Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising children is temporary. Your career will be there when you go back.

It can be very tough to get back in the workforce after dropping out for 3 or more years. Obviously this varies both with type of job/career and with the specific employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, as much as it really is great to SAHM, it's really really hard to get back to work. The women who have continued working do not understand your choice to stay home and some will even belittle you in some ways if they find out. After staying home, I've found that a lot of working mom are really angry and just stressed bc it's an impossible load.

It’s not like those women are peachy to work with or don’t belittle you if you stay on the workforce.

Every working mom has someone they work with that’s like the poster below you. “You should be able to give 100% and stay at work as long as needed because your partner should be picking up the slack and you should have overtime flexible childcare even if it costs more than you make!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

[Anonymous]

you absolutely need to stay connected to the workforce, even if it's part time. Like others I've seen how women are disadvantaged financially if they choose to SAHM for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to know more about your industry/job to answer this question. If you're a teacher? Absolutely no problem to take a decade off to raise children and then come back. If you're a software engineer? Nearly impossible. In between? It depends...

I took off 3 years from my Software Engineering job to have my last kid. When I decided to go back, I was lucky that I interviewed with the Program Manager. He had been our project's student intern a few years before I left. 5 years later he was now a Program Manager.

Later, my former supervisor who had moved to a different company location in another state for 6 years wanted to come back to our location. I referred her to this same Program Manager and she got hired back in, keeping her pension vesting going.

We were both glad we had treated the interns well. A lesson learned from the old adage to be nice to the people on your way up because you're going to meet them on your way down.

In Software Engineering, even going to a program for over 5 years, means when you come up for air and need a new assignment, the industry has moved on so quickly that you have to rely on your reputation that you will be able to come up to speed with whatever new thing has come out while you were buried deep on an assignment that wasn't using new skills and technology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

Yes. My DH has a job. It pays well but it’s not his life. His family and friends are his real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

Yes! He sacrificed the high powered career to spend time with our kids. He showed up as a timer for every swim meet, cheered at every recital, and was there to help homework, dry tears, and host play dates. Same as me. We have 2 very good careers - but we stopped at mid management rather than senior leaders. I was considered HiPo when I was younger, but I sacrificed the extra mile for my kids, as did my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

[Anonymous]

I was like you and stayed working, but was able to do so remotely. So while I was really sad not to be a sahm, I felt it was a decent compromise if I was entirely remote and had some flexibility. Until now. My company is walking back on remote work like everyone else.

My kids are 7,4 and 1. I am probably going to leave my job within the year and try staying at home.

In some ways working gets harder as they get older. School is over by 3, lots of after school activities, homework, personalities and needs to manage. You need a driving nanny to bring them to activities, play dates etc and I’ve never been able to let go in that way. Even if you outsource, you still have to manage the scheduling and the help. The meal prep, the grocery shopping, the clothing shopping, the outgrown clothing storage, the toy organization and disposal. It’s a lot.

If you have three kids, it gets a lot more challenging because you have three schedules to manage commitments for, and to your point, your oldest will be in elementary school while the youngest is still a toddler requiring full time childcare.

It really comes down to whether you can afford to sacrifice your income and how much you want to retain your career. I’ve had trouble giving up mine but as companies walk back on flexibility, I’m finding it difficult to walk away from my kids. Also, I’m done having kids now - so I’d be home for all three of them at once, as opposed to if I’d stayed home from the get go before the second or third was born.

How old are you? I am 36 and have been maxing out my 401k for 13 years. I feel like I’ve done a chunk of the hard work already and my investments will grow via compound interest even if I leave my job. I’m not happy about losing my income, but at least if you continue to work and save when you’re young, the money will work for you if you decide to quit down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

I literally said less than half. That means by default not everyone. Yet you ask about individuals - that’s stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

I think a lot of do. Most men I know are good partners. Raising kids is tough. But you’re the type to say “are you stupid” so that speaks for itself.

My DH was not a good partner when the kids were younger. He's very involved now when DCs are middle school and high school. But honestly he was just fun times dad before that. It's really frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you like your job and would want to go back, do not quit.

- A SAHM.

+1

I quit to be a stay at home mom 16 years ago. Even if I wanted to go back, I could never go back to my career. I work in a completely different field now, put my salary is very low and it’s not intellectually stimulating.

On the absolutely positive side, I would do it again. I was lucky to be present for my kids (and husband), their school events before and after school and my life is not stressful. I have the perfect work life balance.

You have the perfect “life balance” for you - not work life balance - you sacrificed your career. And it sounds like the sacrifice worked for you. It doesn’t for everyone and many people want more from life - like a tangible contribution other than reproduction. Men are expected to reproduce and make a contribution; women are second fiddle and only good for their uterus.

I can only speak for myself but being the person to raise my kids full time would be a much more meaningful use of time and “contribution” than the work I do as a cog in the wheel for the fortune 100 company I work at. Most of us aren’t working at “meaningful” jobs and even the those of us who are usually aren’t paid well enough to offset the cost of quality childcare.