When you abusive parent reaches out...

[Anonymous]

I have been recently estranged from a narcissistic parent that emotionally abused me my entire childhood. It has severely damaged my ability to have normal relationships, and only recently have I truly had a chance to heal. The last time I visited my parents, this pattern repeated itself, and I basically decided that I would not put myself in a situation where I had to be damaged like this again.

So this parent now reaches out because Christmas is coming up and they would like me to visit again. They apologized for their behavior the last time I visited, but clearly do not have an understanding that the ongoing relationship is abusive. The suspicious part of me suspects that their reaching out is less about making amends and more about presenting the image of a perfect family at Christmas.

They reached out in a text, so I can easily ignore. Should I engage?

[Anonymous]

Don't engage. Spare yourself.

[Anonymous]

Please don't engage. Trust your gut. Good for you for distancing yourself in the first place. Treat yourself well, put your mental and emotional health first.

[Anonymous]

It depends entirely on where you are in the process. Would a "test" do you good? There were times when I appreciated the opportunity to put into practice some of the protective measures I'd developed: not rising to the bait, making choices about how to respond or engage...

If you're in a soft or vulnerable place, dear god don't put yourself through it. But, if you're prepared to face down a disaster, go for it! Be sure to define "success" before entering the situation, so that YOU walk away with whatever you need from the encounter.

GL. Stay true to yourself. Always be mindful of your value, whatever happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It depends entirely on where you are in the process. Would a "test" do you good? There were times when I appreciated the opportunity to put into practice some of the protective measures I'd developed: not rising to the bait, making choices about how to respond or engage...

If you're in a soft or vulnerable place, dear god don't put yourself through it. But, if you're prepared to face down a disaster, go for it! Be sure to define "success" before entering the situation, so that YOU walk away with whatever you need from the encounter.

GL. Stay true to yourself. Always be mindful of your value, whatever happens.

Wise words!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been recently estranged from a narcissistic parent that emotionally abused me my entire childhood. It has severely damaged my ability to have normal relationships, and only recently have I truly had a chance to heal. The last time I visited my parents, this pattern repeated itself, and I basically decided that I would not put myself in a situation where I had to be damaged like this again.

So this parent now reaches out because Christmas is coming up and they would like me to visit again. They apologized for their behavior the last time I visited, but clearly do not have an understanding that the ongoing relationship is abusive. The suspicious part of me suspects that their reaching out is less about making amends and more about presenting the image of a perfect family at Christmas.

They reached out in a text, so I can easily ignore. Should I engage?

I wouldn't. Recently estranged + parent reaching out only to create a perfect family image is a bad combo in my eyes. You're just starting to heal. Give yourself the space you need to do so. Maybe with more time/therapy/etc you'll be ready for an encounter, but right now it sounds like you may not be. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Would not responding work, or would it cause them to escalate?

Could you text back, sorry, have other plans and won't be able to make it.

As this seems so new, it looks like you need a little bit more time/space - and a less emotionally fraught time - before you'd try a test run. But maybe by just acknowledging the invitation and turning it down - as you'd turn down any invitation that didn't work for you - you'd take some of the emotional edge off.