"Reconciling" with a problematic parent

[Anonymous]

History: I left home at 17, returned for about a year at 20, and haven't spoken to my mother since.

She has undiagnosed mental illness (would guess borderline personality). My childhood was marked my her alcoholism, moving ~30 times (different cities/schools), sexual abuse from a stepfather and stepbrother that she ignored, physical abuse, etc. I raised my much younger brothers until they were about 5, when I left home for my own mental safety. I went home the second time as she decompensatd and I thought I could help.

I've struggled to get to a better place in my life, and it hasn't been easy. I had a young marriage that failed (no wonder, considering my example of relationships). I've been fortunate that my career, if not we'll-paying, I am stable and well respected. I have a wonderful partner in my life for over 10 years, and we've just gotten engaged.

In the last few years, I've been able to develop a pretty close relationship with my brothers as they're now adults. Unfortunately, they talk to my mother about me, and now she is trying to reach me on FB.

Please help me steel myself to ignore, ignore, ignore. I love my brothers, and they love her, but their childhoods were vastly different than mine. Their early years were the same, but they didn't know better and I shielded them from the worst.

I don't want to hear from her, nor do I want them to tell her what is going on in my life. And for almost 20 years, I've managed to leave that all behind, move on with my life, get therapy, and do okay for myself considering my background. Now she keeps trying to worm her way in.

WWYD? Draw a hard enough and TELL her to go away, or just continue to ignore? Every time I see that she is trying to message me, it hurts, but I just can't go back again. I want to believe that she can change, but I'm also all out of faith for a woman I carried when I should have been being a child.

[Anonymous]

You only have one life to live. How do you envision it? What can you cope with? What will make YOU happy?

And, from what your brothers tell you, do you think she is now doing better?

[Anonymous]

Some may disagree with me about this, but after all that's happened with you and your mom, if she was really "better" would she really use FB as the way to reconnect? It isn't as if you're long-lost classmates. I can't help but think that since she has other ways to try to reach you aside from FB, that using such a public forum isn't really an indication of someone who's really sorry and heartfelt.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and admire that you've been able to make a good life for yourself, despite the crap you had to work with and around. Hugs and best wishes on your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You only have one life to live. How do you envision it? What can you cope with? What will make YOU happy?

And, from what your brothers tell you, do you think she is now doing better?

Thanks for the PP. I've been trying to move forward with a "my life" attitude, but it's hard when your whole childhood was centred pleasing others.

And to clarify, my brothers are half brothers, but kind of the only family I have, so I've kind of clung to that. Their own idea of "better" is, like mine, probably relative to what we've known in the past. That's what makes me leery. They're great young men, who have done awesomely for themselves, but there's still the catch: they are a product of long term dysfunction. I know they compare them to their dad (one of my former stepfathers), and she doesn't look all that crazy, but she is. They were mostly raised by THEIR stepfather (who I never lived with) and his family, and by most accounts, they made things as loving as stable as possible when two kids have a terrible start and alcoholic mother).

I guess there's my answer. I can forgive her without needing her in my life. I think it opens up too much hurt. Thank you for your post.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation. This is what I did--blocked her phone number, Facebook and email address. In a true emergency, my dad or brother will be in touch with me.
When you're feeling vulnerable to letting your boundary go, Say this: "She hasn't changed, I will know if she changes because she will contact me ans acknowledge what she did" Repeat as necessary.
This is a very hard and "unnatural" situation to have to be in--to have to divorce your mom. It was helpful to me to see a counselor. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some may disagree with me about this, but after all that's happened with you and your mom, if she was really "better" would she really use FB as the way to reconnect? It isn't as if you're long-lost classmates. I can't help but think that since she has other ways to try to reach you aside from FB, that using such a public forum isn't really an indication of someone who's really sorry and heartfelt.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and admire that you've been able to make a good life for yourself, despite the crap you had to work with and around. Hugs and best wishes on your decision.

To be fair, There's really no other way for her to reach me, and I've told my brothers if she ever gets my number or address from them, I will cut them both off. I live 1500 miles away, our phone number is in my partner's name and unlisted. I have had to change my phone number because of her in the past (she used to drunk dial me at 3am) and I won't do it again.

She messaged me privately, so I don't even know what she has to say, as it's a message request and I'm not sure I want to know what it might be.

I'm just kind of bummed my brothers are even talking about me with her.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP, and can empathize. I come from a fucked up family as well and have worked really hard to get to a happy place (or at least one that's not unhappy). If you haven't already, you should find a good counselor - especially if you and your partner intend to have kids because many of us find that when our kids hit a certain age, like toddler age, memories of the abuse resurface and we're re-traumatized. I can tell you, it fucked with me in a major way and I thought i'd put it well behind me. A good counselor can also help you work through these emotions and help you determine what you really want. There will always be someone on this board that says they were glad to have reconciled with a parent. I can tell you that it's been 30 years since my father died and all I feel is happiness the MF is gone and I don't have to deal with the shit you're going through! Of course, I still have my mother to deal with but that's another story!

I guess, to get to your question, if it were me, I wouldn't invite her back into my life. I'd have a heart to hear with my brothers, acknowledging their relationship with her, but asking them to respect my privacy and my decision not to have a relationship with her. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

If you were ready to talk to her, you would have. It seems as if you aren't and that's completely ok. Block her from facebook and let it out of your life forever.