Did my sister brush me off?

[Anonymous]

My sister and I used to be close. We'd talk on the phone all the time. She sent my dd birthday and Christmas gifts. A few years ago, she started dating this "Meninist," racist kind of guy and quickly married him. She suddenly agreed with all his views, even though she thought differently before.

I couldn't stand the guy, but I kept my mouth shut. She drifted away, anyways, having no time for anyone but him and his family. She'd hardly call me, and when I called her, she sounded like I was wasting her time. She stopped sending gifts to dd, too.

Finally, I just kind of accepted that we weren't "friends" anymore, but she's still my sister, so I thought we were ok.

We hadn't talked for months. I sent her a text on her birthday, and her response was "Thank you. I hope all is going well for you."

She did answer my text, so I guess that's something. I didn't reply, though, because it seemed like she wasn't interested in a response. Am I misreading here?

[Anonymous]

Well you are reading too much into that one text. But the overall situation is very sad indeed. She probably knows he's an ass and is ashamed to talk about him and her life.

[MikeL]

Anonymous wrote:Well you are reading too much into that one text. But the overall situation is very sad indeed. She probably knows he's an ass and is ashamed to talk about him and her life.

Yes, that sounds right.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how you get brush off out of her response. She said thank you and then she sent you well wishes.

By your own admission the two of you are distant at this time. I would not expect an effusion of emotion via text.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is trapped in a sick, abusive relationship. Does anyone else in your family talk to her on a regular basis. Abusers quickly cut their victims off from family, friends. They want the victim to be solely connected to and focused on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is trapped in a sick, abusive relationship. Does anyone else in your family talk to her on a regular basis. Abusers quickly cut their victims off from family, friends. They want the victim to be solely connected to and focused on them.

Wow. Jump to conclusions much pp?

Op, it sounds like you don't have much in common any more. My guess is your sister realizes you don't like her dh and is backing away from you. I would do the same. You are assuming she isn't thinking for herself anymore. She may completely agree with her dh's views and not yours. If you want a relationship you should address her directly. "Hey sis, I've been thinking about you and missing you" is a good start. Ask if her if she;s ok with you or if you offended her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is trapped in a sick, abusive relationship. Does anyone else in your family talk to her on a regular basis. Abusers quickly cut their victims off from family, friends. They want the victim to be solely connected to and focused on them.

this was my first thought too.

[Anonymous]

Well how about you respond to her response and see what happens next? That's how conversations start - one person says something, another responds. So...ball's in your court now. Text her back. "Kids are great! Can't believe DS is in first grade! Miss you!, etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is trapped in a sick, abusive relationship. Does anyone else in your family talk to her on a regular basis. Abusers quickly cut their victims off from family, friends. They want the victim to be solely connected to and focused on them.

this was my first thought too.

NP. No, there's no proof of this. I could have written this same post, about my SIL (except she did not marry a racist, just someone with other extremist habits). DH and she don't have much of a relationship anymore, and she has moved with spouse to live in the same town as BIL's family. Her entire life is his social circle now, just as with your sister. However, I personally think some people are quite happy with this sort of relationship. In our case, she doesn't just parrot BIL's views anymore, she actually believes them herself. So perhaps she was just looking for someone who would 'drive the car', i.e. someone she could follow in life. It doesn't mean your BIL is willfully trying to cut her off from her family/friends. ...at any rate, I would just try to call her with some regularity (say, once or twice a month), and keep it short. Hopefully if you do it repeatedly, she will eventually want to actually talk.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that's super formal for a sister to say to a sister!

[Anonymous]

I'd reply back and say, "We're all good. I miss you a lot! Love you." and leave it there.

[Anonymous]

Have you inquire about her well being once in a while? Other than Happy Birthday?
"Haven't talk for so long, how's it going with you? How's so and so..."

[Anonymous]

OP again. I don't think he's abusive. I think he actually loves her, but he's an ass. Like I said before, I tried to maintain contact, but she started acting like I was imposing. She has a history of molding her personality to whoever she's dating, so I don't think she suddenly changed her views on everything on her own. I have been welcoming and friendly to him. I don't think I've been offensive. But, my sister already knows that my opinions are about 180 degrees from her husband's-- I can't do anything about that!

Maybe I am overreacting. It just seemed like her reply closed off conversation, instead of furthering it. I've had friendlier, more personal messages from my dentist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I don't think he's abusive. I think he actually loves her, but he's an ass. Like I said before, I tried to maintain contact, but she started acting like I was imposing. She has a history of molding her personality to whoever she's dating, so I don't think she suddenly changed her views on everything on her own. I have been welcoming and friendly to him. I don't think I've been offensive. But, my sister already knows that my opinions are about 180 degrees from her husband's-- I can't do anything about that!

Maybe I am overreacting. It just seemed like her reply closed off conversation, instead of furthering it. I've had friendlier, more personal messages from my dentist!

I honestly see this as a continuation of what you have already noticed. No need to make more of it than that - just more of what she has already decided. I would say the eat you can do , if you are willing, is to send light communication periodically to leave the door open to a closer relationship later if she ever decides to pursue one.

[Anonymous]

If your sister is adopting her BF's opinions, many of which are against her own interests, she's going through a very self-destructive phase, bordering on an emotionally abusive relationship, as other posters have pointed out.

Being a parent myself, if I were you, I'd try to reach out to her myself, but also keep her and especially AH BF away from the kids for a while. When you do all have to be together, pull the kids aside after BF spouts off his nonsense and say "we don't think/talk/act that way at our house. His thoughts/words/actions are his own, but this is the way we think/speak/act/feel ..."

Reaffirm your own values, OP, it's your life too.

Hope the best for your sister, but preserve the best of your own too.