How to deal with mother

[Anonymous]

I love my mom but she's hard to deal with. She just visited but took over all my roles and responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, folding laundry). She claims she's just trying to help but it makes me feel like a child again and useless and I get frustrated I can't do my usual routine which I need to feel in control of my own life. I feel guilty she's in her 70's and doing all my work when I never asked her to do any of it. She won't stop without me telling her to stop, and I have to say it loud and several times. When she gets tired she won't rest or take care of herself, she'll just get cranky and keep trying to take care of everyone else.

She controls the conversation so I can't get a word in edgewise, so I feel like I can't communicate without yelling or telling her to stop talking. Then she acts like I'm being disrespectful. When I do get to say something, she gets all drama queen and acts like I'm ridiculous or wrong. If I tell her she's type A or compulsive or a workaholic, she denies it. Because my mom does all the work, my dad is able to just focus on his interests. When I try to go relax by myself, she wonders where I disappeared to as if I'm not allowed to recharge my batteries. Then when they leave, I feel sad but the real world seems harder because I have to readjust to being an adult again and rebuild my self esteem. They also harp on my problems as if they are the experts. At restaurants she feels guilty sitting in chairs other people who just walked in the door might need. Is there anything I can do so the relationship is more normal next time? They don't live near me so I only see them once a year.

[Anonymous]

I got these from the library. I recommend them. Also check out www.motherrr.com. And if you find an amazing therapist who does skype and takes my insurance, please post her info because I have the same issue! http://www.amazon.com/How-Manage-Your-Mother-Understanding/dp/0060393343 by John Cleese's ex-wife. http://www.amazon.com/Mama-Drama-Making-Peace-Buttons/dp/0312204213

[Anonymous]

Therapy. only therapy.

[Anonymous]

You and Mom need to not say anything to each other that you wouldn't say to a friend. I doubt you would harp on a friend for being "compulsive or a workaholic". That would be hurtful unless the friend had asked for direct feedback. At a friend's house, your Mom would never take over the role of "cooking, cleaning, folding laundry" unless it was something she was doing together with the friend or directed by the friend as a very short-term favor. Try being peers, try respecting each other as equals. That also means you can't expect Mommy to fix things in your life and make it all better. You can't say any 'ol thing that pops into your brain or act any 'ol way you want. And neither can she. Be more polite and expect politeness.

[Anonymous]

She also folded my husband's laundry and I don't even fold his laundry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom but she's hard to deal with. She just visited but took over all my roles and responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, folding laundry). She claims she's just trying to help but it makes me feel like a child again and useless and I get frustrated I can't do my usual routine which I need to feel in control of my own life. I feel guilty she's in her 70's and doing all my work when I never asked her to do any of it. She won't stop without me telling her to stop, and I have to say it loud and several times. When she gets tired she won't rest or take care of herself, she'll just get cranky and keep trying to take care of everyone else.

She controls the conversation so I can't get a word in edgewise, so I feel like I can't communicate without yelling or telling her to stop talking. Then she acts like I'm being disrespectful. When I do get to say something, she gets all drama queen and acts like I'm ridiculous or wrong. If I tell her she's type A or compulsive or a workaholic, she denies it. Because my mom does all the work, my dad is able to just focus on his interests. When I try to go relax by myself, she wonders where I disappeared to as if I'm not allowed to recharge my batteries. Then when they leave, I feel sad but the real world seems harder because I have to readjust to being an adult again and rebuild my self esteem. They also harp on my problems as if they are the experts. At restaurants she feels guilty sitting in chairs other people who just walked in the door might need. Is there anything I can do so the relationship is more normal next time? They don't live near me so I only see them once a year.

Stop doing what you are doing. Don't yell or tell her to stop talking. Just let her talk. Don't tell her she's Type A or a workaholic. What good is that going to do? Don't yell at her to stop. Remind her that she doesn't need to do all this, and that she should rest when she needs to. Pitch in when she's folding laundry or cleaning the room. Stop being so emotionally invested in who does the laundry. It's not a comment on your abilities, it's your mom's hangup.

It's only once a year. Accept that she isn't going to change, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I told her she was tired and needed to rest but she didn't. Even though I tell her I need to do things in the kitchen like make my kids' lunch for school, it's hard to get her to stop and move out of the way. She keeps going like the Energizer Bunny. When I get overwhelmed and try to go relax she comes and finds me before I've relaxed enough. Even if I were totally polite it's like she's interfering with me just going about my business to keep my own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Does she like to play the victim and compete with you for martyr points? My mom does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told her she was tired and needed to rest but she didn't. Even though I tell her I need to do things in the kitchen like make my kids' lunch for school, it's hard to get her to stop and move out of the way. She keeps going like the Energizer Bunny. When I get overwhelmed and try to go relax she comes and finds me before I've relaxed enough. Even if I were totally polite it's like she's interfering with me just going about my business to keep my own sanity.

maybe she wasn't tired. Why do you get to decide this for her?

[Anonymous]

Send her to my house. When my mom comes to visit she just spreads her stuff all over the place.

[Anonymous]

I would just go get a spa day and let her play house wife.