MIL calls her problems my problems?

[Anonymous]

MIL says I expect her to cater to me. As background, MIL and I don't really have a relationship - my choice (she is not a nice person, to put it mildly). I encourage DH and DC to have a relationship with MIL, and participate whenever possible. I participate a couple times per year, when outsiders are involved (outsiders keep MIL more sane and MIL tends to put her best face forward if she thinks people are watching). DH, like MIL, is very much into appearances (actually, the whole family is).

I am not sure how MIL could come to such a conclusion, since I do not talk to her very often, if at all, and have never once asked her for anything. We are two different people and MIL resents differences (actually, she takes differences personally - because its all about her), instead of embracing them. Should I ignore her statement to DH or say something? If anything, MIL expects me to cater to her, but I am over it, based on how she treats people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL says I expect her to cater to me. As background, MIL and I don't really have a relationship - my choice (she is not a nice person, to put it mildly). I encourage DH and DC to have a relationship with MIL, and participate whenever possible. I participate a couple times per year, when outsiders are involved (outsiders keep MIL more sane and MIL tends to put her best face forward if she thinks people are watching). DH, like MIL, is very much into appearances (actually, the whole family is).

I am not sure how MIL could come to such a conclusion, since I do not talk to her very often, if at all, and have never once asked her for anything. We are two different people and MIL resents differences (actually, she takes differences personally - because its all about her), instead of embracing them. Should I ignore her statement to DH or say something? If anything, MIL expects me to cater to her, but I am over it, based on how she treats people.

You should say something. To your husband. Tell him not to relay hurtful and weird messages from his mom. If she says something negative about you to him, he should tell his mom to stop, to address any issues directly with you, and otherwise keep it to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL says I expect her to cater to me. As background, MIL and I don't really have a relationship - my choice (she is not a nice person, to put it mildly). I encourage DH and DC to have a relationship with MIL, and participate whenever possible. I participate a couple times per year, when outsiders are involved (outsiders keep MIL more sane and MIL tends to put her best face forward if she thinks people are watching). DH, like MIL, is very much into appearances (actually, the whole family is).

I am not sure how MIL could come to such a conclusion, since I do not talk to her very often, if at all, and have never once asked her for anything. We are two different people and MIL resents differences (actually, she takes differences personally - because its all about her), instead of embracing them. Should I ignore her statement to DH or say something? If anything, MIL expects me to cater to her, but I am over it, based on how she treats people.

You should say something. To your husband. Tell him not to relay hurtful and weird messages from his mom. If she says something negative about you to him, he should tell his mom to stop, to address any issues directly with you, and otherwise keep it to himself.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is never ever going to change. Her problems will always be your problems because she cannot imagine there is anything wrong with her perfect image. I say you should ignore her because you will never be able to convince her she has flaws and needs to change. Never ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL says I expect her to cater to me. As background, MIL and I don't really have a relationship - my choice (she is not a nice person, to put it mildly). I encourage DH and DC to have a relationship with MIL, and participate whenever possible. I participate a couple times per year, when outsiders are involved (outsiders keep MIL more sane and MIL tends to put her best face forward if she thinks people are watching). DH, like MIL, is very much into appearances (actually, the whole family is).

I am not sure how MIL could come to such a conclusion, since I do not talk to her very often, if at all, and have never once asked her for anything. We are two different people and MIL resents differences (actually, she takes differences personally - because its all about her), instead of embracing them. Should I ignore her statement to DH or say something? If anything, MIL expects me to cater to her, but I am over it, based on how she treats people.

You should say something. To your husband. Tell him not to relay hurtful and weird messages from his mom. If she says something negative about you to him, he should tell his mom to stop, to address any issues directly with you, and otherwise keep it to himself.

+1,000,000

This! Tell your husband that what his mother thinks of you is none of your business. You know how your relationship is. As long as she doesn't act too crazy to your face that's all you require of her. Tell your DH to get on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL says I expect her to cater to me. As background, MIL and I don't really have a relationship - my choice (she is not a nice person, to put it mildly). I encourage DH and DC to have a relationship with MIL, and participate whenever possible. I participate a couple times per year, when outsiders are involved (outsiders keep MIL more sane and MIL tends to put her best face forward if she thinks people are watching). DH, like MIL, is very much into appearances (actually, the whole family is).

I am not sure how MIL could come to such a conclusion, since I do not talk to her very often, if at all, and have never once asked her for anything. We are two different people and MIL resents differences (actually, she takes differences personally - because its all about her), instead of embracing them. Should I ignore her statement to DH or say something? If anything, MIL expects me to cater to her, but I am over it, based on how she treats people.

[b]You should say something. To your husband. Tell him not to relay hurtful and weird messages from his mom. If she says something negative about you to him, he should tell his mom to stop, to address any issues directly with you, and otherwise keep it to himself.

]
+1,000,000

This! Tell your husband that what his mother thinks of you is none of your business. You know how your relationship is. As long as she doesn't act too crazy to your face that's all you require of her. Tell your DH to get on board.[/quote[/b

Another +1,000,000 here.

The issue is your husband, not your MIL. She won't change and since you don't care about having any deeper relationship with her (and I can see why, OP), then the problem isn't her belief that you want to be catered to; the problem is your husband's lack of an appropriate filter when telling you what his mom says, and also his apparent inability to tell mommy to stop talking about you to him, period, ever.

Talk to him, not her. You mention that their whole family is invested in appearances. I bet that means your husband doesn't want to rock the boat with his mom (though somehow he doesn't mind repeating stuff that clearly rocks YOUR boat, OP). Time for him to get a little more self-aware and realize that he's putting his mom ahead of his wife in this scenario. He doesn't have to start any full-on feud with her over you, he just has to stick up for you and cut off comments when she starts talking about you to him. Talk to him about how he can just tell her, "Mom, whatever you think of OP, she's my wife and I don't want to hear anything about her behind her back," and then he learns to redirect things immediately: "How about Cousin Sue's kid, huh? Great news about (whatever)..." Every. Single. Time.

You sound smart, knowing that you should see MIL with others around as buffers, OP. Keep that up.