Speaking of MILs
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Anonymous
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I was just thinking of MIL today. She asks these questions to make conversation, but I feel like they are a trap to make me look bad so she can judge me. For instance, she'll ask "Did you make that?", or "Is that (object) from your childhood"?. Then I have to say yes, when really I feel like she is thinking "That is ugly." or "That old thing!". Or she'll ask how often I cook so she can feel better about herself if I don't cook 7 days a week. She already knows the answers before she asks me. It's like she's pointing out things she can judge me on. She rarely talks to my DH or talks about herself so I bear the brunt of the conversation.
The other thing that bugs me is she is domineering and if we just were in the car for 3 hours and eat a meal, she'll immediately suggest an activity for the kids and they'll be about to run off, when they are overdue for a bathroom break and that is my main priority. I've noticed this with other older women that they try to call all the shots and want me to play second fiddle. Suggestions of things to say to her? |
Anonymous
| "Your kids, your rules" If she doesn't respect your rules, don't invite her to spend (as much) time with your kids. |
Anonymous
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I re-read your post carefully and found nothing to fault your MIL with. You did not say she was openly rude, such as rolling her eyes or verbally criticizing your meals or decisions. She is allowed to ask questions to make small talk, she is allowed to forget previous answers to similar questions, she is allowed to think of activities for her grandchildren and forget the nitty-gritty of parenthood such as remembering bathroom breaks. For goodness's sake! You are the mother of your children and mistress of your house, you can answer question about your activities and belongings without feeling judged at every turn, and you can control your own children by saying: "bathroom break first!". You are the boss. |
Anonymous
| PP again - my mother says similar things to my children. In the end, I get to decide what my kids do, I have no problem over-riding whatever anybody else says. |
Anonymous
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It's hard to feel like you are being judged. When she is saying it as judgement or curiosity it's hard to feel like you are being judged.
Sometimes I think MILs are so curious about DILs. They raised their sons and wonder if the DIL will cook the way they did, clean they way they did, decorate, celebrate holidays, raise the grandchildren, etc. Almost like the DIL is a semi-replacement for them. The car ride example I would just say "That sounds like a great idea. Kids, let's hurry up and go to the bathroom so we can go with Grandma to the playground!" |
Anonymous
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My MIL definitely wants to call all the shots, and her husband and my DH are trained to fall in line with her. I used to be okay with this dynamic when I was weak early in our marriage, but two kids later I am a LOT less tolerant of her BS. This leads to us seeing her less.
If my husband had my back more, I wouldn't resist seeing her as much but I'm not cleaning my house and cooking for three days just to be bossed around by someone who my kids dont even like anyways! |
Anonymous
Similar. Advice to you OP is to establish some boundaries NOW before she interferes and intrudes even more. She will. BTDT. I had an early stand off with MIL that is kind of funny to me now, but it was important that I stood up for myself. We were all together and were about to go out with our newborn DD. MIL saw me come out of the house holding my baby in an appropriate for the weather (lets say it was a hot and humid afternoon) outfit and horror of all horrors, no blanket! MIL passive aggressively said she'd wait for me to go back and get a blanket. I said I was ready to go w/o a blanket, didn't need one. MIL got pushier and said I really, really needed to wrap the baby...anyway, I just started walking as MIL looked shocked and muttered something like "harumph/I never!" Sorry, my (third) baby, my rules. Yes, there is a dynamic that MIL's DH and my DH and his brother ALL cowtow to mom. She is the queen and has bossed everyone around for a lifetime. Wonder if this is at play here? Similar dynamic, OP? Does MIL only have sons and you are the only or first DIL? |
Anonymous
| I took my MIL's BS for too many years until she took one step too far and I told her off over a holiday table. Concurrently, I stopped making plans to see her. I don't prevent my husband from seeing her, but I don't make plans for us to get together. Consequently, we see her a lot less. She isn't happy about it, but she has only herself to blame. |
Anonymous
| I think a lot of women of my generation are terribly insecure. Seriously, ladies, not everything is an affront. Grow up. |
Anonymous
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I'm not getting a sense that OP's MIL is saying anything terrible or judgmental. I think you can hear harmless, well-intentioned words through your own filter of insecurity. Unless she comes right out and criticizes you, try to stop reading negativity into everything. Give the benefit of the doubt, even if you have to pretend, that everything she says and does is well-intentioned. It makes things easier. You are who you are and you're in charge of living your own life, anyway, so it doesn't actually matter what she thinks, when you get down to it.
I've recently become a MIL, and sometimes I feel afraid to ask any questions or say anything around my DIL in case I offend her or make her feel I'm judging or stepping on her toes. I really don't want to do any of those things. I love her and I'm cool with however she does things. My son is happy with her, and she brings out the best in him. I'm a bit quirky and goofy, in no way some domestic goddess, and I'd be heartbroken if I found out that any of my silly questions were making her feel bad. |
Anonymous
| OP, your MIL bears no responsibility for how you feel. You're an adult. You know perfectly well it's okay not to cook 7 days a week. Even if MIL judges you, so what? Apparently, you feel insecure about certain things for whatever reasons. This has nothing to do with your MIL. |
Anonymous
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Try to think about it from your Mil's standpoint - hard, I know. She may experience you as a scared little thing who won't hold up her own end of a conversation (If you don't like the topics she introduces, bring up your own) or provide structure for your kids (so she feels she has to step in).
Agree with PP who says you sound terribly insecure. You get to decide how to manage kids, serve meals etc. You get to pick your own conversation topics! No question. Just get on with it, and don't interpret MIL's every remark as judgment being passed. |
Anonymous
| "Mary, I feel like you ask this every time you're here. This is just the way we do things. It might be different from your expectations, but it works for us. I won't be discussing this again." |
Anonymous
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After a 3 hour car ride kids and adults should get out and run/walk around. Get the blood flowing so they don't get blood clots . You need to listen to your MIL. She has more experience than you do plus I see nothing in your post that suggests she's out to harm anyone.
You're bitching to bitch. |
Anonymous
Okay, but what if MIL is just making conversation rather than passing judgment? Believe me, the hardest thing about being an MIL is DIL's tendency to interpret random questions/statements as criticism. Maybe she really just wonders how often you cook, not that she really cares. OP, do you ask MIL about herself, her activities, etc? |