Never sends gifts, never acknowledges receipt of gifts

[Anonymous]

The other gift thread got me thinking about my husband's sister (stepsister for about 24 years now). She is 34, 4 years younger than us. We see her once a year cause we live on the other side of the country.

She never gives gifts. Never got us a wedding gift. Her wedding was a month before ours and we got her a very generous gift. She never sent us a thank you card. DH asked her months later if she ever received it to make sure she did. Both parties traveled the same distance for each other's weddings. We've all been married for 8 years now.

We've gotten her kids small Christmas gifts every year (sent via post or in personif we're there for the holidays.). She has 3 kids. She's never said thank you or even acknowledged the gifts if sent via post. This year we still don't know if the kids received them! She hasn't said a word. No text, Facebook message, call, nothing. My DD has had 3 Christmases, and she has given her a gift on one Christmas--the year we were there.

What do you make of this situation? She is a bit self-involved but isn't this completely over the top rude? The fact that she never even acknowledges our gifts!? I want to stop giving gifts but DH isn't sure, although he is finally annoyed with her behavior after this past Christmas nonacknowledgement. I do like giving the kids gifts though.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Either stop giving gifts or stop worrying about the thank you note. She's obviously not into manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either stop giving gifts or stop worrying about the thank you note. She's obviously not into manners.

This, personally I would stop sending gifts.

[Anonymous]

So rude. Clearly. Stop giving her gifts. I don't know how old her children are, but if they're old enough you can tell them "When someone sends you a gift, you should either send a thank you note or call or text to say thank you, both so they know you got it and so you've done the right thing by showing that you appreciate it."

My friend Larissa confessed she didn't do thank you notes in her family (NY Puerto Rican) two years ago, and we all started sending her sample thank you cards (like one a week for half a year) so she'd see how they were done. Sometimes parents don't teach their kids things, and the village has to step in. Decide if you want to be the village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either stop giving gifts or stop worrying about the thank you note. She's obviously not into manners.

OP here: I do not need a formal thank you note (well, except for a wedding, c'mon!). A simple text: "the kids loved the gifts, thanks!" would suffice. As of now, we have no idea if they were even received. Amazon says so.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. My SIL (DH's sister) expects gifts but does not give them. For her wedding, we gave generously (a large check). We didn't get a wedding gift from her and her DH. For her kids, we sent checks for birth and gifts for bdays and Christmas (they live far away). No reciprocation. We gave them a check for their first house purchase. No reciprocation. I finally told DH after we had our third child that I was not going to agree to any more checks sent to his sister and her husband. He finally agreed (it took 9 years!).

[Anonymous]

A lot of folk are inconvenienced by getting gifts and being expected to reciprocate.

op, stop giving gifts and see if they complain. If they don't that is what they wanted all along.

[Anonymous]

"Larla, did the kids get the holiday gifts we sent? You never let us know if our gifts arrive. Do you want us to stop sending them?"

Text her that. And then let us know what she says.

[Anonymous]

Either stop giving gifts or stop worrying about the thank you note. She's obviously not into manners.

OP here: I do not need a formal thank you note (well, except for a wedding, c'mon!). A simple text: "the kids loved the gifts, thanks!" would suffice. As of now, we have no idea if they were even received. Amazon says so.

Well, she obviously doesn't intend to do that. Why don't you just stop sending gifts? If you see them that infrequently it is really not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this is me. But I do send gifts sometimes though always late if ever
Truth Is, I have an eating disorder am depressed and have horrible social anxiety
I often pay bills months late or wait weeks or more
To take care of a
Simple bill. I buy the cards and don't send them bc I'm messed up
No one would ever guess this about me and they probably assume I just don't care enouhh

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree it's terrible not to get a thank you!! But I sure am not a big believer in gifts- especially if it requires sending. I definitely give gifts when j see people for the holiday, but not usually if I don't!! If I were you, I'd just stop sending.

[Anonymous]

We hardly see them so I like to get a small Christmas gift for her kids. Oldest is 8. I don't care that she doesn't reciprocate gift-giving; I just like to know the gifts were received. Seems ridiculous!

PP22:40--I'd love to be the village, but that's tough at 3,000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either stop giving gifts or stop worrying about the thank you note. She's obviously not into manners.

This. You can't change her so you can only decide what you are going to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this is me. But I do send gifts sometimes though always late if ever
Truth Is, I have an eating disorder am depressed and have horrible social anxiety
I often pay bills months late or wait weeks or more
To take care of a
Simple bill. I buy the cards and don't send them bc I'm messed up
No one would ever guess this about me and they probably assume I just don't care enouhh

When I've been in the throes of depression I've done the same things. I'm sure some people think less of me, but those who know me get it and that's all that really matters.
OP, I'm not suggesting this is the case with your SIL, and I'm not suggesting you have to be okay with it. Just don't take it personally and do whatever you need to do (not send gifts anymore) in the future to not feel frustrated.

[Anonymous]

My BIL is the same way. He hates spending money on anyone other than himself. We've stopped sending him gifts. It's a bit hurtful that he hasn't so much as ever sent his only nephew a card though.