Different expectations from mom and dad

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have very different expectations regarding our child's school performance.
Our child is currently in 4th grade, bright, happy, and has ADD issues. DH thinks as long as DC is learning and progressing in school, that's all it should matters.
I, on the other hand, expect the best performance, although I don't get hung up on grades so much. For example, in tests like spelling, there is no reason to get over 10% incorrect, especially if the list consists of easy, everyday words that we had studied all week. I often hear DC's friends mention their parents would 'kill' them if they come home with such and such a grade. In some ways, it validates what I am thinking but my DH disagrees. We have many disagreements and fights about this. DH thinks the time to worry about performance is in high school, and that I will give DC an inferior complex for focussing so much on performance. I feel our difference in opinion confuses our child and give an easy excuse for not trying the best in school. Am I expecting too much? How do you reconcile this difference with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

You will give your child an inferiority complex but unfortunately it sounds like that's what he needs at this point. As Malcolm Gladwell noted in Outliers, geniuses are made, not born. High school is too late. Those who fall behind can't catch up. If he doesn't have the habit of working hard he won't develop it then. I think the only thing that will sway your husband is showing him that your son can do it. You might ask DH to let you take charge in this area for a few months. If there is improvement he'll be convinced. If not, DH gets to do it his way.

[Anonymous]

Different poster here...either way, you and DH need to get on the same page or else the child is going to point at each of your approaches as an excuse for not doing their best.

[Anonymous]

Agree, you and husband have to get on the same page about this stuff first.

However, my brother was and is brilliant; he built and operates his own multimillion dollar business. But he completely SUCKED at tests in school, even though he knew the material cold. It could be test taking anxiety, and not a true reflection of your son's abilities.

In other words, your son might be working as hard as he possibly can and still get lower grades than you would like. Perhaps getting him evaluated by a professional (I have no clue what type) to see what his learning style/test taking style is, etc., might be a productive approach that you all can live with.

[Anonymous]

You might consider taking a parenting class together. PEP and the YMCA both offer excellent classes and would help you decide together what is the best approach. We found this especially important as our children were entering middle school.

www.parentencouragement.org

YMCA Youth & Family Services
[phone] or email [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

My husband and I struggle with this ourselves, though not against each other --we are both just internally conflicted. Where I come out now is that I think both instincts are good and parents should be able to reach a compromise on this. I do believe kids need to be pushed, but it is a matter of degree. At this age, I would focus more on his effort and level of interest and enthusiasm for school than his actual performance. For example, you and your husband can both agree that you jointly send a message to him that school is important and that work must be done fun, and that he has to put in a good effort (not slapdash his homework just to get it done.) However, if he comes home with less-than stellar results, the focus and emphasis should be on positively working with him to improve. I think waiting until high school is problematic because he won't have the foundation he needs to do well when he gets there -- he won't have good study habits or discipline, for example. And once you fall behind, particularly in topics like math, which build on previous material, it may spiral out of control. So I wouldn't slam on the gas too hard but you want to make sure he is developing a good work ethic and that he cares about and is interested in school.

I think it would also be good for the two of you jointly to have a conversation with him to see where he is. Maybe he is secretly frustrated and wishes he could be doing better, or maybe he feels pressured or maybe he is just oblivious. But I think he is starting to be old enough to have some ownership over his own education and involving him in the decisions will help you all get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I think it's good to work with kids on how to take on challenges and overcome adversity. But you have to be careful about not making the grade the focus. Instead concentrate on helping your dc figure out how to study effectively, manage her responsibilities, and stay calm during tests. Am mentioning this because it was an issue for my child. While I wish she got better grades, the most important thing is that she is getting greater confidence in addressing her weak areas and she has learned how to manage a mediocre teacher rather than using the teacher as an excuse to blow off the subject.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of good reasons to get more than 10% wrong on a spelling test. Honestly. Yes, studying is important, but for some people (me), spelling is very challenging. Harder for me to learn than calculus ever was - seriously. I'm pointing this out because it is impossible for some folks to understand how hard it is. Note that I understand that spelling is important, and I did master it (more or less) at some point in college.

I think the middle ground is that your kid takes school seriously, does his work, develops good habits, and then gets the grades he gets. The "performance" to worry about is the work effort, not the outcomes.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the emphasis should be on effort, not grades. My parents used to get mad if I didn't try hard, not if I brought home a B as such. Then the grades will follow the effort -- I rarely brought home B's.

[Anonymous]

There is a fine line to walk here. Both of my parents were over-achievers. Both were Valedictorians of their high school and college classes, and graduated with a perfect 4.0 in each case. I often got the lecture about how I was too smart for B's. Sometimes it was frustrating. Sometimes they were right.

I agree that whatever you decide, you and hubby need to be on the same page. It will be interesting for me and my husband when we get to this stage, as he was always self-motivated and a 4.0 overachiever. I was less motivated, more of a late bloomer, and had my shares of C's (and even an occasional D) in high school (had lots of As and Bs too, but by no means a perfect student). I can see that we will come at this problem differently.

As for spelling. I was the kid who routinely scored in the 98-99th percentile on all of my standardized tests... except spelling. I was always in the 45-50 percentile. I SUCKED at spelling, and I still do. Thank goodness for spell check. I can look at an easy word I've spelled my entire life, and think, "is that RIGHT???" Somehow, I did well in college and law school (top ten school), and I'm now a very successful attorney at a large law firm. So -- if its JUST the spelling, recognize that there are those of us for whom spelling is really hard. I don't know exactly why. But you may want to lighten up a bit. If you've studied with him all week, and he's still getting lots wrong --- it probably is just a hard subject for him. Back off.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Can you tell us how you tackle homework in your home? For instance, if you are the primary homework coach and facilitator, you do all the reviewing, checking, etc., than I don't think it's important that you persuade your husband to see the light (as it were) provided he stays out of your hair and that he doesn't do things like undercut you in front of your son.

At the same time, I do think he needs to consider that you can't wait until high school to cultivate that achievement spark, so many subjects are cumulative (math, languages, science in particular). Also, I don't think you are overly focused on performance, you're trying to teach your child good study habits and test-taking skills. Another consideration, and something you should mention to your husband: Some solid students waiver in middle school, they get distracted, rebel, etc. This is especially true of boys. So it is critical that you stay the course!

I'm in the midst of keeping my Middle Schooler on track right now. I've pretty much positioned myself as the homework czarina, starting in the Fourth Grade when I noticed he was having trouble with math homework. I encouraged him to work harder and smarter, and it's been great -- though not always smooth!-- he thanks me all the time. I don't think I would have the leverage I do if I hadn't established the support system at home years ago.

So, maybe you and your husband can agree to disagree or he can defer to you. (I think when parents disagree, the parent who's advocating the less risky approach should prevail. It seems riskier not to be working with your DC than to be doing what you're doing. Clear?) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Oops I wrote "son" don't know if DC is boy or a girl.