Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I had no idea such people existed. They were locked away back in the old country. Never learned to recognize them until now.
And even now, they blow hot and cold. It's like they can do better and then back to nothing the next day.

All true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

Wait, you are SO on top of things that you don't know that there are piles (plural) of crap in the back of a closet in a house that you live in for 4 years? How big is your house?
I smell something and its not dirty laundry!

There's a little hatch door to an attic in the back wall of his closet and we don't use that attic. He had the things stuffed just behind that hatch door. When I had asked about where the clothes were he would say dry cleaners, or vacation house, or gym locker, or whatever, and then finally I just gave up and thought maybe he accidentally left stuff at a hotel on a work trip and was too embarrassed to tell me (which he's done before). It's a bonkers situation, I know.

My similar spouse is on his 4th iPad. The other three were all left on airplanes the last couple years.

[Anonymous]

Okay - there's a few ways to approach this. The one I would not recommend - continuing to ask him to notice and help out. That is obviously not going to work and you're going to go bananas. Also - drop the "well he does stuff that matters to HIM" attitude. Yeah, so do you. And the thing that matters to you is trash on the lawn and a stinky fridge.

Option 1 - Each of you get "zones" and you leave his alone and let him figure it out, accepting that it will be on his timeframe not yours. So, for example, in my house, my husband is entirely in charge of food. Meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning up after dinner. Which means - expired food in the fridge? That's on him. Spilled juice in the kitchen? Him. Not. my. problem. He figures it out. On the flip side, I'm in charge of the kids clothes, and household and yard maintenance, so I'm the one noticing (and fixing! You don't do that!) the bathroom sink and dealing with random trash on the front yard, and buying the kids new shoes. It is CRITICAL that if you do this, you divvy it up so you have the things you care about! For me, the kids having nice, clean clothes that fit is important to me, so that's on my list, and it's always done to my (very high) standards. You need to make sure you can be flexible about the stuff that's his.

Option 2 - Lower your expectations. As I said, I'm in charge of the yard, and I would leave a big piece of trash out for a couple weeks if I was busy, easily. Life happens. We've had a lightbulb out in our kitchen for like a month now - it's my job to change it and I just haven't done it yet. That's okay! If you leave the trash out for a month and the spilled juice for a day and the fridge stinky for 4 days, there's a decent chance he'll take care of at least some of it. Life doesn't have to be perfect all the time. And none of this would bring social services to your door

Option 3 - Accept that you are going to do the "pick up as you go" random stuff that pops up. All of it. You notice it, you care about it, he doesn't, that's on you. Is there something else he can do, that requires a different skill set (ie, doesn't require "always being on") that he could take off your plate that would work? Like, maybe you handle all this day to day unpredictable small crap, and he handles a couple of big standard things - like he does all the laundry once a week. Or he does all school pick up/drop offs. Or all the yard/home maintenance (with you just in charge of listing what needs to be done). You might feel a lot differently about the food and the juice and the trash and the shoes if your and the kids laundry was magically cleaned and folded in your drawers, and he could do that during Sunday night football or if he works from home, he can wash/dry one day a week during the work day and then fold that evening after bedtime.

Bottom line: Work with each other's strengths, and chill out.

[Anonymous]

While a spouse can be great in one area and lack in another, it happens. Its called life.

This is not a wife/ husband problem or a man/woman problem, same sex couples have these issues as well.

In the end, I believe most of the loudest voices here should not be in any relationship at all! You are too immature to share a life with another human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the feedback on this. I do understand the need to communicate better, but why oh why can't he notice the obvious, like the rotting food in the fridge or the dishes left on the kitchen table all night. I mean, this is his home, too. I have to remind our kid to pick up stuff or clean up his mess because he's, well, a child. But why does a 45 year old man need to be told to initiate a simple action like throwing out the old take-out HE left in the fridge two weeks ago? It's HIS. Are his eyes literally unable to detect the container of festering food on the second shelf?

It's like an extra kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While a spouse can be great in one area and lack in another, it happens. Its called life.

This is not a wife/ husband problem or a man/woman problem, same sex couples have these issues as well.

In the end, I believe most of the loudest voices here should not be in any relationship at all! You are too immature to share a life with another human being.

It is an interesting board. About 90% of posters consider themselves close to perfection. THey are perfect wives, perfect mothers, perfect people. They spend their days looking down at others and judging them. In reality, these people are either total messes or narcississts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While a spouse can be great in one area and lack in another, it happens. Its called life.

This is not a wife/ husband problem or a man/woman problem, same sex couples have these issues as well.

In the end, I believe most of the loudest voices here should not be in any relationship at all! You are too immature to share a life with another human being.

It is an interesting board. About 90% of posters consider themselves close to perfection. THey are perfect wives, perfect mothers, perfect people. They spend their days looking down at others and judging them. In reality, these people are either total messes or narcississts.

Eh, I'm definitely not a perfect wife and am really disorganized, which is why I've never posted something like this. I don't think that the majority of the women that come to DCUM are like this - it's just you're not hearing from those that aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One person is always this person. We’re a 2 mom family and it’s me. You have to accept it or be resentful all the time. Yes it’s exhausting.
I’ve learned to delegate but the delegating still falls to me.

This is a really interesting perspective. I guess any dyad will have some polarities. I guess the thing with heterosexual couples is that this dynamic so often skews in one direction and is weighted with gender norm baggage etc. Thanks for sharing

[Anonymous]

At your wits end ~ does he make more money than you? You accept the imbalance. In some things, only the things that are actually important to you. He forget/doesn't pay attention to: his clothes, what he has available to eat, his things -- that's on him.

For one year, I was spent. Had zero energy for any more holiday prep. Gave the family notice, plenty of notice -- there won't be a Christmas tree this year unless you do it. Without me. For some reason the tree was a major stressor (for me). They believed me. And did it all.

[Anonymous]

It's more effective to have purviews -- you shouldn't require two people to notice everything. For example, on person should be on kids clothes. One should be on bill paying. Both of you manage your own cars and laundry. Some things will be joint tag-teaming -- for us it's grocery shopping and cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

Man, what an idiot.
Sounds like a 7 yo’s cope: hide all the messes and To Do’s in the closet, shut the door and don’t say a peep.

Ugh. lol, not lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more effective to have purviews -- you shouldn't require two people to notice everything. For example, on person should be on kids clothes. One should be on bill paying. Both of you manage your own cars and laundry. Some things will be joint tag-teaming -- for us it's grocery shopping and cooking.

Sorry but seeing damage in your own house or something dangerous is simple adulting and normal judgement.

If your spouse is such a bozo they can’t even identify something that needs doing, then absolutely cut bait. ID it, call the right repair person or doctor or take care of it. Dont ignore it.

Same at work. Nothing is worse for retention of A Level players than have to manage and coddle a deadweight who brings dysfunction, disruption and delay.

Same as what that thomas the train boss says. Confusion and delay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I don’t think it’s just having ADHD. It’s having ADHD, not being willing to admit it, and being scared of your wife.
My husband has ADHD. He knows his limitations and appreciates that I do things that he can’t. He also isn’t scared to tell me if he didn’t do the laundry for four weeks while I was sick and he was managing the house/kids. He would do what he could, tell me that he missed me so much, and be so grateful when I called a wash and fold place that does pickups.

He also wouldn’t tolerate me being in a blind rage about him having a box of his own belongings in the attic. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are grown so our family is beyond the difficult years you are experiencing, OP. And they are really difficult when yoh don't have help.

Since I have a hoarder sister, my belief is it's pretty much impossible to make anyone take responsibility for cleaning and organizing life.

You can teach and require kids do chores, and if you raise them in an organized and pleasant environment maybe they will choose to replicate that environment as adults. But maybe not. Parents don't really have all that much control over the outcome and adults can't really force other adults to do much, if anything.

I have always been the one who keeps our home clean and our lives organized. But only because it's important to me to live that way. My philosophy is many tasks can be done in the length of time it takes to get someone else to do it, if they aren't already just doing it automatically. When I needed family help, I asked, could you please do so and so? And then the person did it, and then i said, thank you. And yes, I do all the bookkeeping, finances, calendar.

That worked for me. FWIW Good luck to you OP.