Kids calling parent's new love Mom/Dad

[Anonymous]

For all the divorced parents, do your kids call your new partner some version of mom or dad? Does it matter if that person is actually a stepparent vs. a boyfriend/girlfriend? Does it matter if it's the kid is pushing for that name?

A the kids of some of my divorced friends call the parent's significant other Mom or Dad (mostly young kids, other parents still involved, relationships that are under a year old). I'm recently divorced, and would not be happy if my kid came home talking about her other mom. Is this just something I"m going to have to get over? If you're divorced, how did you negotiate this with your ex? If you are a former kid of divorce, how did you feel?

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm an adult child of divorce, if that's what you mean by "former". I will be a child of divorce all my life, and will be coping with the practical consequences of their divorce for many decades to come. It's not something that goes away, unless your parents get back together I guess. It's important that you understand that.


To answer your actual question, I call my parents' partners by their first names. But every family is different, and the only solution is to hash it out among yourselves. Personally, as the child, I would strongly dislike it if I could not follow my own preferences in this area.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your child? I think it depends a lot on the age of the child when the relationship becomes serious. I was 24 when my dad remarried and I like his wife but I don't consider her to be any kind of parent to me.

The thing to avoid at all costs is making the child choose. So if one parent wants the step-parent to be called Mom, and the other parent doesn't, you have to work it out. Don't place your child in an impossible situation where one parent will always be displeased.

[Anonymous]

I am a child of divorce. I am also divorced and remarried (as is my ex). I never called my parents' new partners any variation on mom/dad. I was 12 when my parents split up, and none of those people were ever parental figures to me. My sister, who was 4, definitely considers my mom's husband to be "stepdad" and actually has a more meaningful relationship with him than she does with our biodad. I think he's a great guy, but he's more of a friend than a parent to me and that's how it's always been.

My daughter was very proud of having stepparents. I remarried first, and she has called my DH by his first name, "Stepdaddy" and very occasionally "Daddy." The latter has only occurred when she's been sick or injured and he's been there. It's a comfort thing. She refers to my ex's wife as by her first name or as her stepmom. I don't know what she calls her to her face as we do not have a good relationship and avoid being in the same space as much as possible.

I was not thrilled by the stepmom moniker at first, partially because ex's relationship with Stepmom moved very quickly. I was also not sure whether it was DD looking for some way to indicate her positive feelings about Stepmom or whether Stepmom was asking to be called this. Based on observing DD's relationship with my husband evolve, I suspect that it was more the former. I have learned to set aside my personal feelings about Stepmom and focus on DD's feelings, which are overwhelmingly positive. It's what grown ups do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your child? I think it depends a lot on the age of the child when the relationship becomes serious. I was 24 when my dad remarried and I like his wife but I don't consider her to be any kind of parent to me.

The thing to avoid at all costs is making the child choose. So if one parent wants the step-parent to be called Mom, and the other parent doesn't, you have to work it out. Don't place your child in an impossible situation where one parent will always be displeased.

I agree with all of this as a child of divorced parents and as a stepmother. My stepdaughter was 4 when I came into her life and when I married my DH begged to call me "mommy" as my children did. We actively discouraged this out of respect to her mother, who absolutely forbid it. Lots of tears later and my stepdaughter explaining that she feels like the odd man out when she's at our home and calls me by my first name. She's 10 now and still calls me Mommy but lies to her mother about it to avoid upsetting her. It's all very sad really. I agree with respecting the parent by all means but if it causes that much torture for the kid, just let them do what they feel is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm an adult child of divorce, if that's what you mean by "former". I will be a child of divorce all my life, and will be coping with the practical consequences of their divorce for many decades to come. It's not something that goes away, unless your parents get back together I guess. It's important that you understand that.


To answer your actual question, I call my parents' partners by their first names. But every family is different, and the only solution is to hash it out among yourselves. Personally, as the child, I would strongly dislike it if I could not follow my own preferences in this area.

I misspoke, I understand your point and believe me it was not my choice to be divorced. I was willing to work things out with a cheating spouse, and I still can't believe things ended the way they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm an adult child of divorce, if that's what you mean by "former". I will be a child of divorce all my life, and will be coping with the practical consequences of their divorce for many decades to come. It's not something that goes away, unless your parents get back together I guess. It's important that you understand that.


To answer your actual question, I call my parents' partners by their first names. But every family is different, and the only solution is to hash it out among yourselves. Personally, as the child, I would strongly dislike it if I could not follow my own preferences in this area.

I misspoke, I understand your point and believe me it was not my choice to be divorced. I was willing to work things out with a cheating spouse, and I still can't believe things ended the way they did.

It's ok, OP, I understand! You do the best with what you have.

Is the issue here really about the title of Mom? Or is it that you are having a hard time coping with the idea that this person will be parenting your child to whatever extent?

[Anonymous]

I have seen all kinds of arrangements. I know one in which the stepmom is known by both her first name and Mom, like "Stacey-Mom". And I think if the kids already know the new partner by first name, like if it's a family friend or something, then it's very hard to transition to a parental title.

I would consider it really inappropriate to encourage or require a child to use a parental title with an unmarried relationship of less than a year. But in that situation, the title is the least of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen all kinds of arrangements. I know one in which the stepmom is known by both her first name and Mom, like "Stacey-Mom". And I think if the kids already know the new partner by first name, like if it's a family friend or something, then it's very hard to transition to a parental title.

I would consider it really inappropriate to encourage or require a child to use a parental title with an unmarried relationship of less than a year. But in that situation, the title is the least of your problems.

I'm 14:49. This was our situation. I chose to let the title issue go because it was really important to me not to bring DD into adult conflicts involving parental relationships to the extent possible. Her dad does that enough without my help. It's my priority as her stable parent to make sure she feels secure and supported as much as I can, including supporting relationships she values, even if I don't approve.

But MAN, did I grit my teeth when she told me she was excited to spend some of Mother's Day with both of her moms!

[Anonymous]

OP here: I totally understand on the letting the kid choose issue. I would never want to be in the position of forbidding my child to use a name that felt right, or making her keep a secret about the name that she uses. Clearly that is messed up. However, it also has to be confusing for a child to call a series of girlfriends or boyfriends mom or dad. Wouldn't that make the kid feel anxious about being abandoned by the original parents? I know my daughter has strong feelings of abandonment (she's 4) even though the ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship and make things as seamless as we can, and encourage her to be open about her feelings. And all of this is colored for me by knowing that this new person in my ex's and my child's life was a stepmom for 5 years, but left that relationship and chose not to maintain a relationship with those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen all kinds of arrangements. I know one in which the stepmom is known by both her first name and Mom, like "Stacey-Mom". And I think if the kids already know the new partner by first name, like if it's a family friend or something, then it's very hard to transition to a parental title.

I would consider it really inappropriate to encourage or require a child to use a parental title with an unmarried relationship of less than a year. But in that situation, the title is the least of your problems.

I'm 14:49. This was our situation. I chose to let the title issue go because it was really important to me not to bring DD into adult conflicts involving parental relationships to the extent possible. Her dad does that enough without my help. It's my priority as her stable parent to make sure she feels secure and supported as much as I can, including supporting relationships she values, even if I don't approve.

But MAN, did I grit my teeth when she told me she was excited to spend some of Mother's Day with both of her moms!

Gaaaaah. At least one of you is happy... My DD does not get along with my ex's new wife, so that leads to a lot of drama.

[Anonymous]

My stepkids call me Mama, like my kids do. I think they refer to me by my first name to their mother though.

[Anonymous]

Custodial step mom here. DH had full custody of his then 8 yo son when I met (and married) him. The birth mom floated in and out of SS's life, but I was the mom that raised him. DS is now 30 and has always, and still does, call me by my first name. There were times when I gritted my teeth, mostly then when my DD (and SS's half-sister) started to call me by my first name. However, in the end it's what SS was most comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I totally understand on the letting the kid choose issue. I would never want to be in the position of forbidding my child to use a name that felt right, or making her keep a secret about the name that she uses. Clearly that is messed up. However, it also has to be confusing for a child to call a series of girlfriends or boyfriends mom or dad. Wouldn't that make the kid feel anxious about being abandoned by the original parents? I know my daughter has strong feelings of abandonment (she's 4) even though the ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship and make things as seamless as we can, and encourage her to be open about her feelings. And all of this is colored for me by knowing that this new person in my ex's and my child's life was a stepmom for 5 years, but left that relationship and chose not to maintain a relationship with those kids.

As a random internet stranger, I totally agree with you. But does your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm an adult child of divorce, if that's what you mean by "former". I will be a child of divorce all my life, and will be coping with the practical consequences of their divorce for many decades to come. It's not something that goes away, unless your parents get back together I guess. It's important that you understand that.


To answer your actual question, I call my parents' partners by their first names. But every family is different, and the only solution is to hash it out among yourselves. Personally, as the child, I would strongly dislike it if I could not follow my own preferences in this area.

I misspoke, I understand your point and believe me it was not my choice to be divorced. I was willing to work things out with a cheating spouse, and I still can't believe things ended the way they did.

It's ok, OP, I understand! You do the best with what you have.

Is the issue here really about the title of Mom? Or is it that you are having a hard time coping with the idea that this person will be parenting your child to whatever extent?

See my comment above. Having another woman use mom would probably always be hard (but maybe not as time goes on), but it would be easier to suck it up for the kid. The particular person in the picture right now has a very rocky relationship history and things have moved very fast. I know most of what happens will be completely out of my control, but I don't want to try to protect my child from more losses.