FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We learned that my FIL does this not to actually critique, but rather to spark conversation & fill empty spaces in the way he knows best, and because he wants to feel as if he has something to offer. No judgement and no real thought behind it-just throwing things out to see what sticks and if we bite, he beams. I wonder if this is the same situation?

Op here. He is definitely judging. If you ignore him (which we do most of the time), he’ll bring it up again and again even years later. “The dryer is still not performing at top efficiency!” “Okay I’m just thinking about all the studies showing children do best when there are two siblings” (he never produced any). It’s nice to think he’s trying to spark conversation, but the truth is he monologues constantly. Thanks for sharing your nice interpretation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We learned that my FIL does this not to actually critique, but rather to spark conversation & fill empty spaces in the way he knows best, and because he wants to feel as if he has something to offer. No judgement and no real thought behind it-just throwing things out to see what sticks and if we bite, he beams. I wonder if this is the same situation?

Op here. He is definitely judging. If you ignore him (which we do most of the time), he’ll bring it up again and again even years later. “The dryer is still not performing at top efficiency!” “Okay I’m just thinking about all the studies showing children do best when there are two siblings” (he never produced any). It’s nice to think he’s trying to spark conversation, but the truth is he monologues constantly. Thanks for sharing your nice interpretation!

Haha this made me LOL - it’s like a good callback at the end of a standup routine! Like how did *this* comment in particular end up being one that got repeated!? I now have probably the same questions you did the first time, and more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have your husband set boundaries in advance. Let him know you both enjoy seeing him, but do not want his suggestions for the home unless specifically asked. It creates stress and you want to enjoy him. Unsolicited advice as a rule is rarely a good idea. but apparently he never learned.

That said if you say "thank you" and then something less direct you may reinforce it. Your husband's words need to convey love, but also make it crystal clear those comments are not welcome. No mixed messages or messages where he needs to read between the lines.

That’s good advice thank you! We definitely don’t enjoy his visits but I like him to feel welcome and loved despite… everything. I know he feels very lonely (probably justified due to his personality) and it’s nice for him to have a place where he feels loved even if we find him annoying. I really appreciate your comment on making sure he doesn’t have to read between the lines because he can’t do that. Thanks! Op

I don’t have any suggestions, OP. Just wanted to say that you are a good person, your DH sees this and I am sure he appreciates the effort you make.

[Anonymous]

LOL. This is also my father in law, but it's useful his "judgment" that something is very unsafe and that we must DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY. He identifies it at the start of the visit and then harps on it until we do something about it. Last year it was new tires on my car. He literally made an appointment and took my car to the shop while he was in town. And no, he did not pay for it. I was irate.

[Anonymous]

Meant "usually" not "useful"

[Anonymous]

Aww. I think your FIL is either autistic or just unable to read the room. I think he believes he's genuinely trying to be helpful, albeit in a pretty compulsive and repetitive way. But could totally see how annoying that would be, especially if he kept bringing the same stuff up.

I don't have any advice though, sorry. I'd also be the type to be annoyed in the moment. I just happen to have a soft spot for it now because it reminds me of my dad, and he passed away, so all the things that were unbearable back then, I'm seeing through rose-colored glasses.

[Anonymous]

What if you said something like “I can only appreciate 5 critiques a day?” I have actually said a version of this to someone once. If was moderately effective.