How to be happy in an unhappy marriage

[Anonymous]

Making the decision to stick it out, at least for the time being. Typical unhappy story: young kids, emotionally disconnected, etc. Currently in marriage counseling. To boot DH has some anger issues he's working on. I'm having a hard time sitting with my feelings of unhappiness while our marriage goes through this down cycle. I have thoughts of divorcing daily. I cry a lot. How can I be unhappy until we get to the other side of this?

[Anonymous]

I have no idea but I'm with you. Almost exact same thing 2 small children, DH untreated addiction and other mental issues. I left home with my 2 babies yesterday and slept on my parents couch last night. I just couldn't take it and didn't want to risk have a major blowup in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. If you are so unhappy that you are crying a lot and have thoughts of divorcing daily, I think it is going to be difficult to make it through. The only advice I have is to try to get involved in activities on your own, and see your own friends regularly to try to have a good time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making the decision to stick it out, at least for the time being. Typical unhappy story: young kids, emotionally disconnected, etc. Currently in marriage counseling. To boot DH has some anger issues he's working on. I'm having a hard time sitting with my feelings of unhappiness while our marriage goes through this down cycle. I have thoughts of divorcing daily. I cry a lot. How can I be unhappy until we get to the other side of this?

Sorry should say happy..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. If you are so unhappy that you are crying a lot and have thoughts of divorcing daily, I think it is going to be difficult to make it through. The only advice I have is to try to get involved in activities on your own, and see your own friends regularly to try to have a good time with them.

Did anyone do this and have it work long term? I know many people stay in unhappy marriages for the kids, so I'm curious what you do to stick it out?

[Anonymous]

Making the decision to stick it out, at least for the time being. Typical unhappy story: young kids, emotionally disconnected, etc. Currently in marriage counseling. To boot DH has some anger issues he's working on. I'm having a hard time sitting with my feelings of unhappiness while our marriage goes through this down cycle. I have thoughts of divorcing daily. I cry a lot. How can I be unhappy until we get to the other side of this?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are feeling very, very alone. In marriage and maybe even in life. It also sounds like you are very scared about the future with a husband who has anger problems...

What other things are happening for you? Do you have family support? Do you work? Tell us more about your situation.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are feeling very, very alone. In marriage and maybe even in life. It also sounds like you are very scared about the future with a husband who has anger problems...

What other things are happening for you? Do you have family support? Do you work? Tell us more about your situation.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. If you are so unhappy that you are crying a lot and have thoughts of divorcing daily, I think it is going to be difficult to make it through. The only advice I have is to try to get involved in activities on your own, and see your own friends regularly to try to have a good time with them.


Did anyone do this and have it work long term? I know many people stay in unhappy marriages for the kids, so I'm curious what you do to stick it out?

My parents live 5 minutes away and I am very close with them. I have a number of close female friends. So I am not too happy in my marriage (just have nothing in common with DH any more - he has become really tense and generally unhappy due to life stresses, and it has been this way for 5 years), but I have many other sources of emotional support and companionship, so am not lonely.

[Anonymous]

We did. We had a really bad situation last year with horrible work schedules, loneliness, social isolation, and very poor communication, in a house with a dumpy interior that was really hard to maintain.

Rather than spending money on therapy, we decided to try to move some of the major pieces around, to shift the context and essentially do some experiments on our relationship. We cleared out a bunch of stuff from our house and tried to make it as cosy as possible.We hired additional housekeeping. Each of us focused on individual health, working out. We went on weekend trips. The first couple were horrible, but over time, the time together started to have an effect, and we started to reconnect.

Once things started to ease for me personally, I decided to focus more on happiness and togetherness, instead of fear and focusing on the negative. I tried to start injecting more positivity into my approach to my husband, even though I didn't really feel it.

It also didn't hurt that our kids shifted to more of a full time school program.

Anyway, about a year later, it has paid huge dividends. We are still going to pursue therapy down the road, but the difference of addressing some of the superficial context has been tremendous. We have reconnected as a couple, and while we still have tons of work to do as a couple, we have a sense of togetherness instead of the bleak feeling of what you describe. I feel like what I have said sounds really superficial, but I do believe sometimes little things contribute a lot of invisible stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are feeling very, very alone. In marriage and maybe even in life. It also sounds like you are very scared about the future with a husband who has anger problems...

What other things are happening for you? Do you have family support? Do you work? Tell us more about your situation.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for your kindness. No family support. I work but in a small office, no coworkers. So, I suppose you're right that I feel alone. I do have friends, and that helps. I'm scared about the future for sure, but I meant my vows and am determined to stick it out at least until the kids are a bit older. (Under 3 yrs old now). The therapist says it's a process and the issues won't be sorted out overnight. Logically I can understand that, and I understand I can't just leave and be rid of him. I just don't know how to be "okay" in the day to day while I'm so unhappy with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are feeling very, very alone. In marriage and maybe even in life. It also sounds like you are very scared about the future with a husband who has anger problems...

What other things are happening for you? Do you have family support? Do you work? Tell us more about your situation.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for your kindness. No family support. I work but in a small office, no coworkers. So, I suppose you're right that I feel alone. I do have friends, and that helps. I'm scared about the future for sure, but I meant my vows and am determined to stick it out at least until the kids are a bit older. (Under 3 yrs old now). The therapist says it's a process and the issues won't be sorted out overnight. Logically I can understand that, and I understand I can't just leave and be rid of him. I just don't know how to be "okay" in the day to day while I'm so unhappy with him.

Mmm, that sounds really tough. But I understand your attitude about it.

Do you feel like he understands how you feel and which of your needs are not being met? I ask because it doesn't sound like you feel very hopeful right now, and I'm wondering is that because you feel like he just doesn't get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are feeling very, very alone. In marriage and maybe even in life. It also sounds like you are very scared about the future with a husband who has anger problems...

What other things are happening for you? Do you have family support? Do you work? Tell us more about your situation.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for your kindness. No family support. I work but in a small office, no coworkers. So, I suppose you're right that I feel alone. I do have friends, and that helps. I'm scared about the future for sure, but I meant my vows and am determined to stick it out at least until the kids are a bit older. (Under 3 yrs old now). The therapist says it's a process and the issues won't be sorted out overnight. Logically I can understand that, and I understand I can't just leave and be rid of him. I just don't know how to be "okay" in the day to day while I'm so unhappy with him.

Mmm, that sounds really tough. But I understand your attitude about it.

Do you feel like he understands how you feel and which of your needs are not being met? I ask because it doesn't sound like you feel very hopeful right now, and I'm wondering is that because you feel like he just doesn't get it?

No, I feel like he's unable to have empathy. He is resentful and doesn't like to be asked to do things. Including helping me or the children. I didn't realize he was selfish until we had kids. And now it's unavoidably obvious.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That's so frustrating: to think you're getting one thing and to be hoodwinked after having kids

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation in terms of staying in a marriage and being unhappy. I think it's great that your DH is willing to try counseling, though! The right approach in counseling is SOOO important -- does your counselor use John Gottman's approach? I think the last thing you need right now is a focus on conflict resolution. It sounds like yoiu really need to build your friendship and positive connections.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for all of your hurt.

This is a toughie and I honestly do not know.

If you are sure you will stick it out for your kids, then try distraction a bit.

Focus less on your marital woes and your husband's issues, and focus more on yourself.

Learn a new hobby, volunteer your time, etc.

Anything that will make you a better person will be helpful.

((((( HUGS )))))