIL is having a hard time giving up his social life. He comes back in town to spend time with his adult friends too, go to the local tavern, etc.

So, as you see, both in-laws do NOT want to move out there: your FIL doesn’t want to. He wants to have a vacation house but not actually live there. If he wanted to, he would. And he doesn’t give AF that you, SIL1, MIL, or anyone else thinks he should man up and follow through on his obligations. Not one single F.

+1

If I were SIL1, I would be racing to a divorce lawyer. WTF

Yup. She told me she's giving it a year before she leaves. - OP

NP. Well, she's dumb. She shouldn't give it one more day. She's communicated with her DH and he doesn't care. He and his dad are going to keep using her as MIL's caregiver until she leaves.

Honestly, MIL would probably be better off if she walked now. Forced them to figure things out before she has an (even bigger) health crisis.

[Anonymous]

So what are YOU going to do, OP? Huh? So far, gossiping on the internet and woe-is-me isn’t getting anything done. What are you ACTUALLY willing to do, besides judge and shrug?

Tell us what you’re willing to do—talk to your husband, call a family meeting, care for MIL one weekend a season, what? Huh? What are you willing to do? Let’s start there.

[Anonymous]

PAID CAREGIVERS.
Rotating basis.
Family members can supervise, FIL and SILs.

This is what my MIL with Parkinson’s has had for years. Her caregivers are loyal and caring. My oldest BIL supervises because he lives close by. My husband and I live far away but DH is a doctor and helps coordinate her medical care. And her youngest son drops in and lends a hand every now and then. The caregivers cook, clean, bathe, give meds, massages, and provide company.

Please push for this, the situation is really not fair to your SIL1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what are YOU going to do, OP? Huh? So far, gossiping on the internet and woe-is-me isn’t getting anything done. What are you ACTUALLY willing to do, besides judge and shrug?

Tell us what you’re willing to do—talk to your husband, call a family meeting, care for MIL one weekend a season, what? Huh? What are you willing to do? Let’s start there.

No. It's not OP's responsibility. And if anything she'll be perceived as an interfering interloper. Leave it to the blood family and let the married couples navigate their relationships.

If OP's husband asks her to do something, or wants to do something, that is what OP can chime in on. If he asks her for an opinion, she can give it. But really she needs to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?

Correct, two sons and one daughter.

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL? That is crazy.

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.

NP here. I think there are three different issues here.
1. There was a financial agreement between BIL1 and FIL for BIL1 to purchase the house and FIL to move to rural area. This agreement is not being followed, by mutual complicity between FIL and BIL1.
2. MIL needs access to healthcare and needs constant supervision.
3. There are unhealthy relationships/expectations between many members of this family, but I think the crux of this problem is BIL1. He is living in his childhood home, enjoying time with his father vacationing, and using his wife (SIL1) as unpaid labor to take care of his mother.

OP - I think you asked the wrong question. The responsibility for caring for MIL is ultimately FIL's. He may want help from others, but he cannot assign the task to his children, much less their spouses. Assuming all bio children do want to help, then they should decide together the schedule/amount of time each of the 4 people (FIL, OPDH, BIL1, SIL2) is responsible for. Then it is up to that person to decide HOW to fulfill their commitment (hire someone, cover themselves, have spouse cover per agreement with spouse). However, FIL's decision about where to live affects the amount and type of help available, and that decision depends on follow through on agreement with BIL1.

Which brings us to the real question. Does BIL1 want to remain married to SIL1? (In which case, move FIL & MIL to rural home and decide how to split care with siblings.) Or does he want to hang out with FIL in his childhood home and hire someone to watch MIL when they go on vacation?

Until BIL1 gets his act together, OPDH should keep his opinion to himself about what he thinks SIL2 should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what are YOU going to do, OP? Huh? So far, gossiping on the internet and woe-is-me isn’t getting anything done. What are you ACTUALLY willing to do, besides judge and shrug?

Tell us what you’re willing to do—talk to your husband, call a family meeting, care for MIL one weekend a season, what? Huh? What are you willing to do? Let’s start there.

No. It's not OP's responsibility. And if anything she'll be perceived as an interfering interloper. Leave it to the blood family and let the married couples navigate their relationships.

If OP's husband asks her to do something, or wants to do something, that is what OP can chime in on. If he asks her for an opinion, she can give it. But really she needs to MYOB.

OK cool, it’s not OP’s responsibility. So she can continue to shrug and judge. But then she can stay off DCUM with her faux “who should help” because IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT DCUM THINKS, now does it?

[Anonymous]

There is not nearly enough open, honest and direct conversations going on in this family. The three siblings need to really talk. Then they need a unified front to the parents on what they will and won’t do.

Like if they don’t move, the BIL and SIL will sell the house
That the three siblings each agree what they are willing to each do to help (rotate once a month to watch MIL for two days so FIL has to fit his trips in on that schedule or hire help).

All this talking behind closed doors isn’t going to solve anything.