Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Adult friendships can be really confusing sometimes. Rather than wonder what's going on with her or distance yourself from the friendship, I would suggest gently trying to find out what's going on in the friendship with a text message that expresses your concern that things aren't as close as they used to be.

I would suggest in a few weeks texting something along the lines of: Hey, I've been thinking about you and noticing lately we haven't been texting as much as we used to. I just wanted to check in--is everything okay? I know things can come up so I'm happy to be a listening ear or support you in any way. If not, and things have just gotten busy for you--no worries. I will look forward to re-connecting when you are able to. If you have time to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks that would be great! I'm generally free Saturday mornings. Hope to connect with you soon!

I think the important thing here is that you don't want to distance yourself from the friendship too early without checking in with your friend. Checking in gives you important information. If she doesn't respond to your text, no answer is also an answer. If that happens I would probably match the energy she is putting in and focus my time on other friendships.

I also have a question: I have heard other women talking about sending each other memes by text. What is this all about? I have never sent a meme to anyone nor received a text meme, so I'm curious about that. What is the point of doing that? When I text friends/acquaintances I like to have actual conversations by text, so I'm wondering what's the point of sending memes? I don't get it.

I would not say "I notice you haven't been texting as much." Behavior is communication. She told you she got together with the other friend so she does have time. I remember back in the 90s people were told to confront every little thing verbally and get it out in the open and some people find that too much and too high maintenance. It may push her away completely to have to explain herself anytime she needs some distance. Friendships have normal cycles of more closeness, stepping back a little and returning. it's OK for her to prioritize another friendship sometimes. Maybe that friend is going through a hard time or they relate more. sometimes you just need a break from someone you consider a close friend, but you don't want to have to talk it out. Sometimes you know it isn't rational, but you think the distance will make your heart grow fonder again. Having to say "for some irrational reason I am not enjoying the friendship right now, but I do plan to come back" is not comfortable. OP have you every stepped back a little from a friendship for reasons you don't feel like explaining, but you still value the frienndship?

[Anonymous]

They aren't available. Try to accept that. Putting any effort into figuring out "the why" will just prolong the uneasiness you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Adult friendships can be really confusing sometimes. Rather than wonder what's going on with her or distance yourself from the friendship, I would suggest gently trying to find out what's going on in the friendship with a text message that expresses your concern that things aren't as close as they used to be.

I would suggest in a few weeks texting something along the lines of: Hey, I've been thinking about you and noticing lately we haven't been texting as much as we used to. I just wanted to check in--is everything okay? I know things can come up so I'm happy to be a listening ear or support you in any way. If not, and things have just gotten busy for you--no worries. I will look forward to re-connecting when you are able to. If you have time to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks that would be great! I'm generally free Saturday mornings. Hope to connect with you soon!

I think the important thing here is that you don't want to distance yourself from the friendship too early without checking in with your friend. Checking in gives you important information. If she doesn't respond to your text, no answer is also an answer. If that happens I would probably match the energy she is putting in and focus my time on other friendships.

I also have a question: I have heard other women talking about sending each other memes by text. What is this all about? I have never sent a meme to anyone nor received a text meme, so I'm curious about that. What is the point of doing that? When I text friends/acquaintances I like to have actual conversations by text, so I'm wondering what's the point of sending memes? I don't get it.

I would not say "I notice you haven't been texting as much." Behavior is communication. She told you she got together with the other friend so she does have time. I remember back in the 90s people were told to confront every little thing verbally and get it out in the open and some people find that too much and too high maintenance. It may push her away completely to have to explain herself anytime she needs some distance. Friendships have normal cycles of more closeness, stepping back a little and returning. it's OK for her to prioritize another friendship sometimes. Maybe that friend is going through a hard time or they relate more. sometimes you just need a break from someone you consider a close friend, but you don't want to have to talk it out. Sometimes you know it isn't rational, but you think the distance will make your heart grow fonder again. Having to say "for some irrational reason I am not enjoying the friendship right now, but I do plan to come back" is not comfortable. OP have you every stepped back a little from a friendship for reasons you don't feel like explaining, but you still value the frienndship?

Although it does sound like the trip she’s doing is a family trip, so she may have time for family events, not mom events. Per your story, your daughters aren’t close. Maybe her daughter gets along well with her bestie’s daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, That stings. It’s real. That back & forth brightens people’s days and then randomly it’s off.

Totally confusing.

Like others said it could be due to any number of things she has going on & isn’t ready to let many people know about it.

It could be the other friend turned up the hangs etc & your friend lost otherwise spare time.

I would try not to dwell on it.
I know that’s hard - because it stinks!

[Anonymous]

Idk, no advice as I’ve found it very hard even with old and deep friendships. It seems that sometimes people just move on. I tend to retreat and stop communicating when I am not getting much back for a consistent amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

She reached out with a problem. I was at a family gathering out of state and said I'd reach out when possible, but I didn't so it was definitely my fault. Yes, she could have reached out again, I wish so much that she had so I could have been there for her. By the time I remembered, it felt awkward to reach out and I thought she might if she needed (which was dumb and cowardly because I felt awkward to reach out late). Well time dragged on to this point of no return. I think she might have had her own self conscious hesitations about reaching out again or was angry I never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

She reached out with a problem. I was at a family gathering out of state and said I'd reach out when possible, but I didn't so it was definitely my fault. Yes, she could have reached out again, I wish so much that she had so I could have been there for her. By the time I remembered, it felt awkward to reach out and I thought she might if she needed (which was dumb and cowardly because I felt awkward to reach out late). Well time dragged on to this point of no return. I think she might have had her own self conscious hesitations about reaching out again or was angry I never did.

Oh, ty for clarifying. Yes, that makes sense. It's so hard when time passes too.

[Anonymous]

Let it go and wait for her to reach out again. Maybe she will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've only known her a couple years, this might just be how she is.
I had a friend I made during covid who I thought was my new "best friend" but she would disappear regularly and I would wrack my brain thinking how I might have offended her. She's just kind of Adhd. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks and just texted me asking to hang out "It's been crazy lately". I'm used to it now and realize she just isn't that dependable person I wished she was.

I had a friend 20 years ago (I'm 46 now) who sort of "hyper-bonded" to me while I was in law school (and therefore had a pretty flexible schedule, no kids, was seriously dating but not married yet) and her husband was in medical school (crazy busy). She worked a normal 9-5 job and we had a hobby in common. I was new to the area and we met through our hobby and had a lot in common. We started spending tons of time together and she'd call me all the time (texting wasn't as big back then). We were super close for a few years (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding) and then we sort of fell off a cliff and she started doing the same thing with someone else. It wasn't like something specific happened - it almost felt like she was one of those people chasing the "high" of a new and intense relationship? Anyway, it was odd, and it was hurtful at the time but then I moved a few hours away and we just sort of faded. Anyway, all that to say, that's just who this friend was, but I didn't see it at first. Maybe your friend is the same. Or maybe she's going through something right now and doesn't know how to navigate. I may be short with text responses to even my closest friends when I'm stressed or super busy. When I'm having a crazy day and my phone is blowing up with memes, I tend to get annoyed, whereas on a normal day I'd enjoy/appreciate it. I'd give it a couple of months, get through the holidays, and then see where things are. At that point if nothing has changed then perhaps it's time for a talk if you want to salvage things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.

You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.

You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.

NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder If she has something going on and you aren’t close enough that she wants to talk about it. But she also doesn’t have the bandwidth to hang out.

I had a mom friend I was hanging out w a lot- like what you describe. She sort of ghosted me and I found out she has a somewhat serious personal issue going on. I’m not taking it personally.

The bolder was my initial thought, but she has the bandwidth to hang out with the other family and told OP about it (which seems super tacky IMO)

OP asked her what she was doing for the weekend so she answered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.

You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.

NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.

Np, that seems sort of sad, though. Like not being open to deeper friendships?

Pp before that, how do you maintain the old friendships? I find with my old friends from high school and college, we all moved away and can go months without communicating, but whenever we are in the same city and get together it's like old times and I still feel really close. It's like that for me with most of my relatives in different states, too.

There are limits to how many people one can text in a weekly basis.