Taking care of elderly parents

[Anonymous]

This is more just a vent.

My FIL has some serious health issues, basically needs help for many activities of daily living. Its not something my MIL can manage on her own, as she has her own health issues. They are on Medicaid in a very Medicaid-generous state, and get the maximum home care allowed (about 40 hours). We pay out of pocket for weekend care. Overall, my MIL likes living in her state, because her own siblings/friends live there. She also likes her town and what is has to offer in terms of cultural outlets (we are Asian).

My husband (their son) and their daughter (my SIL) both live in really Medicaid-stingy states - states that have a huge waitlist or just give 10 hrs/week - and we live in 'whiter' states - cities where they just don't have the same cultural outlets. We each live about 3 hours away by flight from our parents and try to visit a lot - one of us visits every month.

However, despite this, they are struggling to keep home care aides coming. I think my FIL's situation is so far-gone, plus he's undergone a huge personality change that has made him verbally abusive. None of the home aides want to come anymore. There are no-shows all the time, and sometimes my FIL is in bed for 15 hours a day when a situation like that happens. My MIL is starting to feel like she has no choice but to put him in a (Asian) nursing home.

I don't blame her at all; we're not dealing with him on a daily basis, after all. It might be the best for her sanity. But when I think about him in one of those cold nursing homes, it makes me so sad. On the other hand, neither we nor SIL/BIL are actually equipped to take on a disabled parent full time in our homes. We all work full time, we all have very young kids, we're spread thin as it is. Sure, we can manage their medications and doctors appointments and cook meals (though this is all stuff my MIL does on her own, happily), but as for physical care where we stand in as a CNA (ultimately the thing she can't do for him)? We' can't leave work to give him a shower because he had an accident or stop breast feeding to take him to the bathroom.

Ugh.... All I can say is, people, take care of your health when you are in your 30s and 40s!! Try to aim to be healthy in your 60s and 70s, as that is most likely when your own kids are going to be pregnant/having young kids and aren't that available anyway. I know there are some things (actually, many things) which are out of our control, but some things are definitely in our control. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, avoid stress!

All right, I'm done now. go ahead and let me have it where you say something mean, dcum. I'm ready.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't understand how states can regulate access to Medicaid. Isn't this a federal program? Or do the states chip in at different rates, hence the waitlists?

[Anonymous]

Seriously. My MIL got dementia at 60. Somethings are not preventable and predictable. It sounds like its time for him to go into a nursing home. Support mom with her choice.

[Anonymous]

Oh, FFS, OP! They can't help getting old and falling apart. Be grateful they've had the ability to stay home as long as they have...and that they not only have public benefits but are willing to use them. Help your ILs find the best possible place for your FIL, and count your blessings.

And how old are you with your little kids? Telling old people to take better care of themselves is like telling you to have had your kids by the time you were 25.

There, does that help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more just a vent.

My FIL has some serious health issues, basically needs help for many activities of daily living. Its not something my MIL can manage on her own, as she has her own health issues. They are on Medicaid in a very Medicaid-generous state, and get the maximum home care allowed (about 40 hours). We pay out of pocket for weekend care. Overall, my MIL likes living in her state, because her own siblings/friends live there. She also likes her town and what is has to offer in terms of cultural outlets (we are Asian).

My husband (their son) and their daughter (my SIL) both live in really Medicaid-stingy states - states that have a huge waitlist or just give 10 hrs/week - and we live in 'whiter' states - cities where they just don't have the same cultural outlets. We each live about 3 hours away by flight from our parents and try to visit a lot - one of us visits every month.

However, despite this, they are struggling to keep home care aides coming. I think my FIL's situation is so far-gone, plus he's undergone a huge personality change that has made him verbally abusive. None of the home aides want to come anymore. There are no-shows all the time, and sometimes my FIL is in bed for 15 hours a day when a situation like that happens. My MIL is starting to feel like she has no choice but to put him in a (Asian) nursing home.

I don't blame her at all; we're not dealing with him on a daily basis, after all. It might be the best for her sanity. But when I think about him in one of those cold nursing homes, it makes me so sad. On the other hand, neither we nor SIL/BIL are actually equipped to take on a disabled parent full time in our homes. We all work full time, we all have very young kids, we're spread thin as it is. Sure, we can manage their medications and doctors appointments and cook meals (though this is all stuff my MIL does on her own, happily), but as for physical care where we stand in as a CNA (ultimately the thing she can't do for him)? We' can't leave work to give him a shower because he had an accident or stop breast feeding to take him to the bathroom.

Ugh.... All I can say is, people, take care of your health when you are in your 30s and 40s!! Try to aim to be healthy in your 60s and 70s, as that is most likely when your own kids are going to be pregnant/having young kids and aren't that available anyway. I know there are some things (actually, many things) which are out of our control, but some things are definitely in our control. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, avoid stress!

All right, I'm done now. go ahead and let me have it where you say something mean, dcum. I'm ready.

Wait...what? THIS is where you were going with this? I actually had compassion for you as I was reading until I got to that. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't understand how states can regulate access to Medicaid. Isn't this a federal program? Or do the states chip in at different rates, hence the waitlists?

Medicaid is state. Medicare is federal. Medicaid provides far more in terms of nursing home care but you have to meet the financial guidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more just a vent.

My FIL has some serious health issues, basically needs help for many activities of daily living. Its not something my MIL can manage on her own, as she has her own health issues. They are on Medicaid in a very Medicaid-generous state, and get the maximum home care allowed (about 40 hours). We pay out of pocket for weekend care. Overall, my MIL likes living in her state, because her own siblings/friends live there. She also likes her town and what is has to offer in terms of cultural outlets (we are Asian).

My husband (their son) and their daughter (my SIL) both live in really Medicaid-stingy states - states that have a huge waitlist or just give 10 hrs/week - and we live in 'whiter' states - cities where they just don't have the same cultural outlets. We each live about 3 hours away by flight from our parents and try to visit a lot - one of us visits every month.

However, despite this, they are struggling to keep home care aides coming. I think my FIL's situation is so far-gone, plus he's undergone a huge personality change that has made him verbally abusive. None of the home aides want to come anymore. There are no-shows all the time, and sometimes my FIL is in bed for 15 hours a day when a situation like that happens. My MIL is starting to feel like she has no choice but to put him in a (Asian) nursing home.

I don't blame her at all; we're not dealing with him on a daily basis, after all. It might be the best for her sanity. But when I think about him in one of those cold nursing homes, it makes me so sad. On the other hand, neither we nor SIL/BIL are actually equipped to take on a disabled parent full time in our homes. We all work full time, we all have very young kids, we're spread thin as it is. Sure, we can manage their medications and doctors appointments and cook meals (though this is all stuff my MIL does on her own, happily), but as for physical care where we stand in as a CNA (ultimately the thing she can't do for him)? We' can't leave work to give him a shower because he had an accident or stop breast feeding to take him to the bathroom.

Ugh.... All I can say is, people, take care of your health when you are in your 30s and 40s!! Try to aim to be healthy in your 60s and 70s, as that is most likely when your own kids are going to be pregnant/having young kids and aren't that available anyway. I know there are some things (actually, many things) which are out of our control, but some things are definitely in our control. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, avoid stress!

All right, I'm done now. go ahead and let me have it where you say something mean, dcum. I'm ready.

Wait...what? THIS is where you were going with this? I actually had compassion for you as I was reading until I got to that. WTF?

It was a vent at the powerless we feel at this situation. We'd honestly like nothing else but to take this off my MIL's plate. Without going into too much detail, FIL's condition was severely worsened by bad habits, not taking medication, etc.. He could have still ended up in the same place, given his bad luck, but it did make all of us (SIL, BIL, DH and me) feel like we never want to put our kids through this if there is anything in our control. Its so so painful to see him, and he's not even my dad. But before all this he was a good man, and now he acts like a monster and my MIL has become a shell of her former self. I know a lot of people here hate their inlaws but I don't. I love them, and remember how they used to be.
My own parents are gone already so they are who I had.

All of us are in our early-mid 30s (BIL is oldest at 36). 4 kids between the two siblings/spouses, all under 5. SIL pregnant too with 3rd kid. Pretty normal for people with education.
Medicaid is state-specific. When he first got sick, we hired a planner and they determined that the best state to apply in was their home state. This was also what my MIL wanted because she had lots of friends support there, instead of starting from scratch in our/SIL's cities.

Anyway, yes we are supporting her in the switch to nursing home. There's nothing else we can do. But its sad anyway. Can I be sad or is that also not allowed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't understand how states can regulate access to Medicaid. Isn't this a federal program? Or do the states chip in at different rates, hence the waitlists?

Medicaid is state. Medicare is federal. Medicaid provides far more in terms of nursing home care but you have to meet the financial guidelines.

No, medicaid is administered by the states but gets federal money. There are several kinds of medicaid in most states. There is a special one that pays for nursing homes. Medicare pays far more but you can only get a nursing home stay for a limited time via a hospitalization. Medicaid pays long term. No there are no wait lists. Its income qualified. There are waitlists for waiver programs, such as assisted living.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry about your inlaws. Even nursing home is not good or comfortable as home but still you lucky that you can pay for nursing home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I see your point. My ILs have a million health issues at least 50% of which are a result of poor lifestyle choices (smoking, poor diet, no physical activity). And I know in the next 5 years it will become our problem, on top of dealing with FT jobs and young kids.

[Anonymous]

Same here. My mom, who is now in her early 70s, basically gave up on life a decade ago and has deteriorated beyond the point of return. She never had cancer, a stroke or any other catastrophic injury. She simply let herself go. I feel like she's already dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more just a vent.

My FIL has some serious health issues, basically needs help for many activities of daily living. Its not something my MIL can manage on her own, as she has her own health issues. They are on Medicaid in a very Medicaid-generous state, and get the maximum home care allowed (about 40 hours). We pay out of pocket for weekend care. Overall, my MIL likes living in her state, because her own siblings/friends live there. She also likes her town and what is has to offer in terms of cultural outlets (we are Asian).

My husband (their son) and their daughter (my SIL) both live in really Medicaid-stingy states - states that have a huge waitlist or just give 10 hrs/week - and we live in 'whiter' states - cities where they just don't have the same cultural outlets. We each live about 3 hours away by flight from our parents and try to visit a lot - one of us visits every month.

However, despite this, they are struggling to keep home care aides coming. I think my FIL's situation is so far-gone, plus he's undergone a huge personality change that has made him verbally abusive. None of the home aides want to come anymore. There are no-shows all the time, and sometimes my FIL is in bed for 15 hours a day when a situation like that happens. My MIL is starting to feel like she has no choice but to put him in a (Asian) nursing home.

I don't blame her at all; we're not dealing with him on a daily basis, after all. It might be the best for her sanity. But when I think about him in one of those cold nursing homes, it makes me so sad. On the other hand, neither we nor SIL/BIL are actually equipped to take on a disabled parent full time in our homes. We all work full time, we all have very young kids, we're spread thin as it is. Sure, we can manage their medications and doctors appointments and cook meals (though this is all stuff my MIL does on her own, happily), but as for physical care where we stand in as a CNA (ultimately the thing she can't do for him)? We' can't leave work to give him a shower because he had an accident or stop breast feeding to take him to the bathroom.

Ugh.... All I can say is, people, take care of your health when you are in your 30s and 40s!! Try to aim to be healthy in your 60s and 70s, as that is most likely when your own kids are going to be pregnant/having young kids and aren't that available anyway. I know there are some things (actually, many things) which are out of our control, but some things are definitely in our control. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, avoid stress!

All right, I'm done now. go ahead and let me have it where you say something mean, dcum. I'm ready.

Wait...what? THIS is where you were going with this? I actually had compassion for you as I was reading until I got to that. WTF?

Yeah, I was feeling a lot for the OP, but this is her take-away? That her in-laws failed by not being healthy in their 60s and 70s? Diet and exercise are great, but shit happens, you know?

Also, "avoid stress"? What a completely useless piece of advice.

[Anonymous]

What a sad statement on our society that we view our elderly as worthless burdens that need to be warehoused so that they don't inconvenience us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sad statement on our society that we view our elderly as worthless burdens that need to be warehoused so that they don't inconvenience us.

Sure that's an easy thing to say. But if you haven't been there with parents with dementia, no bladder control and very limited mobility, it's not easy. And many times they really need more help than children can give.

My DH's grandma LOVES her nursing home. She willingly moved in there. She loves the games schedule, the movies, art classes and having lots of friends around her. It was isolating being home by herself and she didn't want to live with kids. Hell we can't even bounce her out of there for holidays. She prefers spending holidays with her friends there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sad statement on our society that we view our elderly as worthless burdens that need to be warehoused so that they don't inconvenience us.

It is not so they don't inconvenience us. It is so we can keep working and have a roof over our heads and food on the table.