To the person who recommended the book, "Yes Your Teen is Crazy!"

[Anonymous]

I just want to say THANK YOU. I love you. You have really helped me. I'm a new person, and the household is functional again. I hope you see this so you will know that you have done something little that made a big difference in someone's life.

[Anonymous]

Aww, thanks for posting this! I'm so glad it helped! This book totally changed our very conflict-filled family as well. I only wish I had read it when my oldest was a young teen instead of an older one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. xo

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a great book, can you give an example of how it helped you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The idea that the teen brain craves stimulation, and it will take either positive or negative stimulation to get its need met.

So, praising works to fulfill that need, but you getting mad at them and having a big brew-ha-ha also fills that stimulation need--both parental responses help hardwire the teen's prior behavior into their system because both rewards their brain.

So the trick is, when they do something you don't like, to give them zero stimulation rather than getting upset with them. Zero brain stimulation is the only way to avoid the hard-wiring of the behavior, or to lessen the effect of previously hard-wired behavior. (Meaning, you give no drama).

So if you say, "Stop doing X" and teen says, "No, I'm doing X" instead of forcing that issue "Stop doing X Now!" blah blah….you say, super-calmly (I actually am saying it pleasantly) "Ok, fine, you can choose to do X, but, you know, if you do, you get no Y tomorrow."

The other thing I took from it is that when my teen said or did something, I don't take it as a larger issue, "he doesn't respect his father" or "he's growing up so rude,"--now I take it as, "it's a phase, he knows how to be respectful because I taught him how, before the phase…"

I read it a week ago. Last night I received, "Good night, mom. I love you." (To which I gave a lot of brain stimulation back!!)

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who recommended it. I also feel like it showed me how to disarm emotional conflicts with my teen by understanding the developmental process he is going through and gave really good examples of how to model the calm behavior that I want my teen to learn. It taught me to have a lot more compassion for my kid and really concentrates on building your relationship with each other, which bears fruit in so many positive ways.

[Anonymous]

WOW. Even just the synopsis helped me just now ... this EXACTLY describes what we have going on as well, and while somehow I knew I was feeding this, did not realize quite how. Heading off to Amazon ... thank you from a completely different random person.

[Anonymous]

Do you all recommend this for preteens a well? My 10 yo seems to have taken a dive off the deep end lately and has turned into a rude, nasty alien. Too early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you all recommend this for preteens a well? My 10 yo seems to have taken a dive off the deep end lately and has turned into a rude, nasty alien. Too early?

Is your 10 year old going through puberty? If so, grab the book. If not, wait it out. The change in brain chemistry goes along with the change in hormones.

[Anonymous]

Heading off to Amazon now to get it. But adding on my way out that how on earth do so many teens survive to reproductive age?! I'm about ready to sell mine to the gypsies (or pay the gypsies to take him off my hands).

[Anonymous]

Shoot, I think this also might explain my 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOW. Even just the synopsis helped me just now ... this EXACTLY describes what we have going on as well, and while somehow I knew I was feeding this, did not realize quite how. Heading off to Amazon ... thank you from a completely different random person.

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The idea that the teen brain craves stimulation, and it will take either positive or negative stimulation to get its need met.

So, praising works to fulfill that need, but you getting mad at them and having a big brew-ha-ha also fills that stimulation need--both parental responses help hardwire the teen's prior behavior into their system because both rewards their brain.

So the trick is, when they do something you don't like, to give them zero stimulation rather than getting upset with them. Zero brain stimulation is the only way to avoid the hard-wiring of the behavior, or to lessen the effect of previously hard-wired behavior. (Meaning, you give no drama).

So if you say, "Stop doing X" and teen says, "No, I'm doing X" instead of forcing that issue "Stop doing X Now!" blah blah….you say, super-calmly (I actually am saying it pleasantly) "Ok, fine, you can choose to do X, but, you know, if you do, you get no Y tomorrow."

The other thing I took from it is that when my teen said or did something, I don't take it as a larger issue, "he doesn't respect his father" or "he's growing up so rude,"--now I take it as, "it's a phase, he knows how to be respectful because I taught him how, before the phase…"

I read it a week ago. Last night I received, "Good night, mom. I love you." (To which I gave a lot of brain stimulation back!!)

It's funny how much the advice for twos and teens is similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The idea that the teen brain craves stimulation, and it will take either positive or negative stimulation to get its need met.

So, praising works to fulfill that need, but you getting mad at them and having a big brew-ha-ha also fills that stimulation need--both parental responses help hardwire the teen's prior behavior into their system because both rewards their brain.

So the trick is, when they do something you don't like, to give them zero stimulation rather than getting upset with them. Zero brain stimulation is the only way to avoid the hard-wiring of the behavior, or to lessen the effect of previously hard-wired behavior. (Meaning, you give no drama).

So if you say, "Stop doing X" and teen says, "No, I'm doing X" instead of forcing that issue "Stop doing X Now!" blah blah….you say, super-calmly (I actually am saying it pleasantly) "Ok, fine, you can choose to do X, but, you know, if you do, you get no Y tomorrow."

The other thing I took from it is that when my teen said or did something, I don't take it as a larger issue, "he doesn't respect his father" or "he's growing up so rude,"--now I take it as, "it's a phase, he knows how to be respectful because I taught him how, before the phase…"

I read it a week ago. Last night I received, "Good night, mom. I love you." (To which I gave a lot of brain stimulation back!!)

It's funny how much the advice for twos and teens is similar.

Exactly, it has become the terrible teens! It feels the same, having to repeat the same things over, and over, and over is maddening. At least, I could pick up my 2 year old and redirect him. Now he is 5'10" 165#.

[Anonymous]

Now. Call your moms and dads and apologize. You too were a teen once!