If you have successful well adjusted adult children, what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

My mother was a SAHM and I was a mess for a long time. She was suffocating and paranoid. It would have been better for the entire immediate family in so many ways if she'd gotten a job.

[Anonymous]

Listened

Apologized if I made a mistake

Explained my reasoning—Example: Yes, you can have dessert and sugary foods. We just put those “on top of” the healthy foods in our tummies.” So, they learned to eat the healthy foods first without the sugary foods feeling like “forbidden fruit.”

Drank water to model a healthy habit. Water is still their primary drink of choice.

Ate salads to model healthy habits. They eat salads as older kids.

Created a space where I could say yes—For example, when little, they wanted to play with plastic food storage containers. I put the containers in a lower cabinet, so they could help themselves.

Set up items for them in lower kitchen cabinets so they could help themselves. Cups, little plates and so on.

Let them learn lessons—For example, I let them read “low-quality” books so they could discover on their own what they thought about them. They grew bored with the sameness and made their own decision even at age eight or eleven.

Praised their effort and not results

Did not try to control them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of their success and well adjustedness stems from parenting and the home environment? What did you do right?

Honestly? Not much. I have a lot of regrets about my parenting decisions, but my kids have turned out to be really great young adults with a lot going for them. Who knows - maybe that was their form of rebellion!

[Anonymous]

If you take all the credit for the good outcomes you must be ready to take all the blame for the bad ones & we all know neither way is realistic - the answer is somewhere in between.

My partner and I thought we did absolutely all we could as parents, given our abilities and resources and have still run into unforeseen hurdles - big ones.

Yes some of “success” of a kid’s trajectory is circumstance, genetics, individual and inexplicable qualities of personality, educational opportunities, community support - the whole constellation of factors.

I also think so many unseen factors influence people now: social media and the rabbit holes they fall into, that are often a bigger more constant and pervasive influence than endless well intentioned role model type relatives and teachers, mentors, etc.

Now people can just choose to tune those close to them out and favor the opinions of strangers, podcasters, fringe news outlets and random sources of other information. Actually it’s been happening for a long time but the velocity & scope of social media has just taken it to new levels.

There are also a lot of easily obtainable drugs around with weed being everywhere as anyone with a nose is aware… also vaping synthetic stuff that is odorless - many things stacked against young people these days. The ones who manage to swerve away from it all are impressive and lucky.

There’s no recipe for success. We parents just have to take solace in knowing we tried our best. Cheers to the ones whose kids haven’t stumbled off the path and may it stay that way!

[Anonymous]

Imo two parent stable family, one devoted stay at home parent, slightly above average resources and emphasis on education was the formula that worked well for us. Many of our friends had similar results with two professional parents so for ones who can juggle it, more power to you.

[Anonymous]

Immigrant mindset of working hard and knowing that you have to make it on your own and be better than people who have well settled grandparents and parents with knowledge of the system, privilege, connections and resources.

[Anonymous]

Good luck is such a huge factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck is such a huge factor.

Amen to that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

Nope
Bye Ma’am

-1

As an educated upper-middle class mom, I actually agree with this. That's not to say you can't have wonderful kids if you both work, but for many families a stay-at-home parent is key. It absolutely keeps you on top of things.

it is definately much harder to do it with both parents working, even more so if they both are in high powered, time consuming jobs. Having a nanny with your kids from after school until you get home at 7/8pm is not the same as having a parent home when they get off the bus at 3/4pm. It simply isn't. So if you both must work long hours, you need to think about what that does to your kids. If the only time you see your kids is when rushing them out the door at 7am or off to bed at 8pm for 15 mins at each end of the day, it's hard to be aware of what's really going on.

*definitely

[Anonymous]

You know what we did right? We both took and stayed with jobs that allowed us to spend time with our children. We also made the decision to live a few miles from one set of retired parents that were happy to come to our house and provide some childcare. We could have taken higher paying, more time consuming jobs. We could have moved to different towns. We didn’t, because we prioritized our children. Both are now high performing, driven and serially social. We couldn’t happier for them.

[Anonymous]

If kids don't see abuse, alcohol, drugs, compromised ethics, cheating, financial recklessness, cruelty, crime, racism, xenophobia, entitlement etc at home, they are less likely to engage in bad behavior. Obviously no guarantees, nature can outdo nurturer or bad friends can neutralize good parental influence, mental health issues can kick them off path, bad relationships can outweigh family relationships etc but odds of decent parents having decent children are still higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of their success and well adjustedness stems from parenting and the home environment? What did you do right?

Read your them read with them
Take them to every museum you can
Teach them to love learning
Teach them to listen

Teach them empathy and kindness
No religion

[Anonymous]

Make sure no serious mental or physical problems in children. Then you can do all the other stuff.

[Anonymous]

My parents now say that they were lucky none of us kids had any big issues- behavioral, academic, special needs, etc.

They certainly gave us sought rope to hang ourselves. But things were different raising kids in the 80s and 90s in the Chicago suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much of their success and well adjustedness stems from parenting and the home environment? What did you do right?

IMO, a lot comes from expecting the kids to be responsible growing up. At levels appropriate for their age, and continuing to grow those expectations, while providing your kids with the tools to succeed.

For example, my kids helped with age appropriate chores around the house from a young age. We provided everything they needed, but we expected them to be a part of the family and contribute (without complaining all the time )

By MS my kids knew how to do laundry, cook a basic dinner, clean up and take care of the pets. We gave them more and more freedoms and responsibilities, and they knew if they did well, it would continue, if they wobbled, we might have to pull some of the freedoms back for a bit.

However, by age 13/14 we could leave the oldest home alone for the night in charge of the younger sibling (4 years younger). They knew how to order pizza if needed and safely "cook" basic meals (they are 26 now, so pre-Uber Eats at that point). They knew which adult friends/neighbors to contact if there were an issue/emergency. That grew to us leaving the 16/17 yo in charge for a week (during school year) while we adults travelled. The kids were fine, the oldest loved being in charge/responsible and was trustworthy. So was the youngest at similar ages.

What this meant was our kids had a lot of experience being "responsible" by the time they hit HS and college, so they didn't do as much "dumb things" without parents around.

We also taught them how to budget, save for a "wish item" and how to make choices of where to spend your money. If you only have $50 and you want a $200 item, we might contribute some, but they had to learn to "delay gratification" and save for it. They are now fully functioning adults, on their own, in their 20s, with good jobs. And they know how to live within a budget, what are needs vs wants, etc.

My parents did this too in an upper middle class neighborhood in the 1989s and 1990s. I was scared being home alone overnight as a 16 year old but my parents still don’t know that because we have never been close.

Sure, I’m responsible and successful, but so are people who weren’t left alone every weekend and for an entire week during the school year.

Oh, and I still did “dumb things without parents around.” My parents just didn’t know.

Well for us it was a way of giving the kids more responsibilities. They were not scared/afraid. They knew we trusted them to not party/be responsible. It doesn't work for every kid, but it did for ours. the rest of the time, they had a SAHP. But if you gradually start to expect more from your kids as they grow, they learn to be responsible. Same kids knew how to do laundry by 5th grade and chose to do their own 90% of the time. I'd have done it for them, but the were learning to be responsible and that's a good thing.

My kids are in their 20s now, and yes I'm sure they did some "dumb things" (and know they did in college), but they did a lot less than most and none that were illegal or involved getting drunk and trashing our house in HS. But they did a lot less than most of their friends because we had let them be more in charge over time....more responsibilities and perks that go along with it, as long as you prove you can handle it. Do something stupid, we take away the perks and responsibilities.

Btw, nothing wrong with a 16/17 yo managing at home for 3-4 days, they are literally 1-2 years from sending them away to college with no management. It doesn't happen overnight